To ask DH to keep our BTL

[Nosdoc]

We own a BTL property that generates a decent income for me - it’s set up so that most of the income is directed to me. DH plans to refurbish and sell the property and us the proceeds to pay of the mortgage on our house. All very sensible but as I don’t work, the BTL is my only source of income. DH doesn’t plan on reducing the monthly payments on our mortgage, but he is going to reduce the term, so we won’t see any immediate benefit from lower repayments. I am feeling distressed because this money provides me with considerable financial freedom.

My husband is refusing to discuss and has told me the plan to sell is final.

So it’ll be a change from having your own money with no oversight from him, to taking money from a joint account where he can see every transaction?
I do understand why he’s selling if the property was his in the first place and it’s a headache in terms of ongoing expenses but it’s not reasonable for him to expect you to accept a big change in your financial circumstances with no discussion or explanation.
Why not just have him transfer you the amount you were getting from the BTL into your current account, that way you’re in the same position financially? Would he say he can’t afford to do that? Is he expecting you to reduce your outgoings?

All jointly owned property is owned on a presumed trust for sale. There's a default presumption that the property will be sold if one owner wants to sell. Without OP's consent to sell, the husband will need to do is apply the court to force a sale and it will be granted if the court decides on balance this is a fair and balanced outcome. As the property is not the family home and, given the history of ownership pre marriage, and the OP's lack of practical and financial input into the property, I reckon he has a good chance of getting an order for sale. The OP will receive her share of the equity, so she could well be quids in. I imagine the marriage will be over, though.

Nothing wrong at all with women having jobs, of course not. But there are a lot of conditions that are needed for it to be actually worthwhile financially and manageable. And many men and workplaces have evolved very little in the time since women joined the workforce en masse to actually make it fair on many women and children. There are good reasons why so many women are craving the tradwife mirage and it’s not because women are work shy or crave domination. It’s because all the physical and emotional labour of caring for children is held in contempt - even here on Mumsnet, and women are realising how intensely costly motherhood actually is. Any woman who dares to focus on her children or unpaid pursuits a single day after the youngest enters primary is considered reprehensible and her husband entitled to limit her to bed and board at the absolute most, no matter what he earns and how little he does in the home, or how much she contributes (unpaid) to the school, community, extended family or special needs/education/wellbeing of their children.

It appears that her husband is paying private school fees for 4+ children (the OP’s child, their joint children, and his own children) - that alone is going to cost nearly 6 figures and as of January this year will also have got 20% more expensive with the introduction of VAT. They must also have a very significant mortgage if the proceeds from selling the BTL won’t actually clear the mortgage but just enable him to reduce the term.

he obviously earns a lot of money but they live an expensive and privileged lifestyle so it’s not hard to see how a lot of those earnings are swallowed up on their living expenses.

Our fees inc 7:45am to 6pm wrap around including a little tea for anyone there at 5.

He used the system and you just own it on paper then? He can do what he wants then

Your mentality is the reason MEN are now realising that marriage is not a good idea.

What is the difference please? do tell us

Life is meant for living” goes both ways. Sure, the partner who goes out to work carries the financial load, but the stay at home parent is carrying a different load that doesn’t show up on a payslip.
It’s not some glossy “Mad Men” fantasy, it’s just a practical division of roles that makes family life run smoother. A SAHM also saves the working parent from all that extra time and workload at home, which means he can focus on hobbies out side of work and then actually have time to relax when he gets in. As long as both people in the marriage agree and it works for them . Everyone life’s are not the same and have different set ups . Doesn’t mean one is right and one is wrong

@Nosdoc sounds like the arrangement is only convenient to you. He probably should sell and then you'd have the mortgage paid off quicker. He sounds sensible tbf. If you know your spendings are frivolous then they are.

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. We have agreed a way forward that works for everyone.

I don’t agree. Workplaces have evolved hugely. My older colleagues have a giggle about times when they’d see men in pubs or staying late at work to avoid bedtime. You don’t see that on scale anymore.

Things are not perfect - a lot of women still take a hit for maternity leave etc.

But they are far from what they were.

A lot of women don’t have the same interest in a career after children. I think that’s understandable but I don’t respect women who hold their partners to ransom by refusing to work, build up household chores to be something that would be insurmountable if they worked despite the fact that so many manage just fine.

It would be nice if you’d share an update on what this is, given the huge amount of advice and suggestions you’ve received on this thread.

Likely, you still won't work, he'll pay for everything including an external agency to manage the hmo so you don't have to and still get the money?

So drops the kids the school and a bit of light dusting .. maybe. My question remains - what work?

Yep!

I will look at working part time.

We sell the HMO and we’ll increase the cleaners’ hours.
Posters have made me release I need to do more.

Increase the cleaner rather than do it when you're not working and kids are at school? 😆

Let’s not bully or be unfair to the OP.

Im not of the view that she owed us an update, not to mind picking it apart.

The Op has asked for advice, taken it onboard & acted on it. Human nature often tempts us to be defensive or double down. It is to her credit that she hasn’t IMO.

So he has to carry working full time in what sounds like a fairly stressful job as well as managing and maintaining a building which needs constant work......work which you refuse to do as you've decided your incapable.

You on the other hand don't put anything into the pot, float around raising babies and spending the money from the building which he's earning as well as his own wage to support you and your dc.

Come on OP. Get some self respect and either get off your arse and get a job or take over maintaining the property which is currently sustaining you.

Yes you need to work. Considering you are sending children that aren’t your husbands to private school using the money from his rental home that he owned before he met you you’ve had a very good ride.

Time to start contributing more to the family. Your children are all at school and as they’re private they do longer school days meaning you have even more flexibility when it comes to looking for a job.

Always worth checking whether the OP has updated before posting...

Work it out for yourself.

Thank you for the update @Nosdoc It’s not easy to come back and update a post when you have received quite a lot of criticism (in your case some of it deserved, some of it a bit harsh).

And it’s great that you have taken on board the consensus that the best solution all round is to find part-time work.

When you have been a SAHM for many years it can seem really daunting, scary and damn right impossible to think of how to get back into work. I was in this position a few years ago - I’d been a SAHM for nearly a decade. I’ve managed to find work during school hours, 20 hours per week. It’s not much more than minimum wage, but it’s flexible hours, easy work, social and I get the job satisfaction of earning my own money again.

Make sure that DH understands and agrees that you going back to work means that he will have to take some share of the sick days with kids, school runs, taking a day off to cover inset days etc. Obviously proportionate to the days/hours you both work. He can’t expect you to work part-time and still do all the running of the household and childcare.

And I hope you can find a job that you actually really enjoy and improves the quality of your life. Good luck.

After your update I think you need to be working on equal downtime. It sounds like your DH does a lot outside of work in terms of managing properties, so things like that need to be factored in, as do commuting.

We are hoping to retire early and as such bought a doer upper and DH is much better at I am than some of the jobs. I don’t expect him to do equal housework and I wfh a lot where he doesn’t so I do more in the house than he does but we work as a team and divide and conquer