New DP useless around the house

[HanhanRuns]

DP moved in with me in July - his first time living away from home. I feel like I have to micro manage what he does to help out in terms of chores/housework and it’s already starting to grate. Even basic stuff like the toilet seat and lack of aim - when I raise it he says he forgot and ‘he’s learning’.

Any tips for dealing with this? Other than sexual incentives or withdrawal of these services which seems to be the only advice I get from my friends and a couple of work colleagues!

This.

It's not very often I am speechless and aghast, but this thread/the OP's posts have knocked me sideways!

As a pp said @HanhanRuns see a solicitor now, to see how you can minimise your loss(s.) Get get out of this 'relationship' with this man baby, AND the financial ties you have with him... He sounds grotesque. 😱

How can you possibly be physically attracted to him?! 😖

At 28 surely he should know the basics of pissing in a toilet rather than all over the seat. Seems he wants another mummy figure to clean up after him. I'd pack him back there and tell his mother to teach him properly how to be an adult rather than babying him

I think sexual incentives are the worst two words I've ever heard

I would strongly advise against dumping and running before the financial issues are resolved.

I suspect from my fairly decent knowledge of property law that the TiC created by the severance of the JT will default to 50/50

An agreed deed of trust / signatures of both parties will be needed to register uneven shares.

If I'm right, you want him signing on the dotted and it registered before you tell him to do one.

Remember also, irrespective of his share, he can petition to force a sale to recover his share of the property and pay off his share of the mortgage.

Yeah my bad, skim reading I read mortgage and thought she meant joint liability on the mortgage. Declaration of Trust can absolutely be registered for joint tenants though (my solicitor drew one up). It might be different on death, but I was advised that it can be used in the event of a relationship breakdown.
Regardless, OP urgently needs legal advice as someone who knows what they are doing needs to see what she's signed, and I hope people stop piling in on her, she must be feeling terrible.

Just posting to say I hope you're ignoring the negative and focusing on the good advice given. Good luck OP and prioritise yourself here.

OP, this is not unusual situation and it is always a bit of a surprise. If you come back and want to discuss these with him. look up fair play cards - and the website. It is to help couples talk about how they split responsibility. It might help you start a conversation. But the fact he thinks he is 'still learning' is not great - usually it only takes once to do something that someone else does not like.

Absolutely with you she needs legal advice - and not to LTB / break up / fall out with him until that is sorted, because I'm sure it needs both parties to agree to the declaration.

Honestly OP, you have been so played.
Get on to Women's aid.
Why wouldn't you rent out your spare bedrooms?
Hand him half your house.
Of course his friend wasn't looking out for you.
Contact his regulatory body and report him.
Wake up.
He's making a spectacular fool of you.

Yes you're right of course. But how can the OP do this without giving away that she plans on dumping him? (That's if she has the sense to do this!)

Also, like another poster, I am also grimacing at her offering sexual incentives to try and convince him to 'do better.' 😬

My mind is working overtime! 😂 👅 ( ๏ 人 ๏ ) (‿ˠ‿) Ɑ͞ ̶͞ ̶͞ ̶͞ لں͞

Why didn’t he just rent? That’s what I did when I first moved in with DH before we were engaged or married, Monthly rent helps financially, no? Now you’re stuck with the floor pisser unless you sell the house (spoiler alert: you won’t get the same amount of house for what you sell your portion of the house for). Did someone advise you to go into this—someone besides BF/his friends?

This is why I fervently believe women should not move in with men who have not lived away from their parents for at least two years, and that you’ve witnessed them managing their home for a significant period of time.

@HanhanRuns just echoing what others have said, get rid, next he will be asking you to wipe his arse because he doesn’t know how to xx

I guess his mum kept wiping the toilet seat after him. His mum has probably not trained him very well

You're a bloody fool.

oh fuck that - send him back to mummy - they DO NOT change, learn etc

word of advice - never ever live with someone who has not lived on their own first!

I honestly never understand how so many men can’t use a toilet properly! Lived with my DH for almost 30 yrs & have 2 DS (now young men) and its never been an issue in our house! Sheer laziness imo.

I do have to ask, why is the onus on this man's MUM to train him/raise him properly? There is a father here somewhere. Why isn't HE getting any stick?!

This can’t be real…

He is a grown man. Get rid now because the roles have been st, you will always have to play mummy,

Oh for fuck’s sake.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Why do we always blame Mothers? Presumably it’s the Dad who also has a penis?

My good god, OP. I hope you’re beginning to realise what an utter, utter fool you’ve been.

Him and his broker friend must have raised a few drinks to you behind your back… 🤦🏻‍♀️

Too late, she’s given him half her house.

@HanhanRuns mumsnet is the worst place to ask a question like this! If you’d said he doesn’t load the dishwasher properly many would still tell you to chuck him out!

Do you love this man? If so stick with it. He’s probably has had most things done for him at home and at least he’s open to being better. Have a proper conversation about the peeing on loo, ask him to check after to ensure it’s all clean. Use loving, positive words rather than getting annoyed.

moving in together is a big change at all ages and you have to learn to live together, it won’t all be pretty.

for context I’m 50, I met my husband at 42. He’s quite messy and a clean house is a low priority for him, but I love a clean house. It took about a year to work on this and my god we had some huge arguments, I nearly left! Slowly he’s got better and make more effort, but I’ve also loosened up a bit (and we got a cleaner)!