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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DH for not coming home?

957 replies

Coffeeoftheworld · 14/09/2025 14:52

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

OP posts:
Hadmysay · 14/09/2025 23:38

BettysRoasties · 14/09/2025 21:01

What about his other daughter who’s left with ops friend. What about taking it in turns to be there for both daughters.

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Hes in another country working. As the saying goes it takes a village and it looks like the friend ops daughter is staying with is part of that village.
She's getting help so why the need for extra headache?

DoneKebab · 14/09/2025 23:39

Ohmygodthepain · 14/09/2025 23:37

Hmm. He's literally on the other side of the planet and DD is in hospital with a flare of an existing condition that she may be home within a week. His job likely has DOZENS of others reliant on him being there, in person, and any delay could cost his company a FORTUNE. Film sets are one place where time literally IS money and rescheduling is catastrophic.

If it was an emergency, as in, literal life at risk job is be telling him not to bother coming home.

As it is, she's in good, capable hands, and him being here or not won't make a jot of difference to her recovery. It would also cost the family a packet for his flight(s), take in excess of 30 hours minimum depending on flight routes and he'd be zero use after that long travelling even if he did go to the hospital.

He's ABSOLUTELY and utterly being a cunt for not face timing though. Unforgivable.

Edited

How about the friend who’s having to look after the younger child though? Why her instead of the child’s father?

DoneKebab · 14/09/2025 23:40

Hadmysay · 14/09/2025 23:38

Hes in another country working. As the saying goes it takes a village and it looks like the friend ops daughter is staying with is part of that village.
She's getting help so why the need for extra headache?

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Why a village and not the father?

Goldbar · 14/09/2025 23:40

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:35

Oh come on, not "no reason". He's on location for work, working very long days. Working hard to provide for the family, on the other side of the world.

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There is no childcare for the 3yo while the OP is in hospital with the older one. The OP is having to rely on a friend's good nature. That's not acceptable. Having someone's toddler for a week is a huge ask. It's not ok when there's another parent around, even if it's inconvenient for them to come back.

I don't get to foist my child on others because of I'm 'working hard'. I'll use that excuse next time I'm late for nursery pick-up, shall I?

GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 14/09/2025 23:40

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:37

Yes, I have actually 🙄

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'Working very long days'
So that gives him an excuse to not do a 10 min FaceTime with his Wife and ill child
Nobody is that busy 🙄

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:40

DoneKebab · 14/09/2025 23:39

How about the friend who’s having to look after the younger child though? Why her instead of the child’s father?

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Because he's literally on the other side of the planet, like the other poster literally just told you 🙄

DoneKebab · 14/09/2025 23:41

2Rebecca · 14/09/2025 23:32

Is she in and out of hospital a lot so this isn’t an unusual occurrence? I presume she isn’t that unwell if she can be bothered about video messages rather than just “ your father is a long flight away and sends his love”. If she is unlikely to die and the hospital is part of ongoing management of her ongoing condition then I would let him get on with his job and sort out your obvious unhappiness with your relationship on his return.

If she is unlikely to die

Thats quite the low bar…

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:41

GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 14/09/2025 23:40

'Working very long days'
So that gives him an excuse to not do a 10 min FaceTime with his Wife and ill child
Nobody is that busy 🙄

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Well then count yourself lucky that you've never worked a job that is that busy.

GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 14/09/2025 23:42

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:41

Well then count yourself lucky that you've never worked a job that is that busy.

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Lol 10 minutes..... come on 🤣

Hadmysay · 14/09/2025 23:42

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 14/09/2025 21:37

"Don't send him updates unless he asks"

How petty would that be. Do people really play tit for tat in this way? 🤷‍♀️

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Do people really play tit for tat in this way?

They do. Hence the extremely high divorce rate in this country.

sittingonabeach · 14/09/2025 23:42

@ReadingSoManyThreads what job is so busy that you can’t make a 10 minute phone call in 24 hours

DoneKebab · 14/09/2025 23:43

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:40

Because he's literally on the other side of the planet, like the other poster literally just told you 🙄

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Planes are literally available 🙂

Never mind, I guess we have slightly different parenting standards. Mine are not actually that high, so always interesting when others are lower.

Goldbar · 14/09/2025 23:43

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:41

Well then count yourself lucky that you've never worked a job that is that busy.

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It's a job. Kids come first. Sometimes being an adult with responsibilities involves having hard conversations and having to let others down. But it shouldn't be your kids.

RaffiaworkAttachment · 14/09/2025 23:44

Coffeeoftheworld · 14/09/2025 15:25

He says he can’t FaceTime in the evenings in Australia because he’s either “still working or resting”! I’m so angry with him and DD keeps asking for him too.

This is the bit that would have me rethinking the whole thing. The lack of support.

Eggybreadwithnuts · 14/09/2025 23:44

Tell him only updates will be on FT. Ignore all text messages until he calls you

DoneKebab · 14/09/2025 23:44

sittingonabeach · 14/09/2025 23:42

@ReadingSoManyThreads what job is so busy that you can’t make a 10 minute phone call in 24 hours

The being a substandard parent job. He’ll be OK though, there’s loads of women here that love men like this and calling other women snowflakes 😅

TheSandgroper · 14/09/2025 23:44

AngelicKaty · 14/09/2025 23:12

OP's told us he's a film director further up page 18.

Edited
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I missed that. Thanks.

Original poster
Coffeeoftheworld · 14/09/2025 23:49

I’m so angry with him

OP posts:
Rewis · 14/09/2025 23:50

GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 14/09/2025 23:40

'Working very long days'
So that gives him an excuse to not do a 10 min FaceTime with his Wife and ill child
Nobody is that busy 🙄

Show quote history

Not even that. He's too busy to respond to a text. He has time to read them. But not say "how's dd?".

Ohmygodthepain · 14/09/2025 23:50

My dp could literally not leave his job in the next town if DD was in hospital at death's door. Some jobs are like that.

My ex WOULDN'T have come home from next door if DS 's life was in danger, hence the ex part.

It's Australia, for an existing condition, the plan is made, and he couldn't alter the outcome by being here.

But not face timing could cost him his marriage...

GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 14/09/2025 23:50

Rewis · 14/09/2025 23:50

Not even that. He's too busy to respond to a text. He has time to read them. But not say "how's dd?".

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Exactly

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:51

DoneKebab · 14/09/2025 23:43

Planes are literally available 🙂

Never mind, I guess we have slightly different parenting standards. Mine are not actually that high, so always interesting when others are lower.

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Must be nice to live in your simplistic world!

GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 14/09/2025 23:54

@Coffeeoftheworld where are you in the UK? Maybe one of us can pop by and take you for a coffee whilst DD is resting

Itisallastruggle · 14/09/2025 23:55

I agree that she should call and FT but coming home is unreasonable if your DD isn’t at significant risk. If you want a guy that can rush home just to help parent or to offer comfort, he’d need to have a low-paid, low-responsibility job where he works near home. He can’t just nip back from Australia and return the following day. His absence will affect a lot as a film director and whilst I’m sure his manager would excuse him for an absolute emergency, I doubt they’d be very happy in this scenario. If you want to have this kind of career (and as a family, enjoy all that comes with that), you have to be professional and take your career very seriously. It’s not like working in Asda and needing a few hour off.

No excuse for not calling/texting or FaceTiming, as long as you’re not constantly moaning about him not coming home. If you are and he has to focus on work, I can entirely understand him not wanting direct contact.

Do you have family who can support you for a bit or come to visit your DD whilst you go home to sleep and wash? If so, I’d be making use of them and accepting the circumstances with your DH as being part and parcel of him having a high-flying career.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/09/2025 23:55

sittingonabeach · 14/09/2025 23:42

@ReadingSoManyThreads what job is so busy that you can’t make a 10 minute phone call in 24 hours

I've worked jobs (not saying what exactly) when I worked from 6am until midnight, 7 days per week for 6 weeks in a row. I had about 45 mins travel time each way too, I was fucking shattered. My parents and friends didn't hear from me in all that time, I was working in another country, (didn't have a mobile phone in those days either). @GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers so no Gerberas, sometimes people do not have 10 mins.