To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

agree that you shouldn’t contact his manager. Let’s be honest. This is about him and what he wants. Not about his work at all. You cannot make someone love you or want to be a parent. I’m so sorry for all of you at home OP but at least you know now. Get your ducks in a row.

Have you bothered to read any of the thread?
I suggest you delete this asinine comment.

Now DD is asking for him again, I’m getting so angry with him that he can’t even FaceTime his own child! It would literally take him 10 minutes and he can’t even do that! I’m so angry

I think your updates will consist of 🖕

I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s his boss or anything. There’s something going on with him and I don’t think it’s to do with Australia. I’d write him off for the time being, when he gets back there would be the reckoning.

Is he doing a job where his “rest” is important because of life or death I.e medical professional, operating heavy machinery ? It’s not really important in the bigger scheme of things but if he is out there doing desk based / people facing but not life or death work then what the actual hell is he playing at! I’d be so so upset on your position OP. The nerve or him to say he needs to rest when you are looking after one DD in hospital and arranging last minute childcare for your other child.

Even the US military would let dads get emergency leave to go see their sick infants.

He’s a film director. But it’s no excuse for him not being able to come back here for DD or for him not being able to FaceTime her! If it was me I’d drop everything and be on the first flight home! All of the other mothers I know too would be on the first flight home as well if it was their child!

I’m so angry that DH won’t come back for DD and even more angry that he won’t FaceTime her!

Husband is right in this instant.
He is three or four days away and will have a huge chance of bringing flu or Covid from the plane travel to your ill daughter.
You probably all need the money due to the chronic disease and 4000 taken out for extra plane fare is not welcome.

The Facetime issue is different. Your DH could nominate a time that suits his end, and you could work with the hospital to have ten minutes of facetime then. Your DD can be much more flexible as she is in the same place all day. However, realistically, a telephone call and the sound of her Dad's voice would cheer her up. The visual feed is likely to be fuzzy or connection bad from many rural places in Australia.

DH is coming back within the month.
He obviously understands your daughter's illness too.
Be calm and reassuring for your daughter. Don't give her unrealistic expectations.

Up your standards. Women don't need to be martyrs.

His sick, hospitalised child is asking for him, that alone should be enough. But the (insert your own expletive) can't even be bothered to facetime because he's "resting".

Hospital time is exhausting. Speaking from experience. It's noisy, there are regular checks on your child, they are unsettled themselves from feeling ill, medicines and strange noises. If two adults aren't there, they're left alone when you need to shower/ go to the bathroom/ get food.

This isn't a out being childish and needing someone to hold your hand. This is about your PARTNER showing up and being a partner when dealing with the stress of a sick child and juggling another staying with friends because daddy is too busy to come home. I feel sorry for you that you would expect so little from a partner.

Priorities all wrong. I would divorce my husband if he did this.

Did you miss the bit about how OPs other child (a 3 year old) is being looked after by a friend whilst OP is with her 7-year old in hospital? Or the part where OP is having to take leave from her own job to manage the situation with her children?

On what planet should only one parent be expected to manage this entire situation for a week or longer when there is a second parent who’s equally responsible for both children? Your response is bizarre.

This would be unforgivable for me. No way he doesn't have time to text. So something else is happening here. You have a lot on your plate, so maybe now is not the time to try and figure out what, but I would be so mad, I’d not be sending him any updates. This is not the behaviour of a caring father or husband. He could find the time, he's just choosing not to. Why is the question?

Because they have more than one child so one should be with the other and swap . Above all because the op asked him .
Im far from a snowflake I was a single mum 15 years I’ve been alone in all the above situations and picked a husband I knew would be by my side if they happened because they are are scary , lonely and hard . It’s a wedding it should be 2 people supporting each other . OP clearly needs him and so does this child so he should be there .

What field is he in, @Coffeeoftheworld ? Because if it’s mining, they make a huge thing now about their family friendly policies now. Though the industry is still run by masculine wankers, even if the highest paid of them all is a woman.

Could she leave him a voice-mail asking him to call her?

I don’t think I would be supplying him with updates. Let him ask.

Call his manager. He’s either f*cking her or someone else. I would give two shits at this point whether it looks bad on him or not, or whatever else.

If i try and see it from his point of view he probably sees you as overbearing and needy and it's pissing him off so he's fighting back. Probably a tad touch of the old "weaponized incompetence". Not that i condone it but seriously op you need to grow up. You are a grown woman and you don't need him here. Let him make his money then he will be back in 2 weeks.
Learn how to fend and cope for yourself you don't need him to hold your hand like a baby.

Oh goodness ok. So whatever film he is working on is clearly his creative baby and he doesn’t care about his actual baby at home! I’ve worked in the creative industries (including theatre directing) and know how all consuming work like that can be, especially if you are running the show in a directorial role. It’s one of the reasons why I had to leave the industry because I knew that there wasn’t space for anything else in my life if I continued!

I am assuming that he is of the opinion that if he ups and leaves then he will be letting a lot of people down. Which is likely true. But there truly is no reason at all why he cannot find time in his day for a FaceTime call with his sick child. I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

Yes, sorry, I was being too specific about a "lunch" break - but breakfast, dinner, coffee break, comfort break(!), any space of time between him ending work and going to sleep that sensibly aligns with UK time ...
It's just nonsense, isn't it, that he's claiming he needs to go 'no contact' for two days as if he couldn't possibly find 5-10mins to reply to a text. I'd rip him a new one.

Oh do shut up.

What fucking planet are you on?
Seriously

@Hadmysay you've had your say now shut up

Is it a situation where he has to be directing every shot, from early to late, and actors, hair, make up, lighting etc have all had this three week thing in their diaries for months?

But, a ten minute FaceTime twice a day? Everyone has time for that. I bet most people spend longer than that having a shit. Waiting in the lunch queue? Waiting for his coffee to cool down? Waiting for the lighting people to adjust the camera settings?

I think he could have fitted in two face time sessions per day. But for some reason he doesn’t want to, his whatever he’s filming is more important to him right now.

Nothing overbearing about expecting a father to pay a (frankly tiny) amount of attention to his children and wife.

The Op has a job, a kid in hospital and a kid staying with a friend.

Any spouse calling her needy in those circumstances would be an absolutely shit spouse.

WTF.

The op is concerned her child wants to speak to her father you fool.

Op have you answered his message yet?