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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad some women are forced to go back to work

643 replies

JTT95 · 14/09/2025 10:21

I think it is messed up that these days a lot of women have to go back to work after maternity leave whether they like it or not. It seems like everyone is sending their babies to nursery at 1 or even earlier. I know that some women want to and are happy to go back but there are many women who are heartbroken to leave their babies so young. I wish it was like the olden days where a man’s wage was enough to suport the whole family.

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 15/09/2025 15:58

Here we go…. Romanticising the past when women had less rights… watch out for instagram and media posts galore heralding trad wife style… 🙄

IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 16:00

NuovaPilbeam · 15/09/2025 15:55

You know lots of women enjoy their careers and the financial independence gained from working?

Also.... women have always worked, with the exception of a tiny proportion of aristocracy who had nannies & wet nurses anyway! The children of working class women have over the millennia been left with grandparents, aunties & neighbours, or minded by older children (eg 8 year olds minding babies and toddlers), because most societies need healthy women to work & be productive. Children were also left without childcare much younger, with 5 & 6 year olds walking themselves to school unaccompanied. In the past women often worked on farms, as bakers, brewers, seamstresses, in service, as washerwomen, running inns and boarding houses and working in family businesses. The 1950s idyll of the unencumbered house wife spending all day socialising and looking after little children was not reality for most or for long.

Yes, and until quite recently the women who could afford not to work paid other women to take care of their children. They certainly weren't spending all day nurturing their children. Motherhood as a full time 'job' is a relatively modern phenomenon.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/09/2025 16:00

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:45

Gosh lucky you. Never having felt the force of a societal expectation. Never had to cope with ingrained sexism or misogyny. I'm genuinely amazed you've managed to escape that your entire life. But I'm pleased you have.

Most of us will have felt the pressure to have children. And I certainly have been amazed by the constant questions of "so when are you going back to work?" After each of my children.

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It was the opposite for me.

With my first, I was constantly asked IF I was going back to work and then when I had twins 16 months later, I was repeatedly told it wouldn't be ''worth it'' for me to work.

Not one comment towards my DH.

ishimbob · 15/09/2025 16:01

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 15:42

Wanting to be with your child for more than a couple of hours on weekdays and weekends is a bit different to not having a gardener.. unless not having a gardener and missing out on time spent with your child is the same to you.

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Well actually they are linked.

When I mow the lawn, that's quality time I am missing out on with my children

But it's a luxury - in the same way that not working is a luxury.

I'm sad when people don't have enough to eat or a roof over their heads. I'm not sad that adults have to work for a living or mow their own lawn

NuovaPilbeam · 15/09/2025 16:02

But I know an absolute shed load of women who would like to be able to stay at home a bit more or stay off for a bit longer than is enabled by modern life.

I do think this is true, and I do think it would be good if we could have a model that allowed for children to be primarily at home with their mother until more like age 2. However i think its complicated - if you have a 2 year maternity leave lots of people would get pregnant again and end up with 2 years back to back, and I can see that protecting someone's job if they aren't going to be in it for 4 years+ is complicated.

I'd love to see a system where parents could claim the government childcare money to care for their own child. But I can't see that happening because it wouldn't be economically productive - under the current model the money provides for a woman to return to work AND a job to be created for another person, who can be caring for 2 or 3 children not just 1.

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/09/2025 16:03

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 15:11

I've only ever met one man who genuinely wanted to be a SAHP. I actually don't know many women who want to be SAHM forever either. But I know an absolute shed load of women who would like to be able to stay at home a bit more or stay off for a bit longer than is enabled by modern life.

It's a weird world we live in. Women spend the first 30 years of their lives living under the societal expectation to reproduce. Then as soon as you have children you're expected to return to work as quickly as possible as though nothing has happened.

And agree with the PP about part time work. I would love to work part time. Unfortunately it feels pretty impossible in my profession. So I'll end up working more than I want because I can't afford not to work at all.

Men face societal pressures too, including that they are the ''providers''.

If societal pressures weren't so gender stereotypical then maybe we'd have more men who would want to be a SAHP or even work part time.

That won't happen as long as the question about flexible working, spending more time with DC etc is only ever aimed towards women.

Jamesblonde2 · 15/09/2025 16:04

Even though my DC will always be encouraged to have a successful and fulfilling career, I think it is very sad that parents have to/choose to place their babies/young children into child care to be brought up by strangers who don’t love them.

If we are looking at best interests of the child, I do not think it is in their best interests to be in nursery/child minder. Not many people wish to admit this.

SweetTalkinWookie · 15/09/2025 16:06

I'm sad that I have to go to work... but most of us need a way to fund our lifestyle.

recipientofraspberries · 15/09/2025 16:09

Oh I was with you until that last bit!

I think it's wrong that any parent has to leave their extremely young child for financial reasons. I don't think we want to be going back to the times of a man's wage being what keeps a whole family afloat. That's what traps women and children in abusive marriages and homes.

Onthebusses · 15/09/2025 16:09

ilovesooty · 14/09/2025 17:00

I was the poster who said that. I'm happy for my taxes to fund childcare so that women can work and contribute to the economy. I'm not happy to contribute to tax breaks for them to stay at home. If women / families want to enable SAH parenting that's something they have every right to choose to do but I think they should finance it themselves.

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Do you think this contributes to poverty correlating to badly raised children?

Westcoastcemetery · 15/09/2025 16:32

Shoving babies into nurseries to earn money to pay for childcare is horrendous.

None of it is feminist.

WickWood · 15/09/2025 16:32

I think a lot of people are missing the point of the thread. If people return to work because they want to, for whatever reason, thats amazing. Its about people who dont want to return to work and would like to stay at home with their baby longer, however they're unable to.

Original poster
JTT95 · 15/09/2025 16:37

IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 15:44

If it's that important to you then make the financial sacrifices and give up work.

You chose to reproduce. Nobody owes you the lifestyle you want.

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I have, I’m a SAHM at the moment. I do agree that more people would be able to afford not to work had they planned better but sometimes you don’t actually realise you want to be a SAHM until you have kids (as was the case with me).

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 16:43

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 16:37

I have, I’m a SAHM at the moment. I do agree that more people would be able to afford not to work had they planned better but sometimes you don’t actually realise you want to be a SAHM until you have kids (as was the case with me).

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Great. So there really is no problem, is there?

IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 16:46

WickWood · 15/09/2025 16:32

I think a lot of people are missing the point of the thread. If people return to work because they want to, for whatever reason, thats amazing. Its about people who dont want to return to work and would like to stay at home with their baby longer, however they're unable to.

I don't think people are missing the point.

Most of us don't exactly love going to work, but we do it because we need to pay the bills and nobody is going to pay them for us. Parents of young children aren't exceptional in that respect.

Thechaseison71 · 15/09/2025 16:47

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/09/2025 10:30

Some people have no choice but go back to work. My 2 were in childcare from 4 mths old.

Was normal when my eldest were born

Original poster
JTT95 · 15/09/2025 16:50

WickWood · 15/09/2025 16:32

I think a lot of people are missing the point of the thread. If people return to work because they want to, for whatever reason, thats amazing. Its about people who dont want to return to work and would like to stay at home with their baby longer, however they're unable to.

Yes, the people who are saying “but some woman want to work” etc. are missing the point. If you want to work and you can, that’s great. It would be very bad for everyone involved to have a reluctant/resentful SAHM.

OP posts:
Original poster
JTT95 · 15/09/2025 16:52

IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 16:43

Great. So there really is no problem, is there?

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No not for me but what made me start this thread is a conversation I had with some local women currently on Mat leave or recently back at work who said they would love to be in my position and are sad about putting their babies in childcare.

OP posts:
Thechaseison71 · 15/09/2025 16:53

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 16:37

I have, I’m a SAHM at the moment. I do agree that more people would be able to afford not to work had they planned better but sometimes you don’t actually realise you want to be a SAHM until you have kids (as was the case with me).

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Wonder what happens if you have a baby agreeing with husband that you will return to work after. Then " change your mind" and want to be a SAHM

Is it reasonable to make that decision by yourself and put the other parent in a position to have to finance the whole family when they never agreed to that in the fuest place

I'd be mighty peed off if someone moved the goalpost on such a big thing

IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 16:56

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 16:52

No not for me but what made me start this thread is a conversation I had with some local women currently on Mat leave or recently back at work who said they would love to be in my position and are sad about putting their babies in childcare.

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I'd love to be in the position where I didn't have to work for a living too, but I wouldn't expect anyone else to consider it their problem.

Original poster
JTT95 · 15/09/2025 17:04

Thechaseison71 · 15/09/2025 16:53

Wonder what happens if you have a baby agreeing with husband that you will return to work after. Then " change your mind" and want to be a SAHM

Is it reasonable to make that decision by yourself and put the other parent in a position to have to finance the whole family when they never agreed to that in the fuest place

I'd be mighty peed off if someone moved the goalpost on such a big thing

Edited
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I don’t know, my husband is very supportive of our set up. I think it would be good if people discussed those things before having kids (or even before getting married).

OP posts:
ObelixtheGaul · 15/09/2025 17:04

ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyour · 15/09/2025 14:06

I think you're missing the point or perhaps taking it too personally. The point is that 99% of women don't have the choice of whether to work or not. They HAVE to work because they can't afford not to due to house/rent prices and the massive cost of everything else. This is not the same as saying that there are no benefits to work and it's also not saying that women have to stay at home if they don't want to. It's just that for a decent proportion of women (and probably some men too) they would like to be able to spend a bit more time with their children through not working or working part time but that is financially impossible. And for those women it really is heartbreaking to have to pay another woman to look after your children when you woudl rather be the one doing it.

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But again, that's life. I'd rather not be working. I'd rather be doing other stuff. But I've got bills to pay. I could choose not to work, but since that choice might lead to me living in a cardboard box under the railway arches, I work.

Sure, it's heartbreaking for some to leave their children with someone else. It's also heartbreaking to not be able to afford stuff for them. So you make the choice.

Thechaseison71 · 15/09/2025 17:06

JTT95 · 15/09/2025 17:04

I don’t know, my husband is very supportive of our set up. I think it would be good if people discussed those things before having kids (or even before getting married).

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I was talking about those who DID discuss and agree then one person changes their mind

WickWood · 15/09/2025 17:06

IcedPurple · 15/09/2025 16:46

I don't think people are missing the point.

Most of us don't exactly love going to work, but we do it because we need to pay the bills and nobody is going to pay them for us. Parents of young children aren't exceptional in that respect.

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Sorry, I was meaning a few specific posters who were saying that some women love their careers, financial independence etc, then of course its fab that they go back to work when they choose to. Of course not everyone goes back to work because they love it, the point of the thread is that its unfair that some women are effectively forced to go back to work, even when they dont want to, because of money.

BluePeril · 15/09/2025 17:11

WickWood · 15/09/2025 17:06

Sorry, I was meaning a few specific posters who were saying that some women love their careers, financial independence etc, then of course its fab that they go back to work when they choose to. Of course not everyone goes back to work because they love it, the point of the thread is that its unfair that some women are effectively forced to go back to work, even when they dont want to, because of money.

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The requirement to keep a roof over your head doesn’t suddenly become optional when you give birth, you know.