To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

As others have said, I wouldn’t necessarily expect DH to fly straight back. It would depend on the circumstances e.g. if this was a really big opportunity that could significantly improve the family’s financial situation, then he should stay.

But the fact that he hasn’t even tried to think of coming home as an option is disappointing.

The fact that he refuses to FaceTime is deeply suspicious. Using Life360 to confirm his location doesn’t mean that’s all is innocent. There is only one reason that I can think of that he flat refuses to FaceTime his own child in hospital and that’s because he is doing something that he wants to keep secret. I’m sorry as I’m sure @Coffeeoftheworld that is the last thing you want to hear. I hope all goes well with your DD and that you are both back home very soon.

Is this the same dh that fucked off to Glastonbury earlier this year when their child was in hospital?

I can't understand why he won't video call you. Or come home tbh. Is he on some last ditch mission to save his job or something?

@GerberasAreMyFavouriteFlowers - I’m not sure. It wouldn’t feel natural. DC went all through Uni in a city at the other side of the country where they still live. DH travels a lot for work. Both my parents have died in the past 2 years, 200 miles in a different direction. None of us thought of FT.

It wasn't that long ago that a Facetime call wouldn't even have been an option OP. You will be fine without a Facetime call - millions of people have managed before and you can manage now. He is making conventional telephone calls and keeping in contact by other means - that's fine.

But FaceTime calls are an option now. And by the sounds of it he’s doing a piss poor job of communication at all.

You might imagine that a man that is refusing to come home from a trip would be doing his best to justify that decision with copious contact?

OP - he doesn’t seem to have any concern about your friend having to look after your younger child either?

A friend manages to FT her mum either first thing in the morning or in the evening when she’s in Australia, it’s not difficult. I would assume he doesn’t want you to see him for some reason. I would definitely be saying you answer my ft or we’re done as I would feel he is hiding something. Hope your daughter is ok

If was a serious life threatening condition then yes I’d expect everyone to run to the hospital from wherever they were. For a chronic illness flare up where they are getting treatment it might be different especially if a person is in Australia.
My dh travels a lot for work and when one of my dc had cancer I told him to carry on with his work and travel and I did the chemo and radiation and juggled the other dc because he is the main breadwinner and quite frankly I didn’t want to have to deal with major financial worries on top of everything else. Yes it was a serious medical condition but dc’s life wasn’t immediately in danger during treatment so we didn’t all have to be sitting there. He was there enough in between.

Dh worked abroad the best part of 2 decades ago and we used Skype video chats pretty much daily.

If op's dh wanted to he would. Obvs with the exception of him being some kind of secret squirrel agent in a top secret secure location.

Of course - but video, whether on FT or WhatsApp, or Skype, or Teams still consumes vastly more data usage than voice only.

It's Australia @CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone - not the Outer Hebrides. They do have WiFi

Refusing to FaceTime is suss in itself . Very weird behaviour .
I doubt I’d come back from a work trip so far away if it wasn’t life threatening
I’d hate every minute being away and would want to call/FaceTime as much as I could.

@Coffeeoftheworld op is he def in a work trip ? Maybe you don’t need to hear that right now I just feel it has to be asked . Considering

Has she been in hospital before? Is she expected to go in again? How many times has she been in? Would you expect him to rush home every time?

I wouldn’t expect him to come back from Australia. But he should be FaceTiming and keeping in regular contact with you. Is he feeling a bit complacent maybe if this is an ongoing issue with your daughter and she regularly gets admitted and then comes home after a few days?

Bloody hell that's a poor effort. I travel for work and if DC was admitted to hospital I would be straight home.

Is it the kind of work where he would genuinely be that essential for that many hours of the day? Is his role irreplaceable?

I can't fathom the no video calls even if he is not processing the severity of it.

It really doesn't matter if posters here wouldn't use FT in any circumstances.

The Op and child would like to FT. It's not a ridiculous request.

Too far to come, too expensive and too much for work to subsidise.

I would only come back if it was serious, she’s sick but not at serious risk according to the post.

I did not say he was lying about his location. Or having an affair. I did say he’s lying about not being able to FaceTime. Because he’s “resting”? An interesting approach, I’ll give YOU that one.

Oh I’d forgotten about that thread.

What’s the time difference where he is? I can understand him not wanting to fly home if your DD is regularly hospitalised but not wanting to FT because he’s “resting” is really weird. So he is available (ie not working or sleeping) but he’d rather rest than FT with his sick child? I don’t think I could forgive someone for taking that position.

I would be reading him the riot act in a harsh way. He needs to step up and sort his priorities out. He can’t be that busy to not make phone calls! That’s total rubbish lm afraid. In the current world and NHS then admissions of that length are realistically serious. He’s coming across as a shit father and a shit husband (why do you need to pick up all the pieces?). Your daughters friends parents are doing more than him

If it’s the same guy then l would be sorting a divorce. But more fool her for sticking with him, he was a major dick about Glastonbury

The not facetiming sounds very suspicious. Do you trust him?

Not being funny but if this guy cares so little he is ignoring desperate calls to make contact with his eldest daughter who is seriously ill in hospital do you really think “reading him the riot act” is going to impact at all?

Not coming home is understandable but not face timing his child is unforgivable.

He may be in Australia but I highly doubt it's for the reasons he's told you. But you can deal with this when he gets home. For now, focus on your DD. In fact I think I'd switch off from him full stop.

That's very suspicious if you ask me.
Sorry not trying to make a bad situation worse.
Can understand not coming home but the not face timing but answering WhatsApp voice is weird

He’s definitely BU for not FaceTiming and saying he needs to rest! I often wish I had more time to rest but unfortunately parenting responsibilities supersede one’s need for rest so this is ridiculous. Did he refuse to wake in the night when they were babies as well?

If it were just you and DD in hospital and the illness is unlikely to be life changing I’d say it might be reasonable for him to finish out his trip depending on the circumstances.

However given the fact you’ve got another child (who is still very young!) I’d say it’s totally unreasonable for him to stay. It’s absurd for him to expect your best friend to look after his child for a week whilst you tend to a second child in hospital. It’s also sad for your second child — I’m sure your friend is lovely but surely she’d be more comfortable at this uncertain time being looked after by a parent?!

It’s also absurd that he expects you’ll just take a week plus off work to manage it all on your own. His work responsibilities don’t trump your own. If he’s always like this I’d seriously be having a hard think about my marriage.

Bloody he’ll. What is the point of him??

he knows he’s behaving badly, hence avoiding calls.

he’s ‘tired’?? What does he think you are? Selfish dick.

I’d find it very hard to get past this. I’d be rethinking the relationship.