To feel sad some women are forced to go back to work

[JTT95]

I think it is messed up that these days a lot of women have to go back to work after maternity leave whether they like it or not. It seems like everyone is sending their babies to nursery at 1 or even earlier. I know that some women want to and are happy to go back but there are many women who are heartbroken to leave their babies so young. I wish it was like the olden days where a man’s wage was enough to suport the whole family.

I think if you work fewer hours, it is reasonable to expect that you’ll not get the promotional opportunities of others working in a full-time capacity.

As for men getting these opportunities, i
will admit it comes from my own personal biases. I lived abroad in a country with a lot of trailing spouses, and I noticed a huge sex difference in how their time was spent.

Women generally plowed a lot of their time back into the family. The men? Every. Single. Time. they worked on their personal hobbies or on personal development. Their WORKING WIVES still largely dealt with the children’s schedule. Frankly it made me sick.

I can’t let go of this impression so easily.

How will things ever change though if it is only women who get the opportunity for flexible working and the such like? It just reaffirms that childcare = woman's responsibility and that's what we have to move away from.

I had my 3rd child on a friday night and I was back at my desk monday morning because i didn't qualify for maternity pay. I would have loved a couple of months off.

It’s just my personal impression. Men used their free time for themselves, women used it for their families.

I know that there are good men that balance family and work responsibilities well. I just think women generally demonstrate more of a commitment to their children.

Seeing what I have seen from ‘stay at home’ dads was enraging frankly. All those stereotypes of sitting home and watching tv or whatever else they thought we were doing?

Projection. Because that’s what they would do.

I wouldn’t have had DC’s with DH if he hadn’t taken a joint and equal responsibility for home and family. He is as capable as I am at organising DC’s dental appointments, realising that he needs to take them for new shoes or that a party invitation will need a present and card.

We have supported each other in our careers - I’ve worked abroad regularly, he has incredibly long hours - we balance it between us. We discussed before DC’s were born that I would be returning to work full time after six months maternity leave (normal at that time).

YANBU, it’s sad when a parent wants to be with their young children and can’t afford it. It’s a two-part problem: financial and cultural. Life is unaffordable for many at the moment, particularly young people. Buying a house or even just securing a job are increasingly out of reach and this probably won’t improve with the advent of AI. The second issue is that it’s almost taboo to want to stay at home with your children (in my experience).

I am a SAHM to my young daughter now and intend to be for quite a while. It wasn’t by accident, I wasn’t just lucky, I don’t have a husband that earns a lot. We planned for me to be home and made decisions so that it was possible. It involves some risk and sacrifice obviously, but I’m doing it because I believe it’s best for my child and the family as a whole. The biggest hurdle I had to jump to get to this life was the psychological block of ‘I am not a worthy person unless I earn money’.

It was a significant hurdle for me because I was seen as accomplished when I was younger and was pressured to do something important, make money, be useful. I had to be absolutely solid in my resolve to stay at home or I never would have been able to handle the social backlash. I think most women don’t want to put up with the rejection that comes with staying at home.

I have my mother (who stayed at home) telling me that my 9-month-old baby would probably love daycare because she’s so energetic and curious. A woman at a party asked what I did for work and when I told her, she giggled and called me a kept woman. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be unkind, but it felt derogatory. I haven’t heard anyone say you are doing a good job and your baby is lucky to have you apart from maybe my husband. Perhaps it’s just my little social bubble that is like this, but I don’t feel supported in my decisions at all and I suspect there are many others like me.

Why do you need affirmation from others?

You know you made the right decision for your family - that’s what matters!

Surely the value to you of spending that time with your daughter is worth more than any salary you might earn from offering your labour to a company.

Women get criticised every which way - there is no shortage of vilification for women who choose to go back to work as unmaternal, unnatural, overly ambitious and heartlessly consigning their tiny babies to the horrors of childcare (eg a loving grandparent, childminder, nanny or God forbid a nursery run by competent, caring professionals with the best interests of children at the forefront). Which isn't to minimise the scorn heaped on women who stay at home, by the way. It's almost as though women can never win whatever they do!

Many working mothers feel the same. As pp said, women can't win.

I've been called selfish, materialistic and asked why I even bothered having DC in the first place if someone else is going to raise them.

There’s no need to feel that, as a woman, you can’t win, if you make a decision that works for you.

Why are some of you so affected by others’ judgements? If you make an informed decision, with your partner, about going to work or spending a few years at home while the children are young, then that’s all that matters. You will know that it’s the right decision!!

I feel on a personal level that I 'won'. I made the right decision and have never regretted it.

But in societal terms, whichever option a woman picks will be criticised.

True, but people pass judgement for all sorts of reasons (including jealousy). We should all grow a thicker skin and feel happy with our choices!

I know that having a career is the right decision for me but I still think it's important to point out and stand against judgements that are usually made against women but not men, it's a double standard and it shouldn't be let go.

It will never change if it's accepted and people stay quiet. It has nothing to do with how I feel about my choices and everything to do with the fact that women are criticised no matter what they do. Why should women just stay quiet and accept it?

That’s fair enough I just get sick of people saying otherwise especially as it’s a majority view on here.

It’s less usual though.

It’s crazy isnt it. It’s ok to have a gap year, travel for years between jobs or take some time out for health and volunteer. But you’re not allowed to look after your own kids all day without disrespect.

Is it?

Not in my experience.

I've had loads of comments like that.

Of course you're 'allowed'! Thousands of women do just this all the time. Far more than take time off work to 'travel for years'. And who cares if random people 'disrespect' you or not? The victim mentality is getting tiresome.

Who is criticising you? Most people would think that raising children is the most important job there is, and very few people, at the end of their lives, will regret not having spent more time in the office/at work. Be happy with your decision, especially if you’re lucky enough to be able to afford it!
I honestly don’t understand this victim mentality either…!

See, I think that’s ridiculous. Sure, if you hate your job, or find it meaningless, but if your work is meaningful and important, of course you’ll regret on your deathbed not having done more of it. Mine is absolutely as meaningful to me as raising my child.

I don’t get this caring what others think - am so glad I avoided baby groups and the school gates. I financially didn’t need to return to work but chose to have a very busy full time career because I spent years getting qualified and enjoyed my job and the benefits it brought me.
Do you ask new fathers about working after having children?

But the people at baby groups are just as likely to be women on maternity leave, and school gate parents are just as likely to be on their way to or from work.

Yes it would have been a nightmare for me if I'd had to work with two ND children.

My DS's are only 20 and 22 and it was pretty normal to be a SAHM then. Although I was in Cambridge so that probably made a difference. In the early days you could say I was middle class (kind of) and supported by exH but most of the time I was a single parent on tax credits. I keep trying to make people aware of how rubbish things are now tax credits don't exist but a lot of people on here seem to positively embrace their difficult lives and want every other mother to have an equally difficult life. I know there's nothing anyone can do but I think a lot of mothers now don't even realise how much easier it was just fifteen years ago.

Of course I do now have financial insecurity but I'd never actually have managed to work so that's irrelevant in my case.

It’s constant passive aggressive and offensive comments about how I must not be smart, must want to live off my husband, how husband wont respect me/will leave me, how ‘worrying’ it is to rely on someone else. It’s really offensive.

Why spend your time with such 'offensive' people?