Puzzled how lovely DB ended up with awful wife

[howdoesthishappen]

AIBU to (alongside other family members) be completely puzzled and confused as to how my DB has ended up with SIL. He is calm , kind, hard working and she is the most confrontational, antagonistic, highly strung, controlling and controversial person we’ve ever met.

He is a good judge of character with everyone else, always kept himself out of any trouble or conflict yet seems completely happy with her ? It’s like he doesn’t see or hear the things she does and says. Totally under her spell?

Many times we’ve asked him is he ok ? Is everything ok? He knows we are here for him but it’s absolutely baffling. How do these situations happen . Aside from always making sure he knows we are here for him and trying (it’s hard) to maintain contact what do you do ? It’s just a really bad gut feeling about her as well as the way she behaves.

AIBU to be concerned

I feel for you all.Do they have DC yet? That may help smooth the waters! She sounds rude and unpleasant esp to your poor DM .Its difficult as she may feel your animosity of course and be picking up on it. At Christmas do they ever go to her parents.Maybe you could alternate years just for Boxing Day maybe ?

So basically a narcissist?

Maybe he is too quieter/accepting and so he finds her forcefulness and fierceness a solace.

Is he by any chance too passive and using her as his alter ego, forcing her to be this way by default? ( This is only a suggestion based on some personal experience of dynamics between couples.)

I think it’s pretty common. You often see a difficult, antagonistic person with a decent, pleasant person. It was flabbergasting the first time I saw it, but I e seen it so many times now. These mean and difficult people aren’t going to marry eachother as it wouldn’t work.

Oh and out of dh and his two siblings, we are the only ones in a solid relationship!

Yes they have 3 dc. Every other year we’ve always had Xmas with everyone and that’s due again this year. Presents can be quite awkward as she will say if she doesn’t like something quite bluntly ! Equally expresses if she loves something but will say it to DB, so if she opens a gift for example from me and doesn’t like it she will say ‘this won’t suit me I cant lie. You’ll have to return it’ or as happened last time we had a family Xmas she loved what I got her and turned to DB and just said ‘this is lovely isn’t it!’ But didn’t even look at me. Other times it’s just full on blatant rudeness and criticism but as I said I do see a vulnerability there. I also just worry for DB as she seems to have a fiery temper

A passive, but secretly aggressive partner though, ( I not saying OP’s DB as how could I know), often helps create harridans out of their spouse.

Maybe its just you and your mum she doesn't like OP?

ASD? Only at ease with your DB?

I know someone the same, rude and awful but for the sake of family relationships I just keep it to myself and keep my distance but it pains me, a lot. I would have told her to make her own damned coffee though. No way I'd put up with that.

Passive men are attracted to confrontational women, they like others to make the decisions in the relationship.

Unfortunately, this happens a lot. Some of the nicest people end up with awful people.

Two things in my opinion:

I suspect she's very physically attracted and he never thought a women who looks that good would give him the time of day (that's how she got him).

They have kids together and he doesn't want to be a part time parent and/or he believes that they will be treated worse when he's not there. (that's how she keeps him).

It's the same whether male/female is reversed or in same sex couples too.

This happened to my brother, his wife was exactly the same she also had a fierce temper with anyone she didn't agree with. She could start an argument in an empty house. They eventually split up but my brother was a shell of a man in the end and the kids had to have counselling as she was that awful to them. Now the kids don't want anything to do with her.

That is so interesting, thank you.

My DB hasn't spoken to me in 30 years! We were best friends, shared a friendship group etc. - until he met his wife.(Sil).

She has a very unconventional family (her DM is the long term mistress of her DF, a married man with children (maybe, there is no clarity about whether this man is her real dad either). None of us are supposed to know any of this.

Sil was all about her family, DB was soaked up by them. Slowly she cut him off from his friends and family. He didn't need them, he had hers.
With our family she was antagonistic and precious. Her way or nothing. Her family came first.
Until more recently, where she has fallen out with her family too.

She was competitive (especially with me). He says ‘I got it all’ from our parents. Many, many examples of where this isn't true but I get that that’s how he feels, and the reality isn't so important.

I'm university educated, professional career. Him, not so. He hates that.

My DM prefers him, panders to him and says my DF definitely got what he wanted when my DB arrived (I was first born).

Over the years, DB has changed from a funny, light-hearted, caring young man, to an absolute, bitter misery. He looks so sad. No friends, no hobbies. Distant with our parents.

At my DF’s funeral he showed how much he hates me (to the point where he can't even look at me across a table) and was obnoxiously rude with other family members.
She was much more welcoming and chatty!

YANBU op - I feel exactly the same way about my BIL. He was always a kind, considerate and generous person. She is selfish, cruel, rude and misanthropic and she has diminished him. Very sad.

If I’m being really honest one of my brothers is a pretty aggressive bully and his wife is very kind and sweet.

Personally I don’t get the attraction but I think it is more obvious in my brother’s case where it is more gendered that she is kind and sweet and he is the more aggressive one. I think she is attracted to strengths she does not have in any way herself that ultimately dealing with the vast swathes of variety of people in the world that you will meet in life that a person needs.

You can’t usually outsweet an aggressive person for example. You need to develop other traits and skills to interact with them. My sister in law has precisely zero of these traits/skills so she gets to continue to be her sweet self in every situation and in challenging situations let my Rottweiler brother handle any of the difficult stuff that arises on her behalf.

Neither of them develop and grow well in those dynamics though.

So she is beautiful then?

I wonder then has DB not had previous issues with horrible people?

Generally, teenagers and young people tend to value looks and beauty as they have had very little real world experience. As people grow older and encounter bullies and horrible people, our perspectives shift and our values change.

I am one such person who has dealt with the most disgusting and horrible people imaginable, which means that if I was to choose a partner now, I would place more value on their character, personality, and attitude above all else. The most important thing would be that I would not in a relationship with someone who is horrible and only upsets me and other people.

Has DB not had previous experiences with horrible and rude people? If not, that could explain why he only choose a woman based on beauty and little else.

I can imagine my SiL has said similar about me.
From your posts we are definitely not talking about each other. However around my in-laws I am the vocal person. He has never stood up to his family, just been there for whenever they want or need him. They see him a quiet and gentle but it’s actually him being downtrodden in their family (SiL was favourite child).

Their values, politics and life paths are very different. They have gone down the path of Brexit and Farage-worship to help give them an easy (but inaccurate) excuse for why they’re so anxious. He would never discuss politics with them to keep the peace (he’s actually more left-wing than me), I do engage in discussions. He ignores issues and avoids all confrontation, but is grateful I show DC how to stand up for what’s right and name the elephant in the room. At least our DC will grow up knowing how to have a respectful discussion and stand up for their values. The in-laws fund this very challenging.

Does any of this seem similar to your situation?

Might be something like she loves him?

DP's my safe place. I might be a total dickhead where other people are concerned, but he's funny, smart, sweet, good and kind and whilst outside is filled with arseholes, idiots and bullies (including until I went NC, the people I shared some DNA with), the only twat at home is the cat.

He makes her happy, he dosent have to please you.
Wonder what she thinks of you.

I don't know. You can be a thoroughly awful person without being a narc.

Mind your own business.

Alternative perspective:

who he is with his family isn’t necessarily who he is an adult.

many people when around their birth families revert back to how they used to be.

my ExH was like this. As an adult he was very ambitious, driven, and direct.

with his family he never made a decision and never challenged anything his parents did.

i got very anxious around his parents as they had trouble understanding the concept of food allergies and often made things with dairy in that I wasn’t supposed to eat and made me ill.

i had to address it with them as he absolutely refused to ever raise it with them. He would never, ever do anything that challenged them in any way.

as a result they saw me as an anxious trouble maker.

when we got divorced he simply stopped seeing them. He wasn’t able to have a conversation with them about his needs at any level so he just stopped seeing them.

he has a new wife now and two new children. I believe he still doesn’t see them.

Is she extremely pretty / sexy?

Sounds like my mum and dad. My mum was very pretty, fairly low intelligence, mentally ill, a jekyll and Hyde personality. My dad is lovely but was very naive. As an only child who'd always gone to boys' schools he wasn't very discerning about women. He did come to realise she bullied him and me, but even when she started sleeping with other men he couldn't be bothered to leave her.