Puzzled how lovely DB ended up with awful wife

[howdoesthishappen]

AIBU to (alongside other family members) be completely puzzled and confused as to how my DB has ended up with SIL. He is calm , kind, hard working and she is the most confrontational, antagonistic, highly strung, controlling and controversial person we’ve ever met.

He is a good judge of character with everyone else, always kept himself out of any trouble or conflict yet seems completely happy with her ? It’s like he doesn’t see or hear the things she does and says. Totally under her spell?

Many times we’ve asked him is he ok ? Is everything ok? He knows we are here for him but it’s absolutely baffling. How do these situations happen . Aside from always making sure he knows we are here for him and trying (it’s hard) to maintain contact what do you do ? It’s just a really bad gut feeling about her as well as the way she behaves.

AIBU to be concerned

Sexual attraction is a funny thing.

Yes I often think it probably is based on looks/attraction as there’s nothing else about her that I’d imagine anyone would like the second she starts !

Perhaps it's up to your brother to make his own choices? Clearly you don't like her, but he clearly does so.....is it possible she's giving put that energy because she's aware how little you all 'approve' of her?

Opposites attract!

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe she's that way because of what he does her.

You’re right - I don’t . I’ve really tried but she’s just so antagonistic it’s impossible. It’s just so confusing although I will say in her defence I’ve never once seen her act that way to him yet she will be rude / confrontational/ condescending in front of him to others

Maybe she finds you 'so antagonistic it's impossible'?
Maybe she thinks you're too involved in your brother's life?
Maybe she is just unpleasant?
Telling him how you don't like her isn't going to help though! You have to step back, but make it clear that you're there if he needs your support.

My ds has a dw who's cut him off from all of us. Using his phone to send texts that clearly aren't from him. As dd pointed out he's a grown up. 6 months before they married he told me he didn't even want to be with her.

Sad life but only he can change it.
Be there for your db.

I’m not really a confrontational or antagonistic person at all I’m more of the type to avoid those type of situations so I don’t think it’s that . Although I don’t know how she perceives things. We just always feel on edge even simple things like if they come round to visit anyone and we offer a drink, there was once a huge argument she had said 1 sugar and took a mouthful and immediately acted like it was poison! Started ranting about how it was 2 sugars and demanded it was remade with her watching. She steers conversations to controversial topics and just seems to want to create an atmosphere. This has been going on for nearly 10 years, I’ve never once argued with her but it’s just puzzling me how she can be so hostile! Plus it does worry me a bit as the situation just feels off

I have wondered about maybe a MH issue and/or anxiety as it seems almost sometimes like she’s very nervous alongside the confrontational behaviour, there’s almost a slight vulnerability there I think that’s why I’ve been so confused

If it was anyone else I’d just totally avoid but I have that worry for DB in the back of my mind

Right, that does sound a tad odd.
Is she kind to him?

She sounds a bit like my sister. She is high maintenance, demanding, selfish, opinionated, confrontational & even as an adult has massive tantrums if she doesn’t get her own way. My sister has a lovely husband, I have no idea how he puts up with her crap. But they have a long & I assume happy marriage so hats off to him, he must be saint. She isn’t even that good looking.
Who knows the mysteries of the human heart?

I can honestly say I have never ever seen or heard her be anything other than lovely to him - this is what is weird. She will be awful in front of him to others it’s like he doesn’t see and hear it, she will talk to him and their dc completely reasonably and seems calm. He says they are happy , when we have raised it with him when shes not there he seems confused and says he didn’t think she was rude / antagonistic/ unreasonable. We’ve even privately had a conversation between us wondering has she hypnotised him it’s that’s odd!

People fall for strange people all the time. DH’s older brother used to be very cool. He married someone incredibly prissy and highly-strung, very invested in her own fragility, and has turned into a terrible, small-minded bore who has also dropped his family. That’s not his wife’s fault, obviously, and I’ve always got on perfectly well with her though we live in different countries — but something in that marriage and fatherhood (and maybe age) has amplified a side of him that must have always been there, but hidden.

What always interests me is the way he clearly slightly fetishises her ‘fragility,’ and she likes it. It’s all cooing ‘(Oh, my poor little wife! Go straight up to bed!’) after she comes in from work, as though she’d just been rescued from a sinking ship, and guarding her naps on their rare visits to DH’s parents as though she’s an invalid, when in fact I think they’re her way to avoid our PIL.

But clearly it works for them!

OK, I haven't read the thread except for the OP's initial post, but I have the answer to this! Having seen this dynamic play out in MANY relationships in my family, I know exactly what's going on.

When I say "this dynamic," I'm talking about a really sweet, nice person paired with someone like your SIL, definitely NOT nice. My family has a number of awful people paired with absolute sweethearts.

I've come to realise that horrible people want a nice person as much as anyone, so what they do is, be really nice and be a great partner TO THAT ONE PERSON, while continuing to be an absolute arsehole to everyone else. That's why the nice partner can't see it. Yes, I have wondered why the nice partner can't see what they're like to everyone else, but the horrible person does tend to pick someone who's not only very nice but also, shall we say, a little naive. Has a sunny outlook. Wants to believe the best in people.

So there's your answer. They are lovely to their nice partner because there's something in it for them, while being their usual nasty selves to everyone else, who then sitting there scratching their heads. They are usually very good partners to those people, too.

I think my husband’s family would say this about me 🤣 except that I am very quiet, reserved and introverted which is the polar opposite to my husband who is extremely sociable and loves going out and being loud and centre of attention, they are baffled as to why he would want to be with me. They were all at a lock in (him included) in the pub last night and went to bed at 4am this morning, while I was at home with my dogs having a sleepover in bed with me and up at 5.30 😂😂

It’s the ‘She’s different when she’s with me’ mindset. Like being the best friend of the class bully, who demands lunch money with menaces from everyone else, but not you. That makes you special.

DB knows we are here for him I think my worry is that behind closed doors it could be different or if it’s ok now it may change as there’s clearly something wrong ? It’s just the strangest situation mostly it’s like DB is not seeing it when it happens in front of him. She has been extremely rude to DM many times and he doesn’t say anything we’ve had to say ‘hang on that’s enough’ at points and she just glares and it’s like DB is not even there he doesn’t get involved

That makes a lot of sense. I thought maybe at one point she was perhaps narcissistic but after reading up on it she’s clearly not as doesn’t seem to care what anyone thinks of her and almost does the opposite of gaslighting often blaming her self and referring back to incidents where she’s seemed as if she being manipulative or shit stirring and totally owned it? It’s just incredibly odd

My friend is in a relationship like this. From what she’s said, I think she actually admires some of the traits that others find rude. She is incredibly mild mannered, and she likes that fact that he sticks up for himself / them, and says what he thinks. She’s said before that she wishes she was a bit more like him.

I think I’m just starting to think about what Xmas will be like this year as it’s starting to get talked about and plans made etc . She always seems to bring an atmosphere and a lot of controversy

Not really any of your business. Unless of course you are actually worried about his safety. If they are happy, leave them to it.

One thing I’m always surprised at is their dc and this is what makes me believe that she is not this way at home as they are genuinely the most delightful children polite , kind, etc. yet very often she behaves quite terribly in front of them ??

I really feel for you; must be awful to have your DB marry someone like that. Sadly I don't think the nice person/nasty person dynamic is that uncommon. 😢

I've had a couple of situations in my life which were really bothersome and about which I could do absolutely nothing and had no control over. I literally chose not to let the situations bother me anymore, and it helped my peace a lot. There is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about your brother's choice of wife - believe me, I know - so tbh I would make a choice not to mind. Otherwise your mind will just scrabble uselessly at this problem, which you can't solve and which will only make you feel worse.