Puzzled how lovely DB ended up with awful wife

[howdoesthishappen]

AIBU to (alongside other family members) be completely puzzled and confused as to how my DB has ended up with SIL. He is calm , kind, hard working and she is the most confrontational, antagonistic, highly strung, controlling and controversial person we’ve ever met.

He is a good judge of character with everyone else, always kept himself out of any trouble or conflict yet seems completely happy with her ? It’s like he doesn’t see or hear the things she does and says. Totally under her spell?

Many times we’ve asked him is he ok ? Is everything ok? He knows we are here for him but it’s absolutely baffling. How do these situations happen . Aside from always making sure he knows we are here for him and trying (it’s hard) to maintain contact what do you do ? It’s just a really bad gut feeling about her as well as the way she behaves.

AIBU to be concerned

And how are they tolerating that?

Domestic abuse can happen to.men as well.andif that's going in ppl shouldn't just turn a blind eye to it.

I have to say I agree with this - it’s the glue that usually overrides everything else unfortunately.

I also remember a man saying to me years ago that every man loves a crazy woman, usually because the sex is so hot.

Apologies if this is giving you unwelcome images of your DB!

They just seem to laugh it off. They really don’t see themselves as anything but perfect

The Anne Boleyn phenomenon.

What's with all this worry this worry that? Stop it 🤦‍♀️

You don't come across as worried at all. Despite repeatedly saying it. From what you've said she's kind to your brother and their children and despite you getting him to one side he has repeatedly told you he's fine..... you keep insinuating he's in a potentially abusive relationship without any cause? You've not said she's financially abusive, physically or emotionally abusive to your dB or their children. You've said she's calm with them all

You don't have to like her. But you need to stop this it's really weird. He's a big boy, if he's happy then stop questioning him

She sounds potentially neurodivergent and sounds like she has rigid thinking and struggles in social situations because of anxiety.... probably made worse because she'll be able to feel how you feel about her even if you don't say it

Your creating problems out of nowhere. Stop it

She sounds potentially neurodivergent
I wondered about this too @Orrrrricantcopewithstress

The tea thing really highlights it for me

I could well be wrong but I suspect she feels really anxious around OP and their family and that anxiety comes across as rude evt. The sugars in the tea, if she is neurodivergent that will of been because she was in a hostile environment with OP and their family, feeling out of control and anxious and the sugars in the tea is just somthing her brain could feel in control of

Could be wrong, just my take on it

OP is gonna come and say she's not hostile but she absolutely is. The SIL will be able to feel how much she dislikes her

She seems very blunt, likes to debate, and quite anxious with your family (which can bring out the worst in people). She's bad at receiving presents (which people who grew up in difficult families can be). Other than the tea incident, though, you've not given a lot that's concrete? I can see that there's a mismatch between you and her, but I'm not seeing anything that makes her a bad person - just a bit spicy.

You mentioned that you think she's highly anxious, but it sounds like you are all talking about her behind her back and to him, which is only going to worsen that. Perhaps supporting your brother means supporting their relationship here. It can be hard to be an in law, especially when the family culture is different to what you grew up with.

This is what we have done though as Ive already said and DB acts like he’s just not there! She often will just come out with really controversial or hurtful things or something that will offend at least one person in the room personally. We do often say and she doesn’t often say anything back but will then keep doing the same thing in another way / different topic

Yes she does come across as anxious often more in an anxious way with the situation/ physical things if that makes sense eg she will say she can’t possibly eat meat unless she has seen the thermometer and knows she won’t get ill or on occasions overly anxious if the dc play in the garden wanting to check the gate is locked things like that

Oh no absolutely not I can’t deny that I have become hostile - I wasn’t for a while but i definitely am now and yes she may very well pick up on that.

What controversy has she brought in the past?

I think my worry stems from the concern that she might suddenly change to being like this with DB? I know she definitely isn’t financially abusive or anything like that she is incredibly controlling though in other ways but is totally open about that often saying things that we are all shocked at but she then looks at us like we are mad. Recently there was a wedding and she was quite open they weren’t going, she didn’t want to go and therefore DB wasn’t going because she said so and that was that said openly in front of everyone. She will tell us that she chooses their holiday every year, that she chose the car that she chose anything and everything it’s just very dominant behaviour and yes it may well be they are fine and will continue to be fine I’ve just never met anyone like this in my life.

Gosh, there are a lot of people here who are either married to domineering, demanding people and are happy about it, or who admit to being like that themselves. Astonishing. 😲

I mean, good for them, if the partnership works, but I could never be married to such a person. I look at how romantic prospects treat others, and for me, I don't approve of others throwing their weight around and being difficult. And one day you might be on the receiving end. 🙈

Anyway, two of my immediate family members are very controlling and domineering, whereas I am ultra-independent and do not appreciate being told what to do, so controlling and difficult people are pretty much a no-go area for me!

Me three.

I think you need to cut her some slack.
She sounds neurospicy to me and she'll be able to feel the off energy whenever she's around you and the others in your family.
If you look up autism traits you might find her in there and it might help the whole situation.
Have you asked your brother if she's neurodivergent?

She will very often bring up things about the past that were difficult for people who are actually there and offer her opinion about the situation. Eg one year over lunch we were talking about films and she changed the subject to divorce and proceeded to give her opinions on what had ruined someone’s marriage which ended up in tears from them and her shrugging and being genuinely shocked they hadn’t wanted her advice so that they knew for in future what to not do. Often a lot of political subjects too it can be really awkward if anyone says we are keeping the conversation light not political she will just get worse

No I haven’t asked him. I don’t know a great deal about it but I’ll look it up as it’s a possibility from what some people have said I hadn’t considered it

Ha, sadly I'm related to quite a few people like that, in fact I seem to be bloody surrounded by them, between my own family, my in-laws, and one or two hangers-on.

Yes, if their relationship goes south, she could well be awful to DB, too. This happened to a friend of mine. She said her ex-H was often angry towards others but never to her, and when their marriage broke down, it was epic.

There's nothing you can do, though. But I have a big problem with domineering, controlling people, so I'm happy to bitch about them with you, if you want! 🤣 It's like, who made you the fucking boss? I'll submit to you when you can show me a certificate that says you're better than me and therefore qualified to boss me around. And the hilarious thing is, if we were to do the certificate thing, my academic qualifications always outstrip the puffed-up, self-important, misguided little souls, so if anyone should be doing the bossing, it's me! 🤣 Except I have no interest in bossing anyone around, I think it sounds boring. Control freaks thrive on it though.

Really? Because you have said Oh no absolutely not I can’t deny that I have become hostile - I wasn’t for a while but i definitely am now and yes she may very well pick up on that

Your so worried that this woman might start to abuse your brother in private that you have OPENLY started being hostile towards her

How dangerous of you. Coz if she was abusive, it would be your brother getting it in the neck when he got home

She isn't abusive but i suspect you are and I suspect your really controlling too and your annoyed you can't control your brothers life so your making up problems

You have described my DH and I. He chose me because I keep him on his toes, I always push him to do better, I encourage him to stand up for himself.

He is also a bit of a twat but nobody ever sees that side to him so I am usually vilified.

OK, so basically she's unpleasant enough to enjoy upsetting people and ruining the atmosphere. She sounds AWFUL. It might be nicer for you if he and her don't attend all family functions, honestly, and for you to catch up with your DB at times when she can't ruin Christmas etc. I'm surprised they attend. I've found that people like them often can't be arsed with their SO's family.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I think that it's a strong possibility she has a personality disorder, or is in some way neurodivergent. That kind of consistently domineering, combative behaviour isn't normal..If you were to push it, Im pretty sure you'd find she ends up having a tantrum.