To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

Maybe he needs help finding the words.

Suggest to him that he goes to whoever the relevant person is and says the following:

"I'm sorry, I'm going to have to fly back to the UK early. My older daughter is seriously ill in hospital and my wife is with her, so I need to look after our younger child."

It really is quite simple. Unpleasant maybe, but simple.

Leave him to it. No updates and don't answer his messages or take his calls.

When he gets back and asks you why you ignored him you simply say 'You were not my priority and DD obviously wasn't yours'

Nobody doesn't have time to send a text message. Does he not shit? He could do it whilst sitting on the toilet. Does he not eat? He could do it whilst he's having breakfast. Something dodgy going on here. I would be in bits if I was stuck half way across the world and my child was in hospital.

Right.... 👍

Don't be ridiculous, it isn't that simple. There will be a whole crew and actors out there for filming, and as a Director, he can't just fuck off back home without causing a big issue at work.

He doesn't sound too bright so no.

I would never forgive him putting his 'rest' before his hospitalised daughter.

Ten to 20 minutes of FT is all it would take.

I would want to see her to be reassured. He's not even wanting that. He sound like an utter prick.

Meanwhile the OP is minding her child, calling in favours from her friend to mind her 3 year old and risking her own "hard work to provide for the family" by having to take up to 2 weeks off her job - like you do realise she has a job too???

Jesus the bar for men is so low for some women.

I'm really struggling to imagine jobs that are so busy where you do not have time to send a single text for 48h (or call for weeks). I'm also really struggling to imagine a job where you have access to a phone and cell service can't leave or call if your child is on the death's door. Like pp's said.

You can't abandon your child for a job, however high-flying. They remain your responsibility. It's called being a parent. It's a non-negotiable. If you have kids, you need to make sure that they're cared for. Abandoning your child onto someone with no responsibility towards them while you work away from home is not ok.

Yes, caring responsibilities do get in the way of work sometimes. There are many, many posters on this site who have been affected by this.

Exactly!

This is what I would do if I was away for work and DD had been admitted to hospital, I’d be on the first flight home no matter how unhappy my employer/manager were. Every other mother I know would rush home too if their child was in hospital. That’s why I’m so angry with DH because he won’t.

If DD had been admitted to hospital whilst I was away for work then I’d be on the first flight home and every other mother I know would too if their child was in hospital!

I would say not coming back is reasonable depending on the details of the hospitalisation, but not even a bit of FT?

That would just make me assume he’s with someone.

@Itisallastruggle who is to say OP hasn’t got a big important job, but she has had to take time out to look after DD in hospital and sort out childcare for their other DD

What are the set conditions like? Are they supposed to be family friendly? Because as director he should surely set a good example.

Is he famous enough to do some public shaming? 😅

Frankly, a partner not being willing to give up 20 minutes to speak to their kid in hospital would be relationship ending for me.

What an utter cunt.

If he was in a car accident or otherwise ill or injured himself, his work would find a way to cope.

The children haven't been abandoned. One parent is with the hospitalised child, the other is being cared for by her best friend. Both of my children have been hospitalised at various times and in those situations, we've just had to work it out as best as we can.

I hope your DD is ok OP.

Australian here. My best friend lives in northern England and whereas the time difference is a bugger, we still manage video calls if we really want to talk. Just saying.

@sittingonabeach given how vocal she’s been about her spouse, I presume she would have said if she was missing some huge event at work. Nevertheless, does a child need both parents to sit at their beside if they’ll be out within a week. If her DH is the main breadwinner, you can’t just leave work. Film directors are often self-employed so saying ‘fuck it’ and leaving the crew to it, may see you not being offered other jobs. Who pays the bills then?

I fully agree he should call and FT but coming home from Aus when she will be out in a week and sounds perfectly safe and looked after, seems unreasonable and unrealistic given his job. Again, if he worked round the corner at Asda, I’m sure it would be fine but his job is far more important.

Yes, I know OP has a job too. It's not about the bar for men being low, I'd have the same view if the sexes were reversed. As far as I'm concerned, one parent is being there for the sick child, the other parent is the other side of the world working, the other child is being well cared for by the best friend. Some jobs are more flexible than others, of course if he had a job were he could just suddenly take parenting leave, then great, but in this case, he cannot.

Op, your DD has a chronic illness so DH would have had to have assessed that before flying out five days away.

It is the distance, the travel on virus filled planes and the expense of coming home that might mean, after all that, he can not see DD anyway due to him having Covid. Or your DD could be home again.

You are worried and tired. You don't need anger as well. Try to be calm about your DH near your ill DD and explain about the distance and chance of catching the flu.

Consentrate on having your DH telephone the hospital and speak to DD when he is within range of strong signal. Hearing his voice will be enough. Australian rural areas have weak and unreliable internet coverage. Public phone booths are free and offer more clear voice connection from remote places.

It's not ok to foist your child onto a family friend to care for, unpaid, potentially for more than a week so you can work. That's CF-ery of the highest order. I am amazed that some people think it's ok to offload their responsibilities onto others in this way. It is just unbelievable.

Perhaps the friend has a life and work too that she'd quite like to get back to focusing on?

Thats so dodgy. Something else going on I think OP.

I'm sorry for your daughter and hope she makes a full recovery.
You are probably exhausted and stressed but I do think you are unreasonable to expect your husband to come home. I understand why you're upset, but to leave a job like his for a condition that i assume you are well versed in, may have far reaching consequences.
Him not answering his phone or facetiming his daughter is a different story. I'm not sure how I would feel about him after that.

Good grief the OP has managed to get time off work and stay with her sick child in hospital and fob her 3 year old off on her best friend but her husband cannot even find the time to facetime or make any effort to get home. He may be a film director but they have assistants so it should not be beyond the realms of possibility for him to organise getting back home and arranging a substitute. He has not even asked his boss so he is showing very clearly where his priorities lie and it is not with his family. I would be fuming and would not be bothering with phone calls or updates to him. Focus on your DDs. Do you have other family members to support you?

You’ve just says yourself you didn’t have a mobile phone. OP’s husband does, and could use travel time or time between shower and bed, or even eating time to call his DD. You’re comparing not speaking to your friends when you had no mobile phone, to a man refusing point blank to speak to his sick child. Fucking hell can we all please raise the bar for these men, it’s exhausting dealing with them on top of all the excuse-making.