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Original poster

To feel sad some women are forced to go back to work

643 replies

JTT95 · 14/09/2025 10:21

I think it is messed up that these days a lot of women have to go back to work after maternity leave whether they like it or not. It seems like everyone is sending their babies to nursery at 1 or even earlier. I know that some women want to and are happy to go back but there are many women who are heartbroken to leave their babies so young. I wish it was like the olden days where a man’s wage was enough to suport the whole family.

OP posts:
MellowPinkDeer · 14/09/2025 22:44

WickWood · 14/09/2025 21:26

Those who talk about financial independence/dependence, do you not have joint accounts and/or equal access to all household money? I'm genuinely asking, not being arsey. We share all money, maybe thats why I've felt more comfortable being a SAHM! It was very much a joint decision for us and he appreciates everything I do and vice versa.

If for any reason you split up though, you’d no longer have a joint account. What then? You’d have no income of your own? Is he paying into a pension for you?

Original poster
JTT95 · 14/09/2025 23:30

I have 3 under 5 and although I’m not employed, I definitely work very hard every day 😅

OP posts:
WickWood · 15/09/2025 08:37

MellowPinkDeer · 14/09/2025 22:44

If for any reason you split up though, you’d no longer have a joint account. What then? You’d have no income of your own? Is he paying into a pension for you?

Show quote history

Yes, I have a 10 year NHS pension (which i know won't be much) and a private pension. I think i just see the privilege (imo, we're all different and I know some wouldn't be fulfilled being a SAHM) worth it, I haven't once panicked about what id do, maybe I'm stupid, who knows!

I do think the poster who says its bad for my babies development for me to not be working bonkers though 😅 Unless theyre so thick they think SAHM literally means we stay at home all day!

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

Parker231 · 15/09/2025 10:54

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

Agree with this. I loved my working days and the opportunities it gave me (and our family). it has now meant that I was able to retire in my early 50’s to enjoy the next phase of life.

Original poster
JTT95 · 15/09/2025 13:38

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

I can acknowledge that there is nothing sad or heartbreaking about leaving your babies in childcare for you but you need to acknowledge that for some it is heartbreaking. Surely that’s not difficult to understand.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 15/09/2025 13:41

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

Well said.

Completely agree.

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 14:06

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2025 09:38

I firmly believe women should be able to make choices to suit their needs around maternity/work. There are good reasons both for working and remaining at home and ultimately each family should do what suits them best.

I guess what I bristle at is the use of the emotive language around the idea of a working mother. There's a slight tinge of condescension/pity that a woman should "have" to work, as if it is a sign that something has gone wrong. And the use of the phrase "heartbreaking" to describe the perfectly safe and routine process of using accredited childcare to enable a woman to work.

It implies that society is "failing" women which in itself implies that the natural and default state for a woman is to be at home. Some women would prefer to be at home and that's fine if they can afford it. But for women like me who work (and don't forget many of us have to work), like working and feel their children have overall benefited from them working, the slightly Victorian overlay of sadness is just irritating.

Women who remain at home quite rightly push back against some of the kneejerk comments made about SAHMs, implying that they "don't use their brains" and are "bored" etc. It's insulting and patronising.

But it works both ways. Many of us see a huge personal benefit to being able to work and think that overall it's a net benefit to society. While rightly asking us to be respectful of the choice to remain at home, please do us the favour of acknowledging that there's nothing "sad" or "heartbreaking" about working and that many of us choose it rather than having to do it.

I think you're missing the point or perhaps taking it too personally. The point is that 99% of women don't have the choice of whether to work or not. They HAVE to work because they can't afford not to due to house/rent prices and the massive cost of everything else. This is not the same as saying that there are no benefits to work and it's also not saying that women have to stay at home if they don't want to. It's just that for a decent proportion of women (and probably some men too) they would like to be able to spend a bit more time with their children through not working or working part time but that is financially impossible. And for those women it really is heartbreaking to have to pay another woman to look after your children when you woudl rather be the one doing it.

Bumblebee72 · 15/09/2025 14:10

I don't think you need to be sad we all make our own choices. Get a job you enjoy, or if you want to be a homemaker, marry someone wealthy enough to provide for you.

LuLuLemonDrizzleCake · 15/09/2025 14:36

Floraal · 14/09/2025 10:25

I agree I think it should be an equal, valid and valued choice to have a sahp in a family if that’s what works best in an individual’s circumstances. I also think if a woman wants a career that’s just as important but it should never be a choice someone has to make which then makes them unhappy or stressed.

With so many ND children now too with delaying diagnosis and support it’s often better for the child to have a sahp rather than go to nursery. It seems to be frowned upon though when actually it shouldn’t be.

What evidence do you have that having a SAHP leads to delayed diagnosis of ND or SEND?

Original poster
JTT95 · 15/09/2025 14:38

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 14:06

I think you're missing the point or perhaps taking it too personally. The point is that 99% of women don't have the choice of whether to work or not. They HAVE to work because they can't afford not to due to house/rent prices and the massive cost of everything else. This is not the same as saying that there are no benefits to work and it's also not saying that women have to stay at home if they don't want to. It's just that for a decent proportion of women (and probably some men too) they would like to be able to spend a bit more time with their children through not working or working part time but that is financially impossible. And for those women it really is heartbreaking to have to pay another woman to look after your children when you woudl rather be the one doing it.

Show quote history

Exactly. The other thing is, a lot of employers still reject flexible work requests. I would have been happy going back part time but it was either full time or nothing. Finding a brand new job part time is even more difficult. So more flexibility would also enable more choice for women. In Germany, parents (and possibly non parents too) have a legal right to reduce their hours.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 15/09/2025 14:48

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 14:06

I think you're missing the point or perhaps taking it too personally. The point is that 99% of women don't have the choice of whether to work or not. They HAVE to work because they can't afford not to due to house/rent prices and the massive cost of everything else. This is not the same as saying that there are no benefits to work and it's also not saying that women have to stay at home if they don't want to. It's just that for a decent proportion of women (and probably some men too) they would like to be able to spend a bit more time with their children through not working or working part time but that is financially impossible. And for those women it really is heartbreaking to have to pay another woman to look after your children when you woudl rather be the one doing it.

Show quote history

It’s no different for men - the majority have to work and like many women would prefer to be a SAHP.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/09/2025 14:54

Parker231 · 15/09/2025 14:48

It’s no different for men - the majority have to work and like many women would prefer to be a SAHP.

Show quote history

Right.

People need money to live and in order to live, you generally need to work. Men and women.

After maternity leave, I don't understand why it's only sad that women are ''forced'' to go back to work.

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:11

I've only ever met one man who genuinely wanted to be a SAHP. I actually don't know many women who want to be SAHM forever either. But I know an absolute shed load of women who would like to be able to stay at home a bit more or stay off for a bit longer than is enabled by modern life.

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

And agree with the PP about part time work. I would love to work part time. Unfortunately it feels pretty impossible in my profession. So I'll end up working more than I want because I can't afford not to work at all.

Original poster
JTT95 · 15/09/2025 15:18

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:11

I've only ever met one man who genuinely wanted to be a SAHP. I actually don't know many women who want to be SAHM forever either. But I know an absolute shed load of women who would like to be able to stay at home a bit more or stay off for a bit longer than is enabled by modern life.

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

And agree with the PP about part time work. I would love to work part time. Unfortunately it feels pretty impossible in my profession. So I'll end up working more than I want because I can't afford not to work at all.

Agree, I’ve spoken to a lot of women who would love the part time or a SAHM. I don’t know any men who would like the same although I have no doubt there are some. I just think it’s more common for a woman to want that.

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 15:22

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:11

I've only ever met one man who genuinely wanted to be a SAHP. I actually don't know many women who want to be SAHM forever either. But I know an absolute shed load of women who would like to be able to stay at home a bit more or stay off for a bit longer than is enabled by modern life.

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

And agree with the PP about part time work. I would love to work part time. Unfortunately it feels pretty impossible in my profession. So I'll end up working more than I want because I can't afford not to work at all.

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

I don't think you're 'expected' to do anything. You can stay off work for as long as you like, but obviously there will be consequences in terms of salary and career prospects.

And women reproduce because they want to, not because of 'societal expectations'. It's up to them to finance those choices.

Parker231 · 15/09/2025 15:23

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 15:18

Agree, I’ve spoken to a lot of women who would love the part time or a SAHM. I don’t know any men who would like the same although I have no doubt there are some. I just think it’s more common for a woman to want that.

Show quote history

Society needs to change so that fathers have the opportunity to be more involved and responsible for their children.

ishimbob · 15/09/2025 15:35

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 15:18

Agree, I’ve spoken to a lot of women who would love the part time or a SAHM. I don’t know any men who would like the same although I have no doubt there are some. I just think it’s more common for a woman to want that.

Show quote history

Many people would like not to work.

I wouldn't want to give up work but I would love a full time nanny housekeeper and a chauffeur and a gardener. I don't think it's some enormous tragedy that I can't afford everything I would want

Original poster
JTT95 · 15/09/2025 15:42

ishimbob · 15/09/2025 15:35

Many people would like not to work.

I wouldn't want to give up work but I would love a full time nanny housekeeper and a chauffeur and a gardener. I don't think it's some enormous tragedy that I can't afford everything I would want

Show quote history

Wanting to be with your child for more than a couple of hours on weekdays and weekends is a bit different to not having a gardener.. unless not having a gardener and missing out on time spent with your child is the same to you.

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 15:44

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 15:42

Wanting to be with your child for more than a couple of hours on weekdays and weekends is a bit different to not having a gardener.. unless not having a gardener and missing out on time spent with your child is the same to you.

Show quote history

If it's that important to you then make the financial sacrifices and give up work.

You chose to reproduce. Nobody owes you the lifestyle you want.

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:45

IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 15:22

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

I don't think you're 'expected' to do anything. You can stay off work for as long as you like, but obviously there will be consequences in terms of salary and career prospects.

And women reproduce because they want to, not because of 'societal expectations'. It's up to them to finance those choices.

Show quote history

Gosh lucky you. Never having felt the force of a societal expectation. Never had to cope with ingrained sexism or misogyny. I'm genuinely amazed you've managed to escape that your entire life. But I'm pleased you have.

Most of us will have felt the pressure to have children. And I certainly have been amazed by the constant questions of "so when are you going back to work?" After each of my children.

Frankenpug23 · 15/09/2025 15:46

21 years ago my son went to nursery at 3m old - the nursery was full, many had waiting lists. I had to start maternity early so that was all I had. My Mum worked as my Dad was ill - she also liked and installed in us the need for financial freedom. So many women are left high and dry on here as SAHP because they have no money of their own - no pension or NI contributions.

I have worked bloody hard to be a good Mum whilst raising my DC - I am though very glad I wasn’t a SAHP, and I wasn’t forced back to work.

IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 15:47

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:45

Gosh lucky you. Never having felt the force of a societal expectation. Never had to cope with ingrained sexism or misogyny. I'm genuinely amazed you've managed to escape that your entire life. But I'm pleased you have.

Most of us will have felt the pressure to have children. And I certainly have been amazed by the constant questions of "so when are you going back to work?" After each of my children.

Show quote history

So you had children because of 'pressure'? It wasn't your active choice?

And asking a question does not amount to 'pressure'.

helpfulperson · 15/09/2025 15:49

Deepbluesea1 · 14/09/2025 10:28

newsflash. some women do not want a career or cannot have one for various reasons. some would prefer to be at home with the children. This option just doesn't exist anymore and many work just to pay for childcare.

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Even if you have say three children 2 years apart and stay at home with them until they are 18 that is only 24 years. Assuming an average working life of 50 years that still leaves half a working life. Staying at home with Children is not a complete working life.

NuovaPilbeam · 15/09/2025 15:55

You know lots of women enjoy their careers and the financial independence gained from working?

Also.... women have always worked, with the exception of a tiny proportion of aristocracy who had nannies & wet nurses anyway! The children of working class women have over the millennia been left with grandparents, aunties & neighbours, or minded by older children (eg 8 year olds minding babies and toddlers), because most societies need healthy women to work & be productive. Children were also left without childcare much younger, with 5 & 6 year olds walking themselves to school unaccompanied. In the past women often worked on farms, as bakers, brewers, seamstresses, in service, as washerwomen, running inns and boarding houses and working in family businesses. The 1950s idyll of the unencumbered house wife spending all day socialising and looking after little children was not reality for most or for long.