To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

I would be on the first plane back as I’d be too worried but as it sounds like a flare-up of a serious but chronic condition, I could understand why he thought there was no need, even though it’s shit for you OP.

But he won’t FaceTime as he “needs his rest” and now can’t even find time to text?!!

Fuck off.

I wouldn’t text the bastard a single update. Or ring the cunt again.

Not coming home is understandable but his 7yr old daughter is in hospital and asking for him and he can’t even find 10 minutes to FaceTime her? And now not even 30 seconds to reply to a text?!!!

Utter bollocks.

I’m livid for you OP. I very rarely say this but this would be game over for me. Not because he didn’t fly back but everything else. Selfish, selfish man.

He's met someone else out there. Maybe a colleague or an Australian woman/local.

I could bet money on it.

Also, I think if you'd opened your OP stating you had a 3 year old with no grandparents and are relying on the kindness of others to care for her, and that he refuses to even facetime or call during his trip, you'd have had VERY different responses.

Stop messaging and calling him. He's made it clear he is going to do nothing to support you.
Make it clear this is not ok by just backing completely off.
I can see that he can't come home but he could facetime and be more communicative and supportive.
Go no contact

She has been admitted to hospital before but this appears to be a bit more serious although not life threatening and they are saying she “could” be out of hospital within a week but possibly a bit longer

And there is your answer. It’s not life threatening. Associated with chronic illness, May be out in a week(ish) and not life threatening. No way, as a parent I’d return from Australia early in that circumstance.

I also say that from experience. I have one with disabilities/chronic illnesses that was in hospital frequently when younger, and now sporadically as an adult. When young, there were some serious occasions on admissions with a good chance they would die, thankfully didn’t happen. On those occasions I absolutely downed tools and that was my one and only priority. I would absolutely have travelled back from wherever I was no matter the distance. However, in the circumstance you describe, as long as their team was happy that, while serious, it was not imminently life threatening and they would update me if any change to the situation, I would see no need to fly back early (I’m in Aus, so any conference etc was usually on the other side of the globe with the exception of the odd one in Singapore).

The fact he can’t be bothered to call is beyond a joke though. Yes, it’s not ‘convenient’ with the time difference but it’s absolutely possible. I always prioritised speaking to my child’s treating team, and that meant broken sleep etc most times, to satisfy myself of the situation and keep up with treatment plan, and would then liaise with DH to explain to him (I’m clinical, so was easier for team and I to speak and me to ‘translate’ to DH😁). That’s not an inconvenience, it’s your child and your spouse so you prioritise this!

Not flying back from Australia on a film shoot I can potentially see his reasoning… without knowing all the facts…BUT… the fact he wont FaceTime is ringing alarm bells. Who or what does he not want you to see? Is he staying at a hotel? Feels like his lack of visibility means he’s hiding something or someone.

Yeah well we have electricity and phones and all that mod con stuff in Australia now. 🙄

Whereabouts is he filming? I mean, is it remote or in studios? Because I honestly don't know why he can't Facetime her.

Er… did you get lost on the way to the Daily Mail website?

I've seen women like that ruin good relationships.

Little secret - those women wanted to leave the twat and sounds like it worked.

That's my reading too.

Suss A.F. - "he’s not answering FaceTime calls but will answer voice calls on WhatsApp.

He’s answered 2 voice calls whilst he’s been in Australia and the rest of our conversations have been by text/message.

He will now only speak by message/text and not FaceTime or calls

He’s not answering calls from other family members either."

Where is he filming - underground at Mt Isa mine? In Coober Pedy? Odd stuff.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

It's not being a martyr. It's called being a grown up.
He's at work working. He's probably stressed and he's got his wife pestering to come home when the only reason why she wants him to is to "show her he cares" rather than it being the rational or logical thing to do.
I've seen women like that ruin good relationships.
Him being home would be of very little use to her anyway. Not to mention the financial hit. I'm sure ops old enough to hold the fort for 2 weeks whilst her husband is bringing in money.
Seriously just grow up. You lot are adults not babies.

[waves] Hello @Coffeeoftheworld 's husband - have you had a little break relaxing from all your hard work on the film set?

For me, that latest message from him has escalated this. Stop ringing him, stop messaging him, he does not care so don’t bother. Not being able to come home is one thing, his attitude about this all is another. He’s too busy to reply to a text? Fuck that.

Buy a teddy bear and tell her Daddy sent it to give cuddles he cannot call, he is very sorry and that he loves her very much. Give her a focus.

You spend an hour or too gathering copies of anything you need for the divorce.

He needs to be there because his poorly daughter is asking for him. They also have a three year old who is being looked after by a friend so he should be there to care for his other child. Chronic conditions can become life-threatening and children aren't taken into hosptial for at least a week for shits and giggles.

The issue is that OP's DH doesn't appear to give a shit about his poorly daughter. Defend him all you want. The vast majority of posters can see him for the selfish arsehole that he is.

i don’t think I could forgive this. Even if he genuinely couldn’t leave, he could ring and talk to her ever day, send gifts and thoughtful messages and try to be as supportive as possible.

i would find the refusal to FaceTime very suspicious tbh.

This is why a lot of women reject the whole “village idea” . Firstly the village was never just meant to be about free babysitting, but that’s how some conveniently interpret it nowadays.

And secondly it’s often been used - as we can see from a few commenters in this thread - as a reason to offload the responsibilities of the male partner onto female friends and relatives.

The fact that people are making excuses about him being in a remote location, being too busy or having crap WiFi etc is woeful.

He said himself he is either working or resting. No mention of poor WiFi. That means he is saying he will not take 10 minutes out of his rest time to FaceTime when his child is literally asking for him.

And now he is saying he will not even take 2 minutes out of his rest /work or meal times to text back. You can even text back from a toilet if you feel you’re that busy! There is zero excuse for this.

It’s debateable if he needs to come back or not but how can anyone justify this level of a parent absolving themselves from all responsibility?

These things stick and it’s likely his child won’t forget this - when she was sick and scared her dad wasn’t there in any capacity.

As someone who has visited friends sick kids in hospitals or been there to give supportive replies to frequent texts/calls to parents of sick children needing some moral support while working my own two jobs, I find it chilling how OPs husband has checked out and removed himself from the situation in this way. This is his own child!!

WTAF is the matter with you? His daughter is asking for him and he refuses to call her. How dare you call OP a baby?

You're suggesting that OP leaves her other child with her friend for 2 WEEKS?

Who wants to look after someone else's toddler for 2 weeks, so the dad can go to work?! What if the friend says she's had enough? Should the kid just be handed to social services?

Honestly, this is not a reasonable ask of the friend. I imagine she agreed because the OP was desperate and the dad was in Australia. He needs to come home and take over.

I assume that he has time to go to the toilet. He can call his wife and daughter then. Even a quick call to show that he actually gives a tiny shit about his poorly daughter would be something. But he can't even do that.

It will be a lot less money when they've paid the friend the rate for a 24/7 nanny to compensate her for her time and effort looking after his DC.

Ok the child is safe, but when is the OP supposed to sleep and shower? My child was in hospital for 5 nights, and I had to stay because she only wanted me to stay. My husband still took the week off work, as did I btw, and would come first thing so I could go home and have a couple of hours kip and a shower. Hospitals aren't hotels, she's might have a bed (or might not depending on the ward, my child was in HDU so my only bed options were the chair or getting into my child's hospital bed with her) but she's not getting anything close to a good night's sleep. Not to mention having to forage for food in a hospital, change clothes, maybe even entertain a bed bound child.

I get that his job seems like it might genuinely be one that causes a lot of issues, for a lot of people, if he leaves, but now he can't even reply to a text because he's too tired? But expects the OP who is probably way more tired to text him updates, and somehow she's the needy one in this?

He wouldn't be getting a single text from me.

OP I hope you're ok and able to take care of yourself.

I agree with the last few posts but I suggest we ignore tagging or directly replying to certain posters. I am all for reasonable debate but they seem to be on the wind up.

And if they are women as they claim to be - they clearly have a lot of internalised misogyny and are hellbent on derailing the thread with their bizarre comments.

I don’t get hm not FaceTiming that ridiculous and a bit mean.

if DD and s chronically ill, the going in and out of hospital i assume is somewhat regular. So I can understand why he hasn’t travelled as it’s not an emergency.

is this the first time he’s been asked to come home from a work trip? And does he usually FT?

This is all a bit too strange.........

Why are you spamming this thread with your regressive nonsense? He is refusing to even voice call now. No-one's job is that important. You don't know how much he is earning. It could be a really small budget independent film. You just want to put the boot in with an already really distressed OP.

I don't think its unreasonable of him not to come home - he's a long way away and it sounds like it is expected that your daughter will be fine in a week.

However, it is 100% unreasonable of him that he won't FT your daughter for 5 mins. Totally. Even when he goes to bed late at night (which is middle of the day in the UK).

The lack of communication is the problem.

I've had DH away in far less accessible countries than Australia with a more awkward time difference that clashed work/ sleep hours. On one occasion, I had a sudden shock bereavement of a younger extended family member a couple of days into him going away. I decided not to tell him as he would only have worried and had limited ability to stay in touch. He tried video calls a few times, but signals were barely functional. But he tried to stay in touch with us.

To know your child is in hospital and be so passive about communicating is concerning.