Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

[Sillysandy]

I am Irish living in Ireland. My DH is British, he is an immigrant who grew up in London but had lived for 20 years in Ireland when I met him.

I discovered mumsnet about 8 years ago when I took on a sort of stepmum role and was flabbergasted at some of the stories, attitudes and opinions.

I still found the site extremely helpful, often giving me clarity on situations which would cause me a lot of angst.

However when I talk to friends and family members living in the UK I realise that a lot is to do with cultural differences.

It's amazing given how close geographically we are.

Attitudes to money, marriage, divorce, wedding gifts, abortion, house purchases, communication with friends are so far from anything I've seen in my circles.

To give my pov; (these are all generalisations) we get married later, we stay married, we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances, we are indirect about money "I'll get this one, you can get the next one (but it is LAW you only accept if you are buying back)" and sending bank details for a small amount would be horrifyingly rude, you only attend a wedding with a card containing at least 100 euro pp, you usually get married in your mid thirties, your kids are mainly all with the one father, we hide behind humour until we know a person very well, we don't report benefit fraud, we laugh a lot more... That's just off the top of my head.

The other thing is that most Irish people know all about English Irish historical tensions but many English people are utterly oblivious.

YABU You're talking out of your ass
YANBU The differences are enormous

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. In my line of work now I do a weekly call with my UK based team and I always notice subtle differences in attitude.

I crying laughing at this! As it is so true!
I put the cash in my English husband’s wallet and warn him about the rounds, just so he is not talked about.

English relations probably don't understand the rule about paying for their dinner at weddings because it isn't a thing here. It's one of those unwritten expectations in Ireland but often nobody remembers to inform non-Irish guests so they end up making a faux pas totally unintentionally.

I think my English nephews must think I'm the most generous auntie ever based on applying Irish wedding present rules!

I’m English and live in the UK but everybody I know would buy a round back if someone else and bought a round.

Agree - I’d be pretty baffled at a grown man in the UK (presuming he’s not teetotal/this is the first time in a pub) not knowing about rounds! That’s just standard pub etiquette surely? Unless it turns out this is regional after all (I’ve only ever lived in the north of England).

I think he might have to be assertive. When the Irish relatives say no put your money away they mean yes please. Mrs Doyle is reality. You have to be more Mrs Doyle.

Interesting that a pp said that Irish people are more chatty and British people more friendly, I tend to chat to people if I am in a queue or whatever, when I was doing the school run there was a woman I would always chat with if I was near her, one day she asked if I would like to go for a coffee, I was astounded, wtf would I want to fo that, I dont know her! (I am irish)

southerner here and yes rounds are well understood, also its ok to to decline and just get your own if broke or not stopping.

I don't think that is an option in Ireland though. I wouldn't be able to let someone get their own drink if it was my round I'd just throw them in.

and would they then get talked about if they couldn't stand their round?

If they were leaving, then no. If it was just a round or two then no.

If someone drank all night then fecked off once it was their round then yes. Or if they were a serial offender.

See that's not what others have said. That (your version) is pretty much like everywhere I have lived in the UK.

"British" isn't a mono-culture. You only have to move to the next town here and things will change - food, accents, customs.

I am Scottish and found plenty of differences when I moved to London. I especially couldn't understand how people would offer you a cup of tea but no biscuits or cake.

I find though that there is an undercurrent of Irish exceptionalism to threads like this, like the rest of us aren't good enough, with our boring funerals and poor wedding gifts.

Gosh, that’s fascinating! So your kids are at school together, you live locally to each other, you’ve chatted regularly at school pick-up…and you feel she’s somehow overstepping by suggesting a coffee?! What’s an acceptable way of making friends then? Or do you just not have a vacancy for friendship? Are you living in the UK?

Sorry, the quote didn’t work - that was in response to @Deadringer

(I will go for coffee with anyone who asks. Especially if cake is available. )

That’s a bit mad 😁
It is of course an option.
Don’t get someone a drink if they don’t want one. I’m Irish too.

I chat with everyone, just happened to see her a lot, never occurred to me to make friends with her.

deffo agree with your third paragraph!
I am a Londoner by birth and would never offer a drink without biscuits or cake....and always the good biscuits. Same if I have workmen in, always a hot drink station set up, always biscuity something.

Yep, world's apart I would say. I think some of the nuances you've gotten into regarding the friendly yet closed paradox are interesting. On the whole I'd say Irish people generally have better social skills and a stronger sense of decency by others. Generally speaking of course.

I was brought up to believe that giving money on occasions like weddings was a bit rude. Times change, though. Working out how much your 'place' at the wedding costs and giving the same amount is just transactional and a bit sad.

I would always buy a drink in return for someone buying me one and don't know anyone here who wouldn't. That's just basic manners. And if I made a mistake I would expect people to tell me, but perhaps that's because I'm English and I don't like talking behind backs.

These stereotypes are always silly.

Yes but there's an extra layer of complication.

I'm going to the bar, what can I get you?
No, no I'll get my own. I'm only staying for the one.
You're grand, you can get me the next time.

Now this is acceptable because person B has specified they will not be buying one back and person A has reoffered. Person A could still in this situation say ok no worries and they both buy separately and still be sound.

However if person B did not explain he wasn't staying then it's a raised eyebrow and if this is a pattern then he is so tight he would peel and orange in his pocket.

I was thinking the same, she is absolutely bang on with how she's explained it. It is the most Irish thing ever. We are friendly... We are hard to make friends with.

but that is the same as UK.

and again, that's the same as the UK as I know it. There was a post on here recently about neighbours and I commented that an old lady had given me similar advice when we bought our first house....to not be in a hurry to make friends with neighbours....friendly yes.... but making friends.....take your time.