To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

does not sound great at all

YANBU.

Unless there’s some missing context. Why does he need to be there in person? Is he a performer or something? Can he not have his remaining meetings etc online?

Regardless, he should explain the situation to his employer and be offering solutions to make it easier to cut short his trip.

To not even agree to a video call with his child is very odd, especially if she’s asking for him. And to say it’s because it’ll make him tired is an appalling excuse. I doubt you’re getting much sleep if you’re in hospital with your child.

Depends where he is in Australia but wouldn’t a post-work evening call from most time zones be mid-morning UK time when your child is more likely to be awake?

He's hiding something massive there in Australia. Get copies of all the financials. Look for new emails, or if he's opened a new credit card. Be prepared and get the name of a good lawyer.

That he won't FaceTime his own sick 7 year old, this would be come to Jesus time. He's completely checked out when your kid is having a big health crisis. He's gone nearly no contact during this. That's nuts. That her hospital stay looks open ended and at least a week, I hope you have a lot of support around you.

I was a PICU nurse for a couple decades and NICU before that. It's very, very unusual to see fathers this checked out. Has he even been in contact with her docs?

I wouldn't - not for a chronic condition where she might be out in a week and I'm a few days' away. I would, however, FaceTime at a time suited to DD

Major Red flag unfortunately

What a dickhead! Why can’t he FaceTime, at least?? I wouldn’t be bothered updating him

Though, once she’s out of hospital, who does he expect to look after her at home?

Is he expecting @Coffeeoftheworld to take even more time off her job to care for a sick child at home?

@Coffeeoftheworld when was the last time you spoke to him?

did you pick up, op, that there are Aussie lasses ready to pitch a sign on the hotel lawn for you.

Of course he is, is he can't find five minutes to Facetime her, he's hardly going to take time off work to look after her, is he? Selfish sod.

Don’t be silly, that’s not even nearly the same. And even if it were, ‘I sucked it up, so you should too’ is a shitty look.

This is really unreasonable. I wouldn’t necessarily expect my husband to fly back from Australia. But I wouldn’t expect calls and regular practice contact.

You wouldn't expect calls?

This part is disgusting.

I can understand not coming back, particularly if you know she will be fine, and a flight would be so expensive and then whatever repercussions for missing out on work events.

But not even video calling her?

I hate to suggest this, but are you sure he is where he claims to be?

This!

instead a colleague, could be the boss ( speculating obviously ) , she controls him and he needs the promotion

I wouldn’t ask my DH to fly back (he would definitely say he would, but I’d tell him not to) but I would be absolutely furious about not even bothering to FaceTime.

different if it was life threatening, then I’d absolutely want him back asap.

same if it was me over there - I’d be straight on a plane if it was life threatening but otherwise not. But I’d definitely be FaceTiming regularly.

I agree with this. This bit is unreasonable.

Don't send him updates unless he asks.

I could forgive/understand him not coming home if he was otherwise showing some concern. Staying up late to call. Sending a text every few hours etc. And be ready to come back if things take a turn or something.

Cool. Are you suggesting she doesn’t challenge him then, suck it up and keep the home fires burning? Make him his favourite dinner when he eventually drags his carcass home! He has form for this. I’m not a fan of ultimatums usually but he needs to know all of the repercussions of his avoidance and shit behaviour. After that l would only respond to phone calls or face times

He should come home so that you don’t have to take all the leave off from your work. If he cuts his trip short by one week, he can take the second week off work if your daughter is still in hospital.

Also he should be back to look after your younger child while you are in hospital - it’s not fair that he expects your friend to pick up his role in his absence.

I can’t believe his refusal to help or care at all.

The not FaceTiming is very suspicious. I’ve caught up with family in Australia with no problem. This is very strange behaviour.

OP, he's told you who he is. His actions speak volumes. I'm sorry for you and your children - you are not his priority. I suggest you stop trying to contact him and don't push for an emotional response from him - he will just show anger and direct it at you. Do what you have to do to support your children through this difficult time. You are now wiser and better informed about who you are married to and what kind of parent they are. Use this information to make the right choices for you and your kids moving forward. Maybe he will come home apologetic and say all the right things, he might promise the Earth but his actions won't match.

No need for him to fly home from literally the other side of the world to simply see DD in hospital if it’s not life threatening. I wouldn’t fly home from a work trip in Australia for that. The refusing to FaceTime is weird though and he has no excuse for not doing this.

What about his other daughter who’s left with ops friend. What about taking it in turns to be there for both daughters.