To be upset about with DH for leaving me at home either 2 kids while sick?

[Amariel13]

I am admittedly not in a good mood at the moment, which may be clouding my judgement, so if I am being unreasonable I will readily apologise to DH.

I have been sick for a few days now. I’m feeling somewhat better, but am still very congested to the point I can’t breathe through my nose at all. As such, I’m not sleeping well at all and am just all around feeling crappy. DC2 is also unwell, seemingly with the same thing I have (he keeps spiking a temperature and getting chills though).

Today there’s a local fair on that we take the DC to every year. DC2 and I are obviously not well enough to go. DH decided this morning that he was still going to take DC1 but would leave DC3 at home with me also (he’s healthy but only 19 months old so cannot go on any rides or anything). He told DC1 this and did not think to check with me first whether I was up to caring for 2 children, 1 of whom is unwell, while also being unwell myself. I would have preferred DH take DC1 and DC3 so DC2 and I could rest but felt I had to agree so as not to disappoint DC1 (who doesn’t want to go on rides by himself).

DH and I ended up having an argument about it once the DC had left the room. I told him it would’ve been nice to be consulted on his plans instead of just assuming I’d be okay to solo parent at the moment. I also said he didn’t handle it very tactfully, as DC2 is now quite upset that he can’t go to the fair and I’ll have to deal with that. DH got defensive and said he’d take DC3 but then DC1 will have to go on rides by himself, they can’t do anything, etc etc. I told him to just forget it, I’d handle the DC, I have no energy to argue.

The fair is on until 9pm tonight and DH chose to go at 11am, leaving me to prepare lunch for our other DC and get DC3 down for his nap afterwards. This has just added to my annoyance - he couldn’t have gone down after lunch and helped me with those things? I’ve also since found out that he’s met up with 2 of his sisters and their families down at the fair, so DC1 is doing rides and things with his cousins. Meaning that DH could have taken DC3 with him to give me a break.

DH just called me to “check in” and I can tell he thinks he hasn’t done anything wrong. I, however, think he’s being a right dick - but is this unreasonable of me?

I think sometimes you just have to say directly to someone what you need them to do, ie I'm not up to having dc 3, please take him with you and can you make a sandwich before you go, thanks.

You have a cold so fair to assume you could solo parent at home, especially as after a short time the toddler would be going for a nap, which seems another good reason for toddler not to go as presumably would have been tired and grumpy. It seems like the best outcome for all the DC. As parents we have to suck this stuff up sometimes. As a single parent I’ve done all illnesses, including severe ones, alone. I remember once physically not being able to get off the sofa and dd just turned 4 feeding her 12 month old sister. Anything stopping for tiredness and a stuffy nose is unthinkable

That’s your life as a single parent.
OP isn’t a single parent so shouldn’t have to suck this stuff up 🤷‍♀️

Not in England. I also wasn’t asking for advice or opinions on what illness I’ve managed to pick up, but just to put you at ease I’ve since done a Covid test and it was negative. DC2 and I are staying at home while we’re unwell, so you can get off your high horse now - thanks!

I fully accept that sometimes we have to suck stuff up and I do just that. On Friday, I had both DC2 and DC3 home with me all day while DH was at work. Was I sick on Friday? Yes. Was DC2 sick on Friday? Yes. But I normally have Fridays off work with both DC at home, so there was no option except for me to have them both solo. I haven’t mentioned this at all in this thread because I’m not upset about that - it was a difficult day but it is the way it is. What I’m upset about is that it was a Saturday so DH was home and I wasn’t expecting that I’d have to do keep doing it all alone.

He should 100% have taken DC3, especially as he was meeting others who could go on the rides with DC1. He was just being lazy.

Coming home and saying he was “pooped” would have pushed me over the edge.

FYI (not just for OP but for the general public) one negative COVID test doesn't mean you don't have it. Viral load builds up and tests are most accurate on day 4-5 of symptoms, so people should be testing more than once. False negatives remain very high on rapid tests. https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/diseases-conditions/understanding-covid-19-testing.html

On the other hand, RSV and Flu rapid tests are more accurate in the early days of symptoms.

I had norovirus once and could not leave the bathroom for about 8 solid hours, I had to get my just turned 6 year old to bring my 10 month old and 2 year old up the stairs and put them in the bedroom so I could hear what they were doing, she also had to bring food and drinks up for them. When you're a single parent you have to do these things because you literally have no choice, the op has a husband who could have done things differently to help her out. She shouldn't have to struggle on like a single parent because she isn't single.

No but it’s not like he went out with his pals drinking. He did a nice thing with dc1 who I bet enjoyed some time out of the house without dad being distracted by a toddler. I’d agree if he’d gone off cycling or partying or something

Yes, he did a nice thing with DC1 and I was appreciative of that and any other day wouldn’t have said anything. But this wasn’t any other day - it was a day where I was sick and running on little sleep, and when we had another child who was also sick. How is it fair to DC3 that he has stay at home cooped up inside with sick people just because DH thought bringing him along would be an inconvenience? Our kids have plenty of family time and 1-on-1 time with both DH and I, it’s not like this was a unique opportunity. DH has admitted he was in the wrong and apologised for not taking DC3 with him, and has been doing his best to let me get some rest.

I’d be annoyed he knew he was meeting family there who could have helped with the younger child. Even if he had t thought of that originally, he should have when you expressed you weren’t happy looking after two whilst unwell.

Right, and he could do a nice thing with DS1 any other weekend when his wife and son aren't poorly. Why should OP be the one struggling on when she's poorly when DH could have had the bit of extra work of taking DS3 in the pushchair when he was meeting up with family anyway, it's not like he actually got 1 on 1 time with his son when his whole family were there with kids.

You need to read the updates where OP explains that her H planned to meet up with family members so had help, that he only went on one ride as his DC went on with other family members and that he admits he could have taken DC3 but chose not to.

Op is perfectly right to be upset

Hi op,

I feel for you and my question is would that have been possible to reverse? Meaning if your husband was in your shoes, would you have been able to leave him with two kids and keep the process to the third?
If yes, you are unreasonable
If no, you are being not treated fairly and I understand your annoyance.

Personally, I think your DH did good towards your kid whom wanted to go so fair enough.

Just because you’ve had it hard doesn’t mean OP wanting help is ridiculous. Also, your child fed your other child so sounds like you had more “hands” to help than the OP did today.

OP your husband was being selfish and deliberately choosing the easier option. He could have easily take. Your other child seeing as he was meeting family. I’d be livid too and make sure he pulls his weight on Sunday. Lord knows you’ll need the energy for when he catches it.

And??
it doesn’t matter if he did a nice thing fur dc1.
When you plan yur activity for the day with your dcs, the least you should do is to ALWAYS double check if your partner is happy with it.
It doesn’t matter if it’s the OP being ill or she is well but had other plans furvthe weekend. The expectations that your partner will simply adjust aroubd you shpuld never be there.

And I’m sure that if the OP had planned to go to the fair with one chikd, assuming hed look after the others, regardless of whether he was ill or not, he would NOT have liked it. He would have wanted to be involved in the decision making.

and let’s be honest, it wouldn’t have happened. It’s only dads that expect their partner to just fit around them. And fathers who get away with acting with disrespect towards their partner but being told theyre amazing ‘because they’ve done something nice for ther dc’

I would say it’s Covid. Myself and my son have it and are displaying all the aforementioned symptoms. Rest well op

Tis life, I was ill several times and at home looking after my 2 DC when they were ill and when they weren’t. DH still had to go to work to bring home the bread. Get over it. Both my SIL had the same except they had 3 DC, not 2. You’re a mother now, step up.

Imagine is this was the other way around. Husband was sick and one kid. Wife buggered off to the fair with one kid and left sick husband with sick kid plus healthy toddler. Nope. I can’t imagine it. Just wouldn’t happen. Husband would never cope.

It’s not inconceivable it just doesn’t make much sense to take a baby to a fair when they would get nothing from it and the older child would miss out too.

It isn’t ’low bar’ to have a different opinion. It sounds like they split the duties. Dh took one kid out which was one less to care for, op stayed at home with the others.

Your the reason all the kids at school get sick. You take your sick children into public, and spread germs.

If DH was the one who was sick, there’s no way I’d have left DC3 with him. I’d have left him and DC2 to rest at home and taken the healthy DC to the fair, whether I was meeting family/friends or not. Not because DH cannot handle 2 kids but because he was unwell. I’d also have done it to try and minimise DC3’s exposure in the hopes that he wouldn’t also become unwell.

Not the point of the post, but I’ve done multiple covid tests and they have all come back negative. Where I live RSV is really prevalent at the moment (I know of close to 10 people who’ve had it in the last month, including one who has hospitalised). My mum has also had a nasty cold that took her 2 weeks to recover from - she was swabbed by a GP and was told it wasn’t RSV, covid or flu, it was just a nasty cold that really threw her for a loop.

As he knew he was meeting his sisters he should have taken DC3 too. He just couldn't be bothered to look after a child who'd need more attention.
I would be angry too. As far you "just having a cold" there are some nasty bugs about already which can leave you feeling like absolute crap.
When you feel better and he's ill dump two of the kids on him and go out. And be sure to go around lunchtime so he has to sort food and naps. It's only fair.

Wow, do you get enjoyment from being such a rude and nasty person?

If you’d read other posts, you’d see that I was home on Friday with DC2 and DC3 while both DC2 and I were sick because DH had to work. It wasn’t mentioned in my OP because I wasn’t upset about that. It sucked but it is what it is. I’m also home today, again with DC3 and a still sick DC2, and I’m not much better at all. But it’s a Monday and DH has to work. But it was a Saturday and DH was home - I didn’t think some help and allowing me to rest when he didn’t have to work was too much to ask.