Re lost shoes at school

[Handrearedmagpie]

Really don't know how annoyed to be or if I should just suck it up.
DS attends SEN school. He has sensory issues so is terrible for taking his shoes off. I buy him (expensive) barefoot shoes as he is much more likely to keep these on.
There's a child in his class whose stim is to throw things into bushes. Every break/lunchtime staff have to look round the bushes to retrieve items she has thrown in as they know this is a regular thing.
A few days ago, my son had his shoes off & one of them was launched into the bushes & has went too far in to be found. Brand new shoes 🙄
AIBU to want the other parent to refund the cost of the shoes? I always take responsibility for anything my child does, ASN or not. I know my son shouldn't have had his shoes off, but that doesn't mean they can just be thrown away! If that's the case, there's a real risk I could be replacing shoes on a weekly basis if he's a shoe remover & she's a thrower.
I'm not blaming the child involved, or staff as they have enough to do keeping the kids safe, but also am annoyed that this could be a v expensive situation this year.

OP, if the school wouldn’t let you look for the shoes, and couldn’t find them themselves, then they should pay, surely? It sounds as though this situation might repeat itself - is there not something else your DS could do with his shoes once he’s taken them off, like put them in a bag or a plastic box or somewhere that this other child won’t be able to get hold of them? Sorry, but the school really needs to step up and help to find a solution for this situation. It’s hardly the other parents’ fault if they weren’t even there!

As a SEND school teacher I can’t tell you how often things like this have happened. Children throwing their/others shoes/bags/toys over fences into the schools totally uncooperative neighbours who refuse to return things, shoes on the roof (and now our school has been told the premises team are not allowed past a certain point of the roof to retrieve things which is extremely tricky) it’s a very difficult thing to manage and fortunately the majority of our parents are very understanding of their child’s needs and the fact that they have classmates who can’t always control their impulses. I would suggest going back to the school, our premises team are very helpful and would do their absolute best to retrieve the item in question if they possibly could including cutting back bushes etc.

This is on the school, not the other parent, or either of the children. Do you get DLA for him? I do for DD, and I’d be annoyed but accept that this is partly what DLA is for!

Another vote for being annoyed at the school not letting you look in the bushes!

I'd be asking them for some money towards it. Appreciate they may not have time but no reason to not let you have a look x

Agree this is not the other parents problem. They were not with the child at the time. Their child has needs surrounding throwing, yours has needs surrounding footwear, both in a sen setting. Yes it's frustrating his shoes were thrown, but then maybe it's a risk having expensive shoes going elsewhere and I like the suggestions of buying second hand or looking for cheaper alternatives - how old is he as some supermarkets now do more barefoot friendly options for little ones.

I would be talking to the school about what they could put in place to prevent this happening again - is he always with this child at the same time for example? Could they help support him with keeping shoes on his feet when outside - 'shoes outside, shoes off inside' so that if he is outside there is no way these shoes can be available to be thrown somewhere that is tricky to find.
I also agree with crocs as in mainstream many of our sen children wear these as they are easy to slip on and off, which maybe your son would like.

No they shouldn't have to pay. Just as you are unable to control if your child removes them, that parent is also in the same position.

Perhaps buy cheaper shoes in future if they will be removed anyway.

Can you try to retrieve them yourself?

I've had lots of things lost/missing over the years. Unfortunately it's one of those losses you have accept.

Think I agree with the people saying it's unfair to bill the child's parents

It's the school's fault here isn't it
The parents weren't in charge at the time
Maybe if they were then I might agree

Many pet dogs, these days, are scent-trained. A working cocker spaniel, given the scent of the remaining shoe, would get in the cover and retrieve the shoe.

You can’t ask another parent to pay for your child’s choice of expensive shoes.

This isn’t just a one-off “kids being kids” situation but something that could easily repeat.
Taking it up with the school feels like the fairest and most constructive path.

Its a tricky one, but it isnt the other parents fault that the school isnt effectively managing this known stim the child has. Just like yours takes their shoes off, they throw things and I expect you'd feel upset and annoyed if people wanted to blame you for the fact he had his shoes off when this is something he struggles with. Id be speaking to the school certainly, if they truly cannot manage this then they need to let you look as soon as you offer.

I’d go to the school today and tell them that they either let you search the bushes yourself or they pay for a new pair of shoes out of school funds. It’s no one’s fault that it happened really (both kids have SEN and the staff can’t watch every child every second), but to ban you from trying to find them yourself is totally unreasonable. I very much doubt the staff have had enough time to do as thorough a search as a parent would.

There are 2 children responsible here - your DS who removed his shoes, and the other child who threw them. I’m assuming that neither child can help what they do - shoe removal / throwing things - so why is it automatically the responsibility of only 1 party to replace the shoes?
If I were you I’d be going down to the school with some garden tools and search the bushes myself to find the shoe.
If your DS is removing very expensive shoes then they’re not the solution to his shoe removing issue are they? Expensive doesnt always equate to comfort.

I'd go and look myself. I'd also suggest they look for a solution - fence off the bushes, keep the other child away from them, cut them down. It's ridiculous other children can just lose their possessions because of one child, whatever her issues and needs.

I see they have said you can't look. I don't think that's reasonable and I would insist on doing so. It's your property. And wholly the school's responsibility, not the other parents'.

@Handrearedmagpie have they said you can't look at all, or can't look during school hours?

Take shears to the bushes or ask school to.

Yabu to expect the other parent to pay for the shoes. They could argue if your son hadnt taken shoes off then their child couldn't have thrown them.

Firmly ask the school everyday about the shoes.

I would go back to the school and just say you will need to look in the bushes yourself, if staff can’t find them. I doubt they will ban you from the premises. Be assertive

I havent tried Crocs actually - that could be a good call! .school are VERY flexible about uniform.

So update is that i got back to school to reiterate that i was happy to come & look for the shoe myself (school grounds are locked with high fences or I'd have been in searching on day 1! ). School then let me know that they have ordered a replacement pair of shoes on this occasion, as they are aware of the circumstances around both children's needs.
Going forward, son had been doing so much better at keeping his shoes on with the barefoot shoes & is also good at knowing where they have to go at home when he takes them off, so hopefully school can encourage him to put them in one safe spot and continue to do their best to keep eyes on the throwing child. It's no-ones fault really, i was just annoyed that he'd only got a few days wear out of them!
Also going to order crocs to see if they could be a good (read:cheaper);in school shoe alternative! 🤣

That’s a good result OP
Hope he can tolerate Crocs.

Sounds like a positive outcome. Just shows that schools aren't always the enemy and will try and work with parents as best they can. I imagine they will soon make changes to ensure it doesn't happen again as I doubt they want to or have the funds to keep replacing lost shoes, so for them it will definitely be easier to change which children go out together or work with your son about keeping shoes in a safe place.

I think the school is at fault here. I wouldn’t have left the school grounds on the day it happened until the shoe had been found.

that is a good outcome that the school has re-ordered. I think it is their problem if a child in their care doesn’t have a shoe. Jumpers I think are different but shoes are expensive and needed for safety of the child so should have been found asap.