To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

OP's told us he's a film director further up page 18.

It’s two separate issues, the not coming home is one debate. The point blank refusal to communicate with either you or DD is disgusting. Call me dramatic but it’s massive shockers like this that led to my divorce. I’d be questioning who the fuck this person was that is supposed to be a partner in life and a dad to the kids. He’s not even ringing you to give you yourself support, let alone responding to your DD’s pleas to speak to him or concerned over your youngest who is still very young to be with even lovely close friends.

Australia time difference, my arse! Ringing during his evening would be middle of the day for you and DD. Appalling.

FaceTiming could be impossible if the film is in a remote (and not so remote) location for a few days.
Op, could insist on a regular telephone call directly to her DD bedside.
The last thing the family needs in a flu or Covid from crowded airports and plane travel.

I think that poster is a few posts short of a thread.

This 100%

Oh that’s it, he’s trying to save them from Covid, particularly the terrible strain transmitted via WiFi 😆

I do that kind of job and so does almost everyone I know. We all make time for our kids no matter how tired.

Im also in Australia and find the time difference quite easy to negotiate because it’s basically at opposite ends of the day to the UK. Very easy for me to talk to my family.

Refusing to have regular contact with our sick child would be marriage-threatening behaviour to me.

Ive just read your updates about what he's doing. FFS.
I would just stop messaging him or replying to him. You're too busy looking after your children to help him feel better about being absent.
Im sorry you're going through this.

Or a few Gins in ....

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I haven’t replied to his message yet, I’m not sure what to say to it.

There’s no reason he can’t come back home for DD and also no reason he can’t FaceTime her.

I wouldn't reply at all OP. The next contact I would have with him would have to be initiated by him - and then I'd make him wait for a sodding reply!

Don't respond. He's telling you clearly he has no interest in supporting you or your child. Hear that and act accordingly.

The more I read your updates @Coffeeoftheworld the more I get stunned

I get the not travelling back but to not even FaceTime or call his daughter is unforgivable

too tired. WTF. Needs sleep for his job so can’t even manage a few minutes

I would think very seriously about staying with this man who really has no time or love for your and your kids

I can't get my head around this. He refuses to facetime his child?

We had 2 medical emergencies with our children - both times dh was travelling for work. Both times (and one was a straightforward appendix) he prioritised getting back as soon as possible because he was concerned about his child, he knew I had to mind the child in hospital and 2 other children, and he knew I had a job I needed to get to too.

Not tit for tat but honestly I would just not text or call him anymore. I couldn't waste my energy on dealing with someone like this. Who does he think is minding the 3 year old? What does he think is happening with your job? and most of all why the fuck is he not concerned that his child wants to talk to him by facetime and he is refusing.

Is he having a breakdown?? When the appendix thing happened my bil was visiting us. He took a day off his job to stay with me and other kids so I could go back and forth from the hospital until dh got here. He wasn't even the kids' father and he was more concerned and involved than your dh.

I don't think it is petty. Why go through the effort of keeping him updates when he can't be bothered with answering the phone? Ir is just another thing to op's to do list. Since even the ping of a text might bother his sleep, it might be best not to text. Surely, if he cares, he would make the effort and ask 🤷🏼‍♀️

Is she in and out of hospital a lot so this isn’t an unusual occurrence? I presume she isn’t that unwell if she can be bothered about video messages rather than just “ your father is a long flight away and sends his love”. If she is unlikely to die and the hospital is part of ongoing management of her ongoing condition then I would let him get on with his job and sort out your obvious unhappiness with your relationship on his return.

I haven't read the whole thread, just your posts, OP.

First off, I hope your daughter is getting better, and that somehow, you are managing to get some rest, and that both of you are able to access decent food. Thank goodness for your best friend having your other child!

I'm from NZ. My DH travels a lot for work, even more so when we lived there. I know what it's like to be the one home holding the family together, treading water while the other one is off on business travels.

Your DH is being a self absorbed lily livered chicken shit. If nothing else, he could man the fuck up and show his wife and his daughter that he gives a shit about them both, and sacrifice a tiny amount of his precious fucking beauty sleep, and face time them, to see how they are doing for himself, be sympathetic, and at least give some semblance of sorrow that he isn't there to support them both.

These are the kinds of things you don't forget, not as a spouse and co-parent, and not as a child.

He should be at home looking after your 3yo.

I would tell him that your friend has had enough of doing his job (i.e. being a parent) and so it's past time that your DD's actual parent comes home.

Oh come on, not "no reason". He's on location for work, working very long days. Working hard to provide for the family, on the other side of the world.

All the OP is asking is that she can FaceTime her Husband, literally 10-15 mins once/twice a day, and that her Daughter wants to speak to her Daddy
He can't even provide that - the basics

Not read the whole thread then?

Yes, I have actually 🙄

Hmm. He's literally on the other side of the planet and DD is in hospital with a flare of an existing condition that she may be home within a week. His job likely has DOZENS of others reliant on him being there, in person, and any delay could cost his company a FORTUNE. Film sets are one place where time literally IS money and rescheduling is catastrophic.

If it was an emergency, as in, literal life at risk job is be telling him not to bother coming home.

As it is, she's in good, capable hands, and him being here or not won't make a jot of difference to her recovery. It would also cost the family a packet for his flight(s), take in excess of 30 hours minimum depending on flight routes and he'd be zero use after that long travelling even if he did go to the hospital.

He's ABSOLUTELY and utterly being a cunt for not face timing though. Unforgivable.

Go to bed and get some rest now OP. You need all your energy for your daughter.
Tomorrow is another day. X