Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

[Sillysandy]

I am Irish living in Ireland. My DH is British, he is an immigrant who grew up in London but had lived for 20 years in Ireland when I met him.

I discovered mumsnet about 8 years ago when I took on a sort of stepmum role and was flabbergasted at some of the stories, attitudes and opinions.

I still found the site extremely helpful, often giving me clarity on situations which would cause me a lot of angst.

However when I talk to friends and family members living in the UK I realise that a lot is to do with cultural differences.

It's amazing given how close geographically we are.

Attitudes to money, marriage, divorce, wedding gifts, abortion, house purchases, communication with friends are so far from anything I've seen in my circles.

To give my pov; (these are all generalisations) we get married later, we stay married, we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances, we are indirect about money "I'll get this one, you can get the next one (but it is LAW you only accept if you are buying back)" and sending bank details for a small amount would be horrifyingly rude, you only attend a wedding with a card containing at least 100 euro pp, you usually get married in your mid thirties, your kids are mainly all with the one father, we hide behind humour until we know a person very well, we don't report benefit fraud, we laugh a lot more... That's just off the top of my head.

The other thing is that most Irish people know all about English Irish historical tensions but many English people are utterly oblivious.

YABU You're talking out of your ass
YANBU The differences are enormous

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. In my line of work now I do a weekly call with my UK based team and I always notice subtle differences in attitude.

Takes that long to get divorced here most don' bother with a second wedding cos you would be attending your next spouses funeral sooner!

Funerals, weddings, attitude to money and humour all very different, as already mentioned,

I’m a Londoner with Irish parents. They’re country folk and death on the whole is still ‘done’ very differently.

Get a Mass said for the person,.obsessive listening to death notices on the radio (or now it’s checking RIP.ie), send a Mass card, go to the wake/funeral home and stand about chatting for ages, funeral, hotel meal afterwards, Month’s Mind, anniversary masses, go to the cemetery for the ‘pattern’….its a lot of rigmarole and my parents will do this for bloody everyone.

but I think so much healthier than the Brit attitude of few days off work for the funeral then shut up about it,

but I didn't want people to hold me up in my time of grief. I wanted to be left alone

Also Irish mammies want to keep their kids home as long as possible. I see a lot of 'ah but she/he is 18 and an adult now kick them out' or the idea that they would only be in your home till around that age. I am wording it wrong but I have noted in English relatives the expectation that their kids will move out after 18 is a normal thing but in Ireland we still are wrapping them in cotton wool at that age.

Well that’s because you likely have a different attitude towards grief and different expectations.

I find the communal nature of them comforting. It’s the sense of community. I feel like because there are a few days of “activities” around it where people are all just talking to you about your grief and generally being there for you. That it helps you accept the death. Spending time with the body, particularly in your home, is also very helpful for accepting that the person is dead.

I didn't need any help in accepting that any of my dead were actually dead. I totally accept that people need and choose different things; what I do mind is when a particular way is held up as "better" or condemned as "grim"

I went to the funeral of a friend's dad in Putney Vale Crematorium. He was Irish but living in London for many years. The priest had no idea who he was of course and kept referring to a scrap of paper with the name written on it. After twenty minutes of mumbling the coffin disappeared and off with us to the pub.

His daughter had flown in from Los Angeles. ' That was ghastly ' she said ' I don't feel I had a chance to say goodbye to him.' So it's one extreme to the other. Some will prefer to keep it small and quiet .

Ps. My Father's Wake by Kevin Toolis is a good book on the different attitudes to death and dying. He is Scottish but his family are from County Mayo.

😂😂😂 sorry, this made me laugh, and is definitely ‘anecdotal’ and NOT the norm!

@LittleSF - what rights do cohabiting couples have in Ireland? (Asking out of real interest - I've lived there but had no real idea about it)

Oh and also this 50/50 thing is basically only new here too like I dont know any split couple that have 50/50 where the man does not pay maintenance and the woman gets the cb. I dont actually think men can even get or apply for cb here at all 50/50 or not.

@LittleSF rights to what in reference to your cohabitating couples thing?

I have 50:50 and don’t get maintenance, I get the CB though.

"I'll get you a drink, no sit down, I'm getting this" Irish person goes to the bar, English person gratefully accepts the drink not realising it's understood that they must buy one back.
Same thing with the 'tight' English person who is thanked profusely for attending the wedding blissfully unaware they will be subjected to a complete character assassination privately for handing over an empty card.

I don't recognise this. I can't tell you the amount of times I've battled to get to the bar before an English person, especially if they're from the north. And as for not understanding we have to buy a drink back, that's not true at all. Your round, my round is very normal for us.

I've never been to a wedding empty handed and don't know any English person who has.

I'm from an Irish background and spent most of my childhood around the Irish in England and Ireland. I've lived in Ireland for many years now and overall, there's a definitely levity about them and they're very accommodating. They have a true confidence and are gifted verbally. I love the Irish and always look forward to coming back when I've been away. I do think that people in the north of England are similar. Not sure if I'm making any sense😬

£100 per person! Jesus. People on tight budgets must dread being invited to weddings.

It’s euros, not pounds, so not quite as bad 😅

I have never come across anywhere near the amount of moaning about being invited that I see regularly on Mn (though I don’t imagine Mn is representative of the British public on weddings any more than it is on regarding an unexpected ring at the door as an act of war).

Mainly if your living together and your partner dies you, and not his family, have the right to the house (you still have to pay inheritance tax though, which is obviously far more than if you were married).

It’s not automatic though - you have to register as a cohabiting couple when you buy the property.

(am not a legal expert though - just going on a conversation I had with a barrister friend once. So if anyone else has more knowledge on the matter please comment and if I’m wrong am happy to be corrected)

Making wills and getting married for financial reasons are things I bang on about to my kids.
I think it is widely acknowledged that the English relations don't understand the rules about paying for their dinner at a wedding...my kids are aware of the cost of travel, hotels, car hire etc. My neigwas correct when he said he preferred his January gas and electricity bills to a wedding invite. Although he said esb as we are in Cork.

@ACatNamedRobin
@Suednymph
https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/cohabiting-couples/legal-differences-between-cohabitation-and-marriage/

I'm from Northern Ireland and raised Catholic. There are differences between Catholic and Protestant attitudes growing up in NI. E.g I am one of 6 siblings, my husband who is from a protestant background is one of two. My family have wakes, drinks, huge funerals his family have much smaller funerals and no wake, alcohol. Obviously in the Catholic community things like divorce, abortion, unmarried pregnancy was a big scandal 30 odd years ago. Luckily things are much more progressive now and we are probably more aline with the UK in that regard. People aren't feeling the pressure to stay in unhappy and abusive marriages. Women have more rights and independence. That said I do think people are becoming a lot more selfish and entitled. So many people aren't 'kind' anymore or willing to communicate and forgive. I hate this block and move on culture (unless it's abusive) or not replying to people's messages for days. That wouldn't be the norm in my family or social group.

Watching Traitors Ireland atm.
OMG. So different to UK Traitors! 😂

The only thing that sounds different to me is abortion and the expensive wedding gifts (you only give loads to people youre closer to and i f you are middle class).

The other stuff seems similar to my circle in england.

Ireland is really, really white though- over 90% I think, and "living in sin" is not really frowned upon here (north or south) any more. It's just not a thing, and the phrase "out of wedlock" is a complete anachronism. Britain - well England anyway, is more multicultural with a larger proportion of Asian communities where I think you're more likely to be expected to get married before settling in and having children together so maybe that pulls the average age down.

The thing is, that comparing the uk and Ireland is like comparing apples and porcupines… Ireland is a small country. The diaspora is huge, but the country itself has about 5m people. The UK has about 70m… so of course a small country with a fairly homogenous culture will be very different to a large country ( in terms of numbers) with a very diverse population.
I’m not sure “ British culture” is a thing in the same way. I have British friends with all kinds of backgrounds, religions, ways of doing things. My family is itself a mix, of rural English and South Eastern European. Many of my friends who are British have roots in South Asia or Africa or the Middle East. We bring many cultural perspectives.
It’s not really comparable.