Puzzled how lovely DB ended up with awful wife

[howdoesthishappen]

AIBU to (alongside other family members) be completely puzzled and confused as to how my DB has ended up with SIL. He is calm , kind, hard working and she is the most confrontational, antagonistic, highly strung, controlling and controversial person we’ve ever met.

He is a good judge of character with everyone else, always kept himself out of any trouble or conflict yet seems completely happy with her ? It’s like he doesn’t see or hear the things she does and says. Totally under her spell?

Many times we’ve asked him is he ok ? Is everything ok? He knows we are here for him but it’s absolutely baffling. How do these situations happen . Aside from always making sure he knows we are here for him and trying (it’s hard) to maintain contact what do you do ? It’s just a really bad gut feeling about her as well as the way she behaves.

AIBU to be concerned

The nice partner is aware. They just don't care. They are in love with their partner and don't want to leave them.

Shes not wrong though.

She has a nice quiet husband, delightful children but she is a bit mad apparently when she socialises. May be she does not like socialising with the extended family and her little family is her safe space but the crowds make her insecure

also what his sister describes as atmospheres and antagonisms, might be actually spicing up the husband's life and giving him topics to ponder and actually he likes some action and excitement from the high maintenance woman

Having a sibling with a toxic partner can be really difficult. I think sometimes people are drawn to toxic people because it meets some need within them, or they convince themselves that they have some hidden goodness only they can see. It’s very strange and frustrating. The best you can do is protect your own peace and minimise contact with her or her drama

You have no idea that her brother is in a toxic relationship, just because the OP doesn't like her SIL, doesn't mean she is toxic or a bad person.

I’m afraid I question your assessment of your brother as a lovely person, @howdoesthishappen .

Seems to be he can’t be THAT much of a paragon of virtue if she is openly foul to his family and friends and he just sits there with his hands over his ears singing 🎵 La La La, but she’s nice to me 🎵

Does your brother know you’re posting negatively about his wife, the mother of his children, for the whole world to see on a public forum? You might not like her because of how she reacted over how much sugar was in a cup of tea, but at least she’s not bitching to the whole world about you.

If you love your brother, don’t gossip about him like this. It’s not classy.

There are many stories like that in mn and nobody knows how factual the descriptions of these people are. Apparently the demanding woman created polite good behaved kids. I wonder is it just her strong character with appropriate demands which exactly modelled the good kids BUT that is disliked by the in laws, because her husband he has been his parents walking mat all his life, poor boy

He may have to learn the hard way like my brother did .
She was his first serious GF . She always spoke down to him - my mum challenged her once as she couldn’t just stand by .
She (SIL) snubbed my mum after that
They married and had 2 kids together . She cheated on him - bro made her choose and try to work through it .
She now has a baby with new guy .
My bro now has a lovely new GF and in a healthy relationship - he now sees how horrid she was .
As you say just keep the communication open and offer hi a sanctuary if he needs it

Not saying it’s true. But she could be ‘high strung’ because your brother is a useless lump who does fuck all but acts like the best person infront of others. We all know a man like that, it’s not out of the realm of possibility

I think sometimes people who are very laid back to the point of being almost too much of a doormat find comfort in people who are very confrontational and direct because it means they can hide behind them to an extent.

Not to the degree you describe (I hope!), but Dh is very chill, easy going, conflict avoidant to the degree that he really struggles to make decisions and deal with any situations that involve being direct with anyone. I think it’s one of the reasons he married me. 😂 I’m very direct, tell it like it is, not afraid of a fight. I often have to handle things he’s too afraid to!

I have a family member though who is lovely but married to a quite unpleasant woman who no one likes. His friends actually confronted him on his stag do and said, you know how we all feel about her, you don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to, we’ll help you call it all off. His response was that he understood how everyone felt about her, but he was afraid that life would be boring with someone less fiery and he didn’t want a boring life. So he was willing to put up with all the negatives knowing he’d never be bored. 🤷🏻‍♀️ To each their own, I suppose.

My brother has also ended up with an absolute asshole. But sil got her power from money (rich parents). Then her dad changed the will and left everything to her stepmum and half-sister & my brother got a really high paying job so she has recently become less mentally unhinged.

But surely if this woman has a go or is obnoxious, you call her out and tell her to get to fuck? If you’re all silent in the face of shit behaviour, then you’ve only yourselves to blame when said behaviour continues.

Things are rarely that black n white

This is all a bit weird. From her perspective you might say: My partner's family clearly don't like me and write threads about me online asking why he's with me.

For what it's worth I was once with a man whose family would have likely said their son/brother was great. Actually, what they didn't realise was behind closed doors he was terrible - he just put on an excellent public face.

For all my flaws, and I have many, he was worse.

I'm not saying that about your brother, by any means, but I'm also saying... you don't know.

Perhaps it’s you that thinks that and the others just agree with you because you are confrontational 🤷‍♀️

My grandmother’s beloved brother was in a marriage like this. He was steady, stoical, a high earner. He married much less educated, neurotic woman who complained about everything, was confrontational with his family, and made her sons life a misery until he left home ( I’m close to him and so have the inside track on what she was like behind closed doors). Seems on Mumsnet you cannot say that a woman in a relationship with a man could be toxic. Only when a man you are close to ( a brother or son) is in such a relationship can it become apparent that it’s not just men who can be abusive. I don’t know what the answer is OP. Probably to maintain the relationship with your DB and put up with his wife.

It's funny as we age, we see things differently! It's great how you care bout your child's mental/emotional health - I wouldn't except it then - n though I find it hard to expect - would like the concern now, but fear it's tooooooo ooh late - pushed everyone away 😔

Agree with this.
It’s also a trait within narcissism, to be selectively lovely to people they need to keep close.

Similar situation with my parents. My mother (a raging narc) is so awful, I had to go NC. And due to my father's unwavering loyalty to her, I had to go NC with him, too. All their children did.

Have baffled over why my father stays with her as she treats him terribly too--in fact, for as long as I could remember, even as a young child, I felt bad for my father, and I only tolerated a relationship with my mother in adulthood to try to make my father's life easier. On his own, he is sweet and hard working, generous and warm-hearted. She is a controlling, cruel, uptight nightmare. I could go on for hours, but after years of reflection and therapy, I still don't understand. I think a lot of it is based on physical attraction, as everyone agrees, his needs (whatever they are) must be being met, right? My mother is physically attractive but the ugliest person you'll ever meet on the inside. And then, the other is that I think women like this end up with men that will tolerate it. I also think that then the men get so worn down and belittled by women like that that eventually their self-esteem erodes to nothing, they lose everything but their wife, and they are stuck keeping quiet and letting her continue on for any chance of a peaceful life. My father will also defend my mother to no end, either outwardly or, mostly, through complete denial. Denial, I have realized, is the only way he can justify staying in such a miserable marriage.

Doesn't surprise me at all the children have turned out well. In fact, it fits the profile. There will be hell to pay for them if they don't tow the line! I speak as a child of a dynamic like this.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do. He has made his choice and it is her.

Just from another view point.
I might come off a rude to my husband’s family sometimes. But that because they treat him appallingly. It’s all dressed up with smiles, we didn’t mean it that way and oh we forgot (to invite him to yet another family get together he’s been missed off). Always too busy to come to anything he invites them to, It’s all so fake.
As years have gone by I’ve grown at lot less tolerant to their behaviour towards him and have started to put them in their place.

We have one of these in our family - literally could have written this myself. It’s not an “in-law” issue either, this woman can’t keep a friend to save her life. Weirdly she does seek to be a good partner and mother but she’s a terrible person to everyone else, and if you confront her she lies like a rug about things she’s done. I don’t know what the answer is, but I think he’s with her because she’s nice to him and (mainly because she’s) physically attractive.

Has your DB been bad mouthing ye to her behind your back, is it just his family that you have seen her behave like this to, It sounds like she is almost attacking ye on his behalf or defending / sticking up for him

That was certainly the case with my grandmother’s sister in law. Very good looking woman but neurotic and controlling as hell.