To be upset about with DH for leaving me at home either 2 kids while sick?

[Amariel13]

I am admittedly not in a good mood at the moment, which may be clouding my judgement, so if I am being unreasonable I will readily apologise to DH.

I have been sick for a few days now. I’m feeling somewhat better, but am still very congested to the point I can’t breathe through my nose at all. As such, I’m not sleeping well at all and am just all around feeling crappy. DC2 is also unwell, seemingly with the same thing I have (he keeps spiking a temperature and getting chills though).

Today there’s a local fair on that we take the DC to every year. DC2 and I are obviously not well enough to go. DH decided this morning that he was still going to take DC1 but would leave DC3 at home with me also (he’s healthy but only 19 months old so cannot go on any rides or anything). He told DC1 this and did not think to check with me first whether I was up to caring for 2 children, 1 of whom is unwell, while also being unwell myself. I would have preferred DH take DC1 and DC3 so DC2 and I could rest but felt I had to agree so as not to disappoint DC1 (who doesn’t want to go on rides by himself).

DH and I ended up having an argument about it once the DC had left the room. I told him it would’ve been nice to be consulted on his plans instead of just assuming I’d be okay to solo parent at the moment. I also said he didn’t handle it very tactfully, as DC2 is now quite upset that he can’t go to the fair and I’ll have to deal with that. DH got defensive and said he’d take DC3 but then DC1 will have to go on rides by himself, they can’t do anything, etc etc. I told him to just forget it, I’d handle the DC, I have no energy to argue.

The fair is on until 9pm tonight and DH chose to go at 11am, leaving me to prepare lunch for our other DC and get DC3 down for his nap afterwards. This has just added to my annoyance - he couldn’t have gone down after lunch and helped me with those things? I’ve also since found out that he’s met up with 2 of his sisters and their families down at the fair, so DC1 is doing rides and things with his cousins. Meaning that DH could have taken DC3 with him to give me a break.

DH just called me to “check in” and I can tell he thinks he hasn’t done anything wrong. I, however, think he’s being a right dick - but is this unreasonable of me?

Surely if DC2 has just got a cold he can go to the fair too? I never get this “everything stops for a cold” thing. DH takes the older two to the fair, you stay home with the baby.

You're hard work. How did you expect him to look after DC3 and DC1 at the fair? They all couldn't go on rides.

I guess he assumed you would be ok to do it, do you just have a cold or more than this? A cold isn’t great, but assume most people continue with their daily lives and don’t just lie in bed recovering. Especially when you’re a parent. A bit mean on sick child though missing out, would have been better if no-one went.

I think if you were properly unwell, you’d be making a very fair point. But you’ve got a cold and are a bit tired. Not the end of the world, and still easier for you to manage two kids at home that it would have been for your DH to wrangle two kids on fairground rides, or to supervise the older one remotely on those ones the little one wasn’t allowed to go on.

Do people actually not even read OP's whole post before commenting?

Her DH's family all went to the fair. He absolutely could have taken little one and made life easier for OP and got the youngest out of the house. But he chose to make life easier for himself.

I am so grateful for my DH when I read threads like this. Because absolutely my DH would have taken the youngest and oldest. But if he absolutely could not have taken youngest he would have played with them all morning prepped lunch to ensure they were exhausted and fed for a good nap then gone to the fair.

No she’s not. He knew his sisters would be there. He should have taken the baby - he just didn’t want to.

I say this with kindness but I’d be grateful that the child who wasn’t ill was getting entertained and not coped up at home all day.

DH’s plan makes sense to me. I think he’s right. And I think leaving the toddler at home is best too.

But also, feeling a bit better, I’d probably take the congested kid to the fair too and just all go. Especially if the child wanted to.

DH's plan makes sense to me too.

It was never going to be a great outcome for everyone, but that's just because there's more children than parents, so this is the type of situation where that creates issues.

I would have explained to DH before he left what I would need done eg please could you sort out the lunch,’laundry and leave something out for youngest to play with. So I do sympathise.

Colds can vary from head cold to feeling really grotty with a temperature / not being well at all. So he could have done better to make things easier for you before he went out. I think that some here are being dismissive of it being ‘ just a cold’ as some can really make you feel poorly. I have recently been in bed with one for 2 days.

However it’s done now so nothing can put back time. Just reminder to get in on DH plans early one and assert what you need / want. Also remember this if the position is reversed.

I’m going to read the full thread properly in a moment but from a purely practical point a view, please get yourself a packet of Actifed. It’s the most amazing decongestant and will clear your nose so you can sleep. My best friend is a pharmacist and she swears by it.

it doesn’t have any paracetamol or ibroprofen in it so you can take it alongside your painkillers if you are taking them and it works within about 20 minutes.

right, I’ll read properly now!

Your just being grumpy sorry!

Don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in a previous comment or not, but DC2 is absolutely not up to going out. He’s been lying on the couch half asleep all day. When the ibuprofen wears off he spikes a temperature and gets chills. Once he has another dose, it takes at least an hour for him to be comfortable. I’ve got no idea if this is just a cold or something else (my mum has just recovered from a nasty cold that saw her in bed for days, but RSV and Covid have been going around too) as we haven’t been tested. I haven’t been able to get either of us into a dr until Tuesday (appt made yesterday) but hoping we both feel better by then and won’t need it.

You've and your son DC2 probably have covid and others are likely to come down with it soon or be asymptomatic. Contagion can happen even if asymptomatic or up to a couple of days before symptoms show. Please isolate from others to avoid further spread, every infection even mild or asymptomatic leaves damage to the body.

If he brought DC3, then he couldn't go on rides or have fun with DD1.
Yabu.

I think he did the right thing.

I’ve described it as a cold but to be completely honest I have no idea if it is or not as we haven’t been tested and haven’t been able to see a dr. I started with chills, body aches, sinus pain, a headache. That wore off after about 12 hours but I’ve now been super congested, have a sore throat and an awful cough. On top of that, I haven’t been sleeping much. I know it sounds like a lot of complaining, but I’ve been feeling like crap and have still had to do pretty much everything I usually do around the house. All DH has done is a load of dishes, dropped DC1 off at school yesterday and picked him up, and made us both dinner last night (I made the kids dinner). How am I meant to get better if I don’t get to rest?

I don't know why everyone is saying if he took DC3 he wouldn't have been able to take DC1 on rides, his family were there and he wasn't going on rides with DC1 anyway!

I don't think yabu, it sounds like more than just your standard colds and it was unfair for him to leave you with the littlest two when you're feeling so bad.

Yet she was expected to be ill at home looking after two kids (one who is ill themselves!) whilst he went and had fun with ONE kid and his sisters + partners? (So more adults than kids..) How is that right or fair?

OP, I can see his point about not taking youngest to the fair, but only if he had absolutely no idea his whole family were going to be there at the same time...
If he knew he definitely should have taken both kids.
And it would have been thoughtful if he'd have prepped lunch too.

I suffer from sinusitis regularly over the colds and flu season. You can buy decongestant nasal spray that can clear your nose in 30 seconds. Amazing stuff. You still feel unwell but you can breathe, therefore sleep.

It's awful looking after kids when you're ill so you have my sympathy, I remember it well.

You’ve got a cold? Don’t most parents carry on as normal when we’re unwell?

I’m not really sure why you’re getting such a hard time OP. Maybe because it wasn’t clear from your first post that he planned to meet up with his sisters.

I think the minimum he should have done was take both DC who were healthy. That way you could have rested and not been looking after a healthy 19 month old.

Yes he may not have gone on all the rides but DC1 could have and I’m sure his family would have minded DC3 while he went on sone rides. Even if you had all gone he would have had to miss some rides as he would presumably have taken turns with you to mind DC3.

He just did what was easiest for him and stuff everyone else.

When people say things like this I always think they must be the sort of people who don't have such severe colds as others. When I was younger a simple cold would wipe me out for 3 days. Later in life I was diagnosed with an easily treatable medical condition, think low iron type thing. For my early life I had not felt "ill" most of the time but when I got any bug, it was awful. Now I am on additional supplements, if I have a cold it presents as a mild headache and blocked nose and I can cope fine and maybe need a little nap, no drama.

The person who posted this comment above has probably never had one of the "wipe you out for days" colds and is baffled why the rest of us need to make such a meal of it. But honestly colds are different for different immune systems, people with different levels of inflammation, and so on. We are learning more about inflammatory responses for different bodies all the time.

I always feel sorry for people who live with these bracing "just get on with it" types if they are unlucky enough to have a proper need for rest as I suspect they get no sympathy or accommodation.

You have a cold. Get a grip.

@HettySunshine @ShiftySquirrel thank you for these recommendations! I have tried a couple of nasal sprays that have previously worked for me, but they’ve only lasted 5-10mins and then I’m back to being completely congested.

@Rainbowqueeen when I first posted I didn’t know that he had planned to meet up with his sisters, I thought he’d run into them there. It was only when my SIL mentioned something in our family chat that I realised it had been pre-planned. DH only went on one ride in the end, which his sisters did not go on so could have certainly watched DC3 for a few minutes.