To feel sad some women are forced to go back to work

[JTT95]

I think it is messed up that these days a lot of women have to go back to work after maternity leave whether they like it or not. It seems like everyone is sending their babies to nursery at 1 or even earlier. I know that some women want to and are happy to go back but there are many women who are heartbroken to leave their babies so young. I wish it was like the olden days where a man’s wage was enough to suport the whole family.

Some of the "my way or the highway" people on here just sound like they're desperate to convince themselves.

As if anyone would put their kids in a nursery all day if they didn't want to and didn't have to.

I didn’t need to work but wanted to continue with my career so DT’s went to nursery five days a week.

I get the same impression! Some posters seem desperate to convince themselves and make themselves feel better about leaving their young children in nursery.

Me too.

Of course some women want to continue with their careers. It's absolutely a choice for some people.

I love my career and having DC wasn't going to change that.

How could I continue my career without using a nursery?

@Parker and @SouthLondonMum22 - fine, do what you want. Why the need to keep repeating the same thing, again and again and again? Who are you trying to convince here?

How else are parents supposed to work without childcare?
We could have lived off one income but our lives would have looked very different. Not to mention we’d both invested a significant amount of time and money on developing our careers and love our jobs.

I’m not desperate to convince anyone, nor do I think everyone should live my way BUT I do think children benefit from seeing two parents equally involved in childcare. That’s my opinion.
We chose to use nursery, it was fabulous and there are no regrets. At age 11 DS still talks about it fondly and we see the staff who cared for him regularly.
I do it again in a heartbeat.

Responding to your comment is how it works. Of course some people who choose to use nursery were going to respond to your comment. What did you expect?

You can say you used nursery - or not - and give your personal anecdote. But, beyond that, what you do in your family is utterly meaningless to anyone else. My point is, you can't prescribe what other families "shouid" do based on your preferences. So your kids are in nursery. What are you looking for people to say? Well done?

As I said, if women feel strongly they want to SAH, and they can afford it, then they will. That's it. Nothing anybody else does or says will make any difference. If people don't want to SAH, for whatever reasons - or they can't - then they won't.

Can’t say I ascribe my life choices to a 00’s song lyric, one by a self made multi millionaire herself!

This may be true at the individual level but it is still allowable to comment on societal level trends and pass judgment on them. I think breastfeeding rates should be higher in this country and I think there are several structural reasons they aren't, but I don't bring it up when I see a mum friend start preparing formula in front of me on our cafe date.

I've never suggested otherwise. Of course people will ultimately do what they want or can afford on an individual level.

But we do live in a society and choices do impact societal norms. I don't agree with the fact that mothers are seen as the default parent or that working mothers often face double standards and challenges that working fathers don't and I will continue to speak out about that.

Well speak out, but ultimately no woman is going to force herself to be miserable, is she - and society is not abstract, it's composed of actual living individuals. If you want individual women (and men) to have freedom of choice in a society, then you have to accept that people will make choices you don't necessarily like or relate to. All those decisions will determine the direction societies will take. Family life, relationship roles or work / life balance should never be a diktat. Imagine if everyone in a society was forced by law to put their kids in nurseries at 3 months or a given time, then just work 9-5 and that's it, whether they wanted to or not. What kind of a boring, crippling existence that would be. Far better to let families work out their own way, whatever that looks like. Let each woman be her own judge if what she 'should' do. Then society will evolve in a way that reflects the reality that all women are individuals and there is no such thing as one size fits all. Never was, never will be. It's 2025. Women can make their own rules.

Of course not, just like I'd never force myself to be miserable as a SAHM. I've never said otherwise.

I'm not certain that we do have complete freedom of choice due to societal influences that are there from birth. I'd love it to be an actual complete freedom of choice and for both men and women, not a choice only a woman is expected to make whilst men don't change anything about their lives when they become a parent.

Maybe some couples prefer to take different roles when children come along? It doesn't need to mean 'inequality'.' If equality can only mean everything has to be 50/50, that's a very shallow interpretation of equality, surely? Equality is about giving your partner the freedom to be who they are. Strength in difference. The need to take identical roles could prove very unnatural, frustrating and counter-productive for many couples - in which case, it's just restriction in another guise.

My grandma (born in 1918) took 2 weeks off work when she had my dad and 6 weeks off when she had my aunt. My mum gave up her job when I was born in 1974 and always said it was one of her regrets since she never managed to get another permanent role. I took 6 months off for each of my DC. I suspect we could have lived off DH’s salary just would have been a less comfortable life.

Sounds like your Grandma definately didn't get long enough maternity, and your Mum felt she had too much in comparison. It is sad your Mum has that regret, but hopefully she can hold on to those lovely memories and precious time of you and sibling/s(?) growing up.

Nurseries are not torture chambers you know . I've had 2 in nursery and one with a childminder. No difference in outcome as adults. Dd rarely used outside childcare when eldest was born as worked opposite shifts to her husband. 2nd baby is in nursery ( her choice )although they could do the same shift swap again.