To be upset about with DH for leaving me at home either 2 kids while sick?

[Amariel13]

I am admittedly not in a good mood at the moment, which may be clouding my judgement, so if I am being unreasonable I will readily apologise to DH.

I have been sick for a few days now. I’m feeling somewhat better, but am still very congested to the point I can’t breathe through my nose at all. As such, I’m not sleeping well at all and am just all around feeling crappy. DC2 is also unwell, seemingly with the same thing I have (he keeps spiking a temperature and getting chills though).

Today there’s a local fair on that we take the DC to every year. DC2 and I are obviously not well enough to go. DH decided this morning that he was still going to take DC1 but would leave DC3 at home with me also (he’s healthy but only 19 months old so cannot go on any rides or anything). He told DC1 this and did not think to check with me first whether I was up to caring for 2 children, 1 of whom is unwell, while also being unwell myself. I would have preferred DH take DC1 and DC3 so DC2 and I could rest but felt I had to agree so as not to disappoint DC1 (who doesn’t want to go on rides by himself).

DH and I ended up having an argument about it once the DC had left the room. I told him it would’ve been nice to be consulted on his plans instead of just assuming I’d be okay to solo parent at the moment. I also said he didn’t handle it very tactfully, as DC2 is now quite upset that he can’t go to the fair and I’ll have to deal with that. DH got defensive and said he’d take DC3 but then DC1 will have to go on rides by himself, they can’t do anything, etc etc. I told him to just forget it, I’d handle the DC, I have no energy to argue.

The fair is on until 9pm tonight and DH chose to go at 11am, leaving me to prepare lunch for our other DC and get DC3 down for his nap afterwards. This has just added to my annoyance - he couldn’t have gone down after lunch and helped me with those things? I’ve also since found out that he’s met up with 2 of his sisters and their families down at the fair, so DC1 is doing rides and things with his cousins. Meaning that DH could have taken DC3 with him to give me a break.

DH just called me to “check in” and I can tell he thinks he hasn’t done anything wrong. I, however, think he’s being a right dick - but is this unreasonable of me?

He could have handled it better but he probably thought he was doing a nice thing for dc1.

I do think you’re blowing things a bit out of proportion as you’re feeling poorly.

Honestly best thing you can do is try and move on. Hope theyve both had a lovely day and see if there’s anything you can do with dc 2 when you’re both better.

Yes he should have took younger dc too so you and poorly dc could rest. He wanted an easier day and didn’t care/consider that it made your day harder.
Not a lot you can do now so I’d let it go (particularly if it’s just a one off) but I’d try to pre empt it next time and say in advance you will need to do xyz as I need to rest. And make sure you get some time for your self where he has kids in next few weeks.

Remember this when he goes down with this virus. No help, no sympathy.
If feeling petty leave him to look after the kids whilst feeling dire. (Oh you'll be fine - I had to manage . . . )
Hope you & dc recover soon.

DH has just returned home and thrown himself onto the couch, exclaiming “man I’m pooped.” I just took some deep breaths and chose not to say anything because I know anything I said wouldn’t be nice.

@Billybagpuss he definitely did do something nice for DC1, as it wasn’t fair for him to miss out because others are sick. And it’s less about the fact that DC2 missed out (these things happen, although it could’ve been handled more tactfully so he wasn’t so upset about it) - it’s more that DH assumed I’d be okay to solo parent while still being fairly unwell and then left at a fairly inconvenient time when he could’ve instead helped me out a bit first.

@autienotnaughty I’m going to be making it clear that he’s in charge of dinner, bathtime, bedtime, etc this evening. I’ll spell it out for him so there can’t be any excuses or claims he didn’t understand. I want to just lie down and try to sleep.

@CoffeeBeansGalore I'm just waiting for him to come down with it too - and then he’ll he laid up in bed claiming he can barely move, as is usual for him when unwell. Maybe that’s what I should do next time I’m sick and let everything go to hell so he realises how much I still do even when I feel like rubbish.

He should have discussed it with you
I find that so rude and I'd be livid with my husband if he didn't check i was OK to do childcare. I always check with him. It's just polite!! You don't leave one partner with kids without checking it's ok to do that.

And yeah if he comes down with it too you'd best just go out for the day with the eldest and leave the other two with him, with no consultation about whether that's OK.
Then he might understand what a dick move that is.

It sounds like you’ve got the man-flu tbh. I think it’s lovely he took your DC to the fair! It’s a shame you felt you were too poorly to go but that’s how it goes sometimes.

It does seem as if men can’t win sometimes! Your DH was being proactive and his plan is the best plan in this situation so that your eldest could enjoy the rides. ‘Solo parenting’ in your own home is really not a big issue, Hope you feel better soon.

Neither of us would feel the need to consult the other with something like this, you’ve had a cold, for us we wouldn’t change routines at all for that.

And where did you propose he put the baby when he was going on rides with thr older kids ? Leaving the youngest at home is just common sense.

I agree. He absolutely could have made everyone lunch and made sure the 19 month old was settled so you could have sat on the sofa with DC2 and let them watch the telly while you snoozed for a bit.

I think men can often be selfish like this because they aren’t used to carrying the mental load for everyone. He is focused on - I planned a nice thing for DC1, well done me but hasn’t thought through everyone else’s needs in the process.

I’ve not found a solution other than speaking up and saying, yes take DC1 to the fair but first please can you help with xyz so I can actually cope while you’re gone.

And I would also have been really cross he didn’t take DC3 if his extended family were going as it sounds like there was easily enough adults to juggle supervising youngest and they would have probably really enjoyed the fair.

When he gets it definitely take whichever child is well and leave him with the sick one and toddler and disappear and see how he likes it.

So you have got a cold?

Sounds like the way he did it was the most sensible to be fair, and it had the bonus of the eldest getting some 1-1 time with a parent too.

If this was Noro virus or V & D then yes I would be very much on your side but you have a cold so nope

Did he arrange to meet up with his sisters or just happen to bump into them? If he knew they’d be there that would annoy me because he could have taken both children.

@Ooodelally The issue is not at all that I couldn’t go - I couldn’t care less about the fair, and I’ve already said it was unfair for DC1 to miss out because some of us were sick. The issue is that DH didn’t want to bring healthy DC3 with him and then left without thinking to see if I needed any help with getting lunch etc sorted. Just some sort of consultation would have been appreciated rather than this blanket assumption that I’ll do everything as per usual.

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers It was the best scenario, but I would have appreciated him speaking to me about it and not unilaterally deciding that was the plan. And you’re right, solo parenting at home is not a big issue, but when you’re unwell and have a healthy 19 month old that’s getting into everything, demanding snacks, refusing to nap, and hitting his brother because he won’t play with him it’s not exactly ideal.

@hshshshhdaujhwgwva I think you’re exactly right, he wasn’t thinking about anything else. I should’ve spoken up better at the time, I think days of little sleep coupled with also doing all my usual parenting/household chores/actual job just overwhelmed me in the moment. I’ve since found out that he knew he was meeting his sisters before he left so I’m even more angry that he didn’t take DC3 with him - he went on one ride, which neither of his sisters went on so they would’ve been able to mind the baby for a few minutes.

To everyone commenting that it’s just a cold. Yeah, I’m assuming it is. Which is normally fine and, as always, I soldier on. But I’ve only been getting 3ish hours sleep each night for the past 3 nights - DC3 has been up at least once per night, DC2 has been up because he feels awful, and I just can’t breathe which has been keeping me awake - so I’m bloody tired. I don’t think some consideration is too much to ask when your wife is unwell (whether a cold or something more serious), sleep deprived, and still trying to do all the things she usually does.

I think yabu.
Would you prefer everyone to be stuck in the house because you are tired?

Just commented above that I’ve found out he planned to meet his sisters before he left. And that all 3 of his sisters were actually there along with 1 of their husbands.

Never said that at all. Just that I’d have appreciated a conversation about it first. It was the assumption I’d be fine to have DC3 left at home and that I’d just handle all the other tasks (lunch, nap time, dishes, etc) that got my back up.

@Amariel13 Take yourself off to a hotel for a proper rest. I would.

You are being ridiculous. Sorry.

He messed up. If this was about dc1 going to the fair maybe he could have gone direct with the cousins and DH stayed home to help op, look after the other two or do some housework.

the good news is tomorrow is another day and he has a fresh chance to make amends! Have a good rest and feel better OP!

What a huge drama because you gave a Cold … make sure you put your dressing gown of doom on for extra effect.

You clearly don't like him. Maybe consider the future of the relationship.

I don't think he was being unreasonable. I think it's good that he took the eldest out so you weren't all stuck in with them bouncing off the walls. I also don't think it's wrong that the youngest didn't go with him, surely the fair is pretty boring if they can't go on much and even if he did meet his sisters there, the 19 month old would still be bored and tetchy because they can't join in.
Sounds like it was a good day for you to have a TV day and not worry about screen time, same with food. As long as everyone was fed I wouldn't have worried whether it was healthy or even a proper meal. I would also have left dishes for when he came home. I think you are making a bit more of a deal of it that needed.

I completely can sympathize with the lack of thought being the main issue. It's not that you're trying to dictate plans or control everything. You are just clearly not running on all cylinders (being unwell) and that should be considered. He has been quite selfish choosing to go out and leave you at a busy point of the day and also leave you with DC that he could have taken with him. Seems like it was more important to go and stand and chat with his sisters & husbands than support his unwell wife 🙄 realistically could your DC1 have just gone with their cousins and supervised by their aunties/uncles? There were other options your husband could have chosen that didn't leave you caring for the kids whilst unwell. He's a pillock and needs it explaining.