Puzzled how lovely DB ended up with awful wife

[howdoesthishappen]

AIBU to (alongside other family members) be completely puzzled and confused as to how my DB has ended up with SIL. He is calm , kind, hard working and she is the most confrontational, antagonistic, highly strung, controlling and controversial person we’ve ever met.

He is a good judge of character with everyone else, always kept himself out of any trouble or conflict yet seems completely happy with her ? It’s like he doesn’t see or hear the things she does and says. Totally under her spell?

Many times we’ve asked him is he ok ? Is everything ok? He knows we are here for him but it’s absolutely baffling. How do these situations happen . Aside from always making sure he knows we are here for him and trying (it’s hard) to maintain contact what do you do ? It’s just a really bad gut feeling about her as well as the way she behaves.

AIBU to be concerned

That sounds very possible.

Once you get over the fact that she is rather brutally honest, you could find her straightforward. She sounds anxious and controlling(often go together for obvious reasons) but your DB might like someone else taking over the responsibility. Plenty of people do and if it isn’t nasty, and both people are happy with it, then it is fine. I also think some people find discussing controversial topics stimulating. If people just stick to polite safe topics and get upset about the stronger stuff, I tend to get extremely bored. I like being around people who can be a bit more challenging, even if I don’t agree with them. What you find offensive, your DB may find interesting.

Unfortunately people sometimes make strange choices we don’t understand op. My brother is in a similar situation and is incredibly loyal to someone who treats him like shit. I suppose women do it all the time. They stay with awful men who treat them badly. Maybe it’s just that we see men do the same less often?

Furthermore, people sometimes marry characteristics they can't stand in anyone else. My sister has spent her life berating us all for not being as organised and five-year-plan as she is, and guess what kind of man she married?

My DB is in a relationship similar to this. Although she doesn’t behave outwardly badly in front of us, she is a controlling, sly, manipulative person. I believe she is a covert narcissist. She fits the profile to a T. I know for a fact that she is in the relationship for a very specific reason (money, stability and status basically). I also know that my DB is a kind, caring, easygoing guy but a bit emotionally unintelligent (sorry bro!) and that people like her pounce on people like him. They can only get away with their shit with certain people. Your DB sounds like one of those too. He might not even see her stunts?

Like your family, the children are the most outwardly polite, non-intrusive people you could meet though I believe they have had this drilled into them. It is very faux. I feel very sorry for them. They are highly controlled.

All I can say is that they have made their bed. We’ve spent hours and hours discussing it between me and my parents but at the end of the day he’s a grown man.

I think I understand this behaviour.

Although I wouldn't just pluck something out of things air off topic, I am the one who asks awkward questions sometimes.
I've been called confrontational quite often during my younger years because I was blunt. Brutally honest with my opinions if asked. If I didn't understand something about a situation, I would ask things that would be like calling someone out only I really wasn't calling them out. I can see now how I may have come across.

My non blood dad said I was destructive because I would go off but I was mainly defending myself, passionately.

I say inappropriate things often.
I did it today at my son's school.
I said something about it's good when you can add another finger 🫣
Before I got to finger I was flapping and laughing already. The receptionists found it amusing because I'd got embarrassed about myself and I'm apologising for my juvenility while still grinning about the naughtiness of the comment.

I really wouldn't be surprised if she is neurodiverse.

Did you have a look into the neurodivergent umbrella?

If she isn't then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Every single woman I've met who is like your dsis has ended up with a passive, quite, "simpy" man who can't seem to look after himself. I could never be with such a man though!

Sounds like she's standing her ground if op has become hostile. What does she expect.

Lol, to all the posters who have alligned themselves with op, I'm a lovely sister and my SIL is also vile, a form of collective bullying alligning themselves as good as opposed to bad.
Probably rooted in jealousy of possesions, lifstyle, time and energy.
You can't police or own a sibling's life, your protection can be seen as abuse or scapegoating, it sounds intimidating and one way or another I can imagine you not being in her life for the longrun and that could also include your nieces and nephews, so have a think before you continue down this warfare path.

These types of over protective families are usually there as flying monkeys when brothers are dehumanising and discarding their partners, they get involved.

Maybe vibes are coming from your brother giving you permission to treat his wife with disrespect, this is a brother problem who doesn't have his wife's back and is failing to support her.

Why post this, it''s vindictive wanting validation to continue treating her with contempt.

For some reason I've managed to respect and care for all my SIL's, they are not perfect but neither am I, and I also happy for the good things they have achieved together as a team.

I wouldn't call him passive or simpy, but it's fair to say that she's the organiser and his nickname in the family is Lastminute.com. They have a big family and he still has never learned that if you want a table for six on Saturday night in a busy city centre, you'd do well to book it. He takes his library books out on the kids' cards because otherwise the late return fees would bankrupt them (he'll be fucked when the youngest turns 16).

Which is fine, he's not my husband, but every now and then she berates me for being disorganised because I haven't created a day by day schedule for a holiday I'm taking in six months' time, and I have to ask if she's ever met her bloody husband!