To be upset about with DH for leaving me at home either 2 kids while sick?

[Amariel13]

I am admittedly not in a good mood at the moment, which may be clouding my judgement, so if I am being unreasonable I will readily apologise to DH.

I have been sick for a few days now. I’m feeling somewhat better, but am still very congested to the point I can’t breathe through my nose at all. As such, I’m not sleeping well at all and am just all around feeling crappy. DC2 is also unwell, seemingly with the same thing I have (he keeps spiking a temperature and getting chills though).

Today there’s a local fair on that we take the DC to every year. DC2 and I are obviously not well enough to go. DH decided this morning that he was still going to take DC1 but would leave DC3 at home with me also (he’s healthy but only 19 months old so cannot go on any rides or anything). He told DC1 this and did not think to check with me first whether I was up to caring for 2 children, 1 of whom is unwell, while also being unwell myself. I would have preferred DH take DC1 and DC3 so DC2 and I could rest but felt I had to agree so as not to disappoint DC1 (who doesn’t want to go on rides by himself).

DH and I ended up having an argument about it once the DC had left the room. I told him it would’ve been nice to be consulted on his plans instead of just assuming I’d be okay to solo parent at the moment. I also said he didn’t handle it very tactfully, as DC2 is now quite upset that he can’t go to the fair and I’ll have to deal with that. DH got defensive and said he’d take DC3 but then DC1 will have to go on rides by himself, they can’t do anything, etc etc. I told him to just forget it, I’d handle the DC, I have no energy to argue.

The fair is on until 9pm tonight and DH chose to go at 11am, leaving me to prepare lunch for our other DC and get DC3 down for his nap afterwards. This has just added to my annoyance - he couldn’t have gone down after lunch and helped me with those things? I’ve also since found out that he’s met up with 2 of his sisters and their families down at the fair, so DC1 is doing rides and things with his cousins. Meaning that DH could have taken DC3 with him to give me a break.

DH just called me to “check in” and I can tell he thinks he hasn’t done anything wrong. I, however, think he’s being a right dick - but is this unreasonable of me?

Honestly, Actifed is a total game changer. I have ongoing runny nose issues and it is the only thing that works.

I promise I don’t work for them!

While I’m aware there’s a tiny bit of Covid in the community, RSV is actually far more prevalent where I am at the moment. I’d say it’s more likely to be the nasty cold my mum had (as I was around there dropping meals off, cleaning etc) or the RSV my MIL just had (we saw her the day she developed symptoms and I also dropped some meals off to her, although she didn’t leave her room).

I have a bit of a cold this week. Bit stuffed up, silly little cough, not feeling 100% but carrying on as normal.
But I’ve also experienced the type where you struggle to breathe so can’t sleep, cough so much your insides are your outsides and you struggle to eat as your throat feels cut to ribbons, there are mountains of used tissues by the bed and simply not enough lemsip in the world to touch the sides of the fucker.
I am absolutely stunned that seemingly so many posters have only ever experienced the first type and therefore can’t imagine why the OP is peeved.

And what about DC3 who is also healthy? He was cooped up inside all day with me and his sick brother, so he’s been acting out because he’s bored out of his mind.

I am most definitely grateful that DC1 got to spend some time out of the house today, would’ve just been nice if that applied to both of our healthy children.

I have type one diabetes and I don’t have a spleen, I’m just not some who takes to their bed when unwell.

You have summed up the way my “cold” currently is so well! I feel the cough so much your insides are your outsides line deeply.

If he'd gone out alone he'd be unreasonable, but it's really important with 3 DC to make sure they all get some 1-1 time still, especially the eldest.

So he didn't discuss it with you first, announced it in a way that upset DC2, lied about not being able to take DC3, didn't ask if he could do anything to help before he left and then came home and announced he was pooped as though he'd just had a really hard day?

YANBU to be annoyed. You are probably more upset than it deserves because you are feeling shitty anyway.

As ever, I am stunned by the lack of empathy from some posters. There are no medals awarded for people not resting when they are ill. What I have learnt the hard way is that powering through can actually lead to more serious illness. The body needs rest to fight off an infection.

I’d be peeved but I’d get on with it.

later posts from you make me think Your DH didn’t feel he could ask his sisters to watch the 19mo whilst he did rides with your other child.
that’s his problem.
so I’d probably explain calmly that a cooped up well toddler is a PITA & so you are disappointed he did not feel he could parent 2 kids at the fair. What’s the point of having local family. Might as well live in Australia or some other far away place.

but don’t have a row about it. State disappointment. Query why family could not be leaned on. & leave it at that.

But respectfully, you would take to your bed if you felt ill enough to need to. You must have been through the mill with diabetes and the spleen issues and it sounds like you have a lot of grit to keep going through physical discomfort. However discomfort does genuinely feel different to different people. Different traumas, different parasympathetic nervous systems, different immune reactions to germs, different genetics, different reactions to.allergens, different cellular processes like methylation, different neurobiology making different sensory issues easier or harder to process.

You have a lot to deal with and you have obviously managed really well - but that doesn't mean that everyone who does it differently is doing it wrong.

OP I would be annoyed at the thoughtlessness of it all, as it sounds like if the situations were reversed he wouldn’t have liked it.

I would have a conversation about it as he conveniently left bits out (family will be there) to make sure he only took one child with him, and the lack of discussion before deciding the plan which made it difficult to row back from as kids would be disappointed.

also, highly recommend Sudafed blocked nose spray. It works miracles and is long lasting, you will feel a million times better just for breathing through your nose.

Imwould call him and tell him to come back and collect dc 3

then I would be having a very strong conversation on the fact he lied to you about meeting his sisters so could have taken both kids, and that it’s not on to treat his sick wife like that

then once well Imwould simply arrange to go out, but tell him until last minute and he looks after all three all day, phone switched off so he knows how it feels. But then I am petty

I’m surprised at how low the bar is for men on this forum. If he knew you were unwell there should have been a discussion on how to handle the fair and what he can do to make your day as easy as possible so you can rest.

This choosing the easiest way to parent and dumping any inconvenience on you just shows you he’s totally inconsiderate. Have a word with him and hopefully he can see your perspective. You’ve got 3 kids and many years of parenting ahead so best he can see the error of his ways before you get to a point where you resent him so much you want to get divorced.

I get why you’re in a miserable mood and feeling annoyed, but personally I think what DH has done is completely logical. Assuming the 19m also naps etc? He definitely should have discussed it with you prior though. In a way I think I’d prefer less people in the house anyway I think it will be more relaxing. I also think giving lunch is minor can’t they have some soup or a sandwich or something?

I wouldn’t worry too much as I’m sure the others will all be sick by next weekend and you & DC2 can go and do something nice together & leave them to fend for themselves!

Yes, 19 month old has one nap (of 1-2 hours) per day. My ideal plan would have been for DH to take both DC1 and DC3 after he woke up from his nap. This would not have interfered with his ability to meet up with his sisters - one was there from 11am until about 4pm from the looks of it, another went at the time of DH’s choosing so likely would’ve been happy to go later, and the last only came down because she realised they were all together. There was plenty for DC3 to do at the fair, including a petting zoo, a soft play zone, a toddler jumping castle. It would’ve gotten him out of the house and burnt some energy off instead of letting him go stir crazy here with me.

Lunch is minor, yes, but still required me to actually make something when all I wanted to do was lie down. DC3 was ravenous, whereas DC2 and I weren’t interested in eating. I absolutely did not do any dishes and didn’t even really tidy up the lunch stuff at all, DH did that when he got home.

You feel how you feel so it deserves a discussion with your husband either way. I’ve only got 2 DC so don’t really fully understand the 3 DC struggles, but we split off a lot with our 3yo and 10m old as they are sometimes not on the same page with activities, so that’s why I kind of get why he didn’t take your youngest! I did extract that you were feeling a bit better too so maybe I misread that. The fact his family were there is a bit of a game changer though as they could have watched DC 3 while he went on rides with DC1.

Update:
The kids are all in bed so DH and I have had some time to chat. I explained I was upset that he just decided what was going to happen today without discussing it with me. It wasn’t about asking for permission or anything stupid like that, it was about making sure we were on the same page and had a plan that we were both comfortable with.

He apologised and readily admitted that he knew he could’ve taken DC3 but chose not to. He thought all of the adults would be going on rides and didn’t want anyone to feel like they had to miss out to watch the baby. I pointed out that one of our nieces would’ve been too short to go on a lot of rides anyway (she’s barely 3) so how is having DC3 along any different? He said he hadn’t thought about it, he was just thinking about the older cousins. So a big oversight on his behalf. I told DH that I felt him taking a nap was really taking the piss with how little sleep I’ve been getting. He said I could’ve napped too, and I pointed out that DC3 cannot be left unattended. DH said I’d been keeping him awake a little at night but also recognised that taking a nap when he’d been out for a fun morning was in poor taste. He also saw how much DC3 was acting out so that’s made him feel thoroughly guilty too. He did dinner, dishes, bathtime, bedtime, and insisted I go to bed without me saying a word. I’m hoping that we can be a bit more of a team tomorrow (I’m also hoping that I miraculously get better overnight but that’s sadly not looking likely).

If you're in England, it's not a "tiny bit" of COVID, and that's with most people not bothering to test at all. Test positivity is high and that's only in those hospitals that still bother testing for COVID.

Of course he can’t win—there us nothing to win. His wife and one child were ill. Instead of stating home and caring for them he took the easiest child out and left his sick wife to care for the most difficult children. He could have asked his sisters to take their nephew with them and stayed home. He could have taken two children with him and gone out. He chose the least amount of parenting and caregiving possible. Nothing to win praise over.

He’s right, the older dc would have had to go on rides alone if he had a 19 month with him too. A baby of that age is a bit young for a proper fair really and it would have changed the dynamic for the older child.

It’s annoying to have to juggle small dc when you’re ill but you just have to get on with it sometimes.

Bully for you.

I really don’t see why the woman just has to get on with it and juggle two children while it us absolutely inconceivable that a man would be asked to juggle two children at a fair.

The bar for fathers is set so low! A woman has to be on her deathbed before she is excused from childcare duties while for a man anything less than pure 100percent fun for himself is seen as quite wonderful parenting. God forbid he should have to juggle two children or miss out on some rides.

I read the OP and thought you were being unreasonable although H should have sorted lunch before heading out. DC3 would have made it difficult for DC1 to enjoy rides.

But reading the update that he met up with his sisters and this was planned, I've changed my mind. He could and should have taken DC3 and that was a bit sly of him too to keep quiet that there would be other adults. He didn't want to inconvenience them by asking them to mind DC3 for a few mins but thought it fine for his ill wife to cope all day. Anyway seems you've told him so and he accepts what you say and has stepped up since being home. Good.

He knew beforehand that he would be meeting his family there but didn't tell OP. DC1 went on the rides with their cousins not with his dad. OP has said:

'He apologised and readily admitted that he knew he could’ve taken DC3 but chose not to.'

Wow you have been so UR op. How was dc meant to go on rides alone? Couldn’t you put the tv on for a few hours while they were out? I’m with him on this