To ask DH to keep our BTL

[Nosdoc]

We own a BTL property that generates a decent income for me - it’s set up so that most of the income is directed to me. DH plans to refurbish and sell the property and us the proceeds to pay of the mortgage on our house. All very sensible but as I don’t work, the BTL is my only source of income. DH doesn’t plan on reducing the monthly payments on our mortgage, but he is going to reduce the term, so we won’t see any immediate benefit from lower repayments. I am feeling distressed because this money provides me with considerable financial freedom.

My husband is refusing to discuss and has told me the plan to sell is final.

And if she refuses to sell a property she didn’t pay for & doesn’t manage forcing DH to work longer than he wants to, and refuses to get a job? Could that not also be viewed as being “financial abusive”?

This was the post that really jumped out at me.

It was too much for the OP to do - when she has school hours to herself with a cleaner to help.

But it's just fine for her DH to do on top of a full time job.

I know who I think is being financially abused here..

If it is her only source of income because he doesn’t transfer money into her own account or she feels she has to justify her spending, there is an issue. Is she has no say in the selling of the property that is legally in her name so that he can avoid tax, then it is abusive. Any relationship where finances are not mutually discussed and joint decisions are made, where one party has to justify any small treats/frivolities because they aren’t allowed to spend their money without judgement, where one party is cut of from any income, where property is hidden from the tax man and put in the name of the other party… is potentially financially abusive.

I agree OP needs to explore returning to work if the children’s ages permit and they are in school or FT nursery.

He is married - it is not ‘his money’ that he is using the fund the BTL or their lifestyle. It is joint money that he earns to provide for his wife and children, presumably because they decided she would be SAHP at this stage of parenting. They are meant to be a team - be she has no power in this relationship. That is coercive and financially abusive. It’s why many women ‘cannot afford’ to leave spouses (which I think was the subject of a few news articles this week).

I think the issue with money is that she seems to have played the helpless card leaving him to manage it all while ensuring she has an income he can’t see how she spends

I imagine he is sick of managing the BTL on top of the job and her not taking any responsibility for what she spends

it is a very unhealthy dynamic - but I get the impression OP has been very happy to leave her DH in control of the money whilst having the financial freedom to do as she wishes.

DH is paying school fees for a child that isn’t his, on top of being the sole earner & paying for his own kids to attend private school. As well as being the sole earner he has to manage a BTL because OP wouldn’t. He also pays for a cleaner. She now also is considering blocking the sale of this BTL preventing him from retiring early.

It doesn’t sound like DH decided that OP should be a SAHP. It sounds like he wants a break.

Many men cannot afford to leave either as they can’t afford to maintain two households.

Ok tell him that he can sell it - but he has to start paying you a salary for the work you do with the home and the children. Being a SAHM is saving a fortune in nursery costs, so if your income while doing that is disappearing, he needs to provide an alternative, otherwise he can bid goodbye to his free childcare and you can get a job and pay the relative percentage of yours to his earnings towards childcare, cleaning, laundry and everything else you currently do because you’re not working!

She has access to their joint account.

It's normal for both partners to justify spending from a joint account (this is just called budgeting), especially on "small treats and frivolities" (I suspect they are not so small).

She isn't cut off from an income unless he is actually preventing her from getting a job, which she hasn't even hinted at.

1. children are in school not nursery;
2. the OP is saying she can’t get a job as she is a SAHM

OP doesn't do all the domestic side of things now. She's already said they have a cleaner. I suspect there's more help floating around that she hasn't mentioned yet.

I am a financial adviser and one of my great aims to bring women to the table when I take on clients. It is so disheartening to hear "oh my husband deals with all that".

Both spouses, as a minimum, need to understand what assets they have, what income they have, and what they're expenditure is.

Too many times I've seen widows all at sea because they haven't a clue what they have and where they have it.

Also, you see those sad face Daily Mail articles where the husband takes out a single life annuity (for the maximum income!) then promptly dies, and the widow is left with nothing. Of course its "the bankers, the insurance company and the evil IFA" that are to blame, not our dear old Gerald.

My advice to the OP is to sit down with your husband. Get on the same page. Talk about what you both want out of life, and how you will use your assets, incomes and potential incomes to reach those goals.

It appears to me like you are both in your silos and not seeing beyond the end of your nose, let alone each others perspectives.

You are married, Talk to each other. If he truly won't engage, maybe then you might want to consider whether the control exerted is a marriage or a captive situation that you would be better out of.

plenty of parents work instead of relying on their partner for every penny what will you do if you ever split up you will be relying on benefits for every penny

If you seriously can't manage it during the time you have available when the children are in school, then employ agents to do it.

The kids are school age, there are no nursery costs. As for the work at home, he already pays for a cleaner through the btl income as well as paying for her child's private school. He also manages the other property. The OP is not a victim here.

what like a paid housekeeper and childminder seriously bad advice she should stand on her own two feet instead of having to ask for an allowance like a teenager it 2025 not 1950s

I don't know why people keep making this ridiculous statement.

Yes, OP should suggest it. DH can pay her for an hour's care before school, a couple of hours after school, and - say- a couple of hours of housework. At the going rate for a childminder and cleaner.
And since OP now has a salary she will need to pay her share of household bills and all of her DC's private school fees, because she can bid goodbye to DH paying for free board and lodging and her DC's costs and everything else he currently does because she's not working.

Anyone think that's a good deal for OP? I don't.

God I wish this was my dilemma...

Exactly this! These people live in a world most people posting on here don't understand. It is a lifestyle choice for both of them and both benefit in different ways. If he wants to arbitrarily change their arrangement entirely to his benefit, that suggests something is up. He has all the power here and the OP is at his mercy. In these families in my experience, most wives don't work while the children are at primary school or even secondary, as for starters they usually have to drive them to and from school, as they tend to live away from public transport and miles from the private school, and if they do get a job later, it is more to give them a new role, not for the money.

It's not financial independence

She's said she'd use the joint account but doesn't want to as he'd see what she's spending on and ask questions.

If he wants to arbitrarily change their arrangement entirely to his benefit, that suggests something is up.

He's made it clear what's up. He wants to set up his retirement. He's knackered. He works full time and also has to manage a rental property that's clearly a time sink as his wife couldn't even manage it in five days of school hours that she has available. Also there appear to be other rental properties.

OP seems to have absolutely no empathy for the stress he's under. She just wants her free money.

If you're the one who wants to keep it, you'll need to take over doing the work for it. I should think that's pretty obvious.

FFS she has a cleaner

Except there’s no nursery cost. The kids are in school. And she has a cleaner. So the work she does is ?….

I bet she has to drive them miles to and from school every day for starters. And a cleaner comes in to do a thorough clean once or twice a week - it doesnt mean you dont have nothing to do on top. In a big house there is always stuff to do in my experience.

You're making a lot of assumptions about the "type of family" they are. But even if OP was hoping to be a lady who lunches forever, her DH is allowed to decide he no longer wants to work himself to the bone to facilitate it. For goodness sake he's reducing his workload a bit, not shipping her off to a gulag.
Marriages should never be built upon an expectation that one party will provide a certain lifestyle forever more with no compromise. What on earth.