To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

I would reply "I won't be messaging or calling you again, at all, I'm disgusted with your behaviour and your lack of care for your hospitalised daughter. I haven't yet decided if you can come home after this work trip but I suggest you make alternative arrangements anyway. I don't think I can forgive this."

Then block him on everything.

I would be so upset and livid. What a disgusting man.

Does he normally go into tunnel vision mode for work? My DH has been known to have phases when he's stressed at work and suddenly his Important Work is the most all-consuming priority that has ever been, he is the only person in the world who does such Important Work and none of us must even suggest for a moment that he turn his attention away from such very Important Work. The fact that I work in the same field as he does and have equally Important Work passes him by, no doubt because I don't make such a drama about it.

I guess I could contact his manager like a previous poster suggested and ask if he can come back from Australia earlier/urgently for DD but I feel like DH should have been the one to ask his manager not me? His manager is a mother too so I’m sure she would understand if he asked her and explained the situation.

If I was away for work and DD had been admitted to hospital while I was away I would have been coming home straight away no matter what. And I would have come home no matter how unhappy my manager was. That’s just what I as a mother would do.

A lunch break won’t help as it would be 2am in the uk, but I start calls to the uk at 5pm and go through to 10pm and that’s about 8am to 12noon in the uk, so a very easy doable crossover. There is no forgiveable explanation for this behaviour, he wouldn’t be coming home to our house at all. The kids are 3 & 7- what kind of dad doesn’t FaceTime them regularly while away even when they’re healthy?!!

What sort of job requires this level of "concentration"?

Red flags everywhere. If one of my kids have a tummy bug and I have to go to work I can always find time to message to check in with whoever is looking after them no matter how busy it gets at work. I am baffled by a parent who won’t talk to their own poorly kid. I mean, men do shitty things to their wives all the time but to ignore your poorly child and give such pathetic excuses is inexcusably low.

@Coffeeoftheworld OP, please ignore the suggestions to contact his boss - your DH would be rightly livid and then you'd end up having to defend your actions when you want to keep him on the back foot about his. Don't give him the ammunition for any kind of comeback at you.
If I were you I wouldn't contact him at all for the next few days. See how long it takes him to contact you - and then keep him waiting for a reply. I mean, what's the point in texting him when he's offering no support whatsoever? You may just as well crack on holding the fort alone, as you are, whilst he's determined to be no help whatsoever.

I too think he's checked out of parenting and your marriage.

I get you have more pressing priorities acting as a single mom when you've got a child in the hospital and one that a friend is caring for, but can you put out feelers for a lawyer referral to get a consult before your shit husband returns? Get your documents like ids and birth certificates and passports, copies of financials, and passwords to your accounts. Store them in a safe place outside of your home where your husband can't access them. He is not your support person now. Can you change passwords so he can't empty your accounts? Make sure you have living funds for the next couple months accessible to you.

⬆️ this !!! If it’s per of a chronic condition and he has reason to think she’ll get better /it’s under control then yes it’s difficult to justify returning early from his work trip.

however not calling is totally crap!!!! Indefensible

I’m sorry you’re going through this alone and I hope you have decent local support.

There is something really odd about this. My DH would stay up all night if that's what it required to be on a video with his kid in hospital. I can understand some work circumstances that mean coming home would be impossible but not to talk to the kid, and to then go silent for 2 days? Honestly I'd stop sending him any information whatsoever. Fuck him!

No you shouldn't contact his manager

Yikes I agree don’t contact his boss! Not sure what good would come of that. He obviously doesn’t want to ask her to leave early so even if she said yes I’m not sure much good would come of it if he doesn’t want to be there.

What is he normally like as a parent and husband? This is really appalling and bizarre behaviour.

Sadly I think I agree with the suggestion to just stop communicating with him. He’s providing no support anyway and doesn’t deserve updates. If he’s normally responsive and caring something strange is going on, and if he’s normally like this I can’t imagine how you’ve stayed together?!

Something odd is going on here Op, this isn’t logical behaviour. He’s hiding something.

is this place somewhere he’s been before?

But why does it need both parents to be there? Especially when it's not life threatening.
Some of you really do need to grow up. It's like you act like little kids and need your husbands to hold your hand with every little thing you do.
Unpopular opinion byt this is why I respect my parents generation of women,whilst not perfect and I'm sure some of them put up with too much,they got on with things and didn't need to be baby'd like little snowflakes.

Fair point
I stand corrected
Good advice

Have you read the whole thread?

There is no version of reality in which I would ever accept my husband putting work before our child, and nor would he. He absolutely should come home and the whole thing seems very fishy.. especially the FaceTime part.

I really hope your daughter feels better soon.

I really don’t think you should contact his manager. It would be infantilising and make both him and you look ridiculous and he could reasonably be furious about it.

The issue is not that he’s not allowed to come (and in fact, as I said before, I’m not sure that’s totally unreasonable if it’s not a complete emergency) but that you and his DD are apparently last on his list of priorities. Even if he can’t come home, any half-decent husband or father would be finding time to contact you and his child daily to offer love and moral support. How much "relaxing" time does he think you’re getting?

Tbh I'm not sure I could get over this.

hes a selfish wanker- one child in hospital he wont talk to and another having being looked after somewhere else and he doesnt give a shit

He might be in Australia but who with? If he won’t FaceTime I’d be suspicious

@Coffeeoftheworld I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a selfish prat. His latest message is disgusting.

One of my children has asthma and has been hospitalised with this after a break fatal attack. I cancelled a work trip at considerable monetary and time cost to my work, including letting them down on the fact I was to deliver speeches. Do I regret that, not one bit, my child was sick and they are my priority. (Flight was 12 hrs so whilst not Australia, comparable in terms of being long haul). If it had happened whilst I was there, it would be first flight home.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that both my husband and I would fly back for the other if one of our children were hospitalised. Doesn't need to be life threatening, hospital time is exhausting, you hardly sleep through the night, you're worried sick, you have another child to check up on, in addition to keeping on top of that child's treatment, keeping spirits up etc).

I couldn't forgive my husband if he did this and this would be the end for me.

(And my work were wonderful about it because they're not assholes)

No FT or even phone calls now is so odd...there are bathroom breaks/lunch breaks in 99% of jobs, unless he's a brain surgeon or something like. Even then he would get some breaks.

So you want him to treck all the way to mcdonalds just to make a video call? And btw mcdonalds wifi are shit as well.

Only you can know what type of work he’s doing in Australia and if it is in any way reasonable for him to be off grid for 48+ hours unable to reply to messages. The refusal to FaceTime is already a huge red flag for me.

That is all separate to your DD being in hospital- I hope she’s recovering well and going to get home soon. I’m a bit on the fence as to whether he should come home in these circumstances however he should be showing considerably more interest in how she’s doing and how you’re coping with everything on your own than he seems to be. Does he actually care about either of you?

The 7 year old is going to be in for at least a week. Now I'm not in the UK, but they don't keep patients in for 8 days plus unless there's something serious going on. She has a younger child and needs all hands on deck. This is a crisis and she needs support.

I'm older and guess what. It was really rare for a father to just fuck off and refuse contact with their sick, hospitalized kid. Like I can count on the my fingers rare in decades. She's asked for him to FaceTime her and he's refused. OP is not some snowflake. She's keeping it going while one kid is hospitalized, a younger with a friend, and her shit husband has fucked off in Australia and refuses to contact any of them. Her marriage just fell apart.

Snowflake my ass.