To ask DH to keep our BTL

[Nosdoc]

We own a BTL property that generates a decent income for me - it’s set up so that most of the income is directed to me. DH plans to refurbish and sell the property and us the proceeds to pay of the mortgage on our house. All very sensible but as I don’t work, the BTL is my only source of income. DH doesn’t plan on reducing the monthly payments on our mortgage, but he is going to reduce the term, so we won’t see any immediate benefit from lower repayments. I am feeling distressed because this money provides me with considerable financial freedom.

My husband is refusing to discuss and has told me the plan to sell is final.

This! It seems like a lot of things were not discussed clearly. I have seen a lot of women who were SAHM whose husbands expected them to go back to work when the kids went to school, and several who found that very traumatic or who flatly did not want to. I dont feel it is reasonable to expect to continue to SAHM to be honest, but I can also see it is hard to change or give up.

Or there has been, but OP just isn't sharing her DH's POV about it.

He/they (plural) have been benefitting from the use of her identity, a benefit he wouldn’t be getting if it weren’t for their relationship. In that way he has avoided (legally) paying some tax, so she is rightly entitled to that dividend for herself, which he seems to have recognised. Now that he doesn’t want to use her/their marriage like that anymore he is trying to force her to end the deal, to her detriment. She is right to put up a fight if she doesn’t agree. However, if she can’t hold onto the property independently from him ultimately she will have to sell. But she is entitled to seek advice and try to find an alternative source of income first, whilst setting new terms in the household about who will cover the work she currently does ‘for free’ as a SAHM.

All I’m saying is, she needs to take control and recognise that the use of her identity and her ‘free labour’ in marriage should always benefit both of them equally in the partnership, as should his paid labour. If he is anything like my dad, he won’t see it that way and he will take every advantage he can and leave her destitute when he tires of her because he was the one who ‘earned the money’. The OP needs to wake up and start protecting herself.

And if that's the "package" OP's DH wants why would he disrupt the setup by cutting off her only income? That doesn't make sense.

Listing tasks doesn’t elevate then to status of equivalent To a job
Housewife isn’t a job. Doing your own chores isn’t a job. Feeding your children isn’t a job

I don’t recognise it. I work with a lot of City workers and the majority are either gay, divorced or have working wives.

I’ll have to use our joint account but I now he’ll start making comments about my spending, in particular on things he considers superfluous

Ok, so he isn’t going to cut you off financially. He isn’t expecting you to work. The worst that’s going to happen is he will be able to see what you’re spending and comment on it.

If he thinks aspects of your spending are unreasonable, it seems sensible that you discuss this together like adults, rather than hiding it.

That said, there is the option to do your spending on a credit card paid off by the joint account - that way he can only see the credit card total not the individual items. But he may question the total. Or, of course, get a job.

FFS get back to work and stop moaning. Pay your own way in life like everyone else!

Oh but it must be, and because of the significant household income from the dh...
These sahms school run, ocado delivery and instructions for the cleaner is far more laborious than the plebian day to day tasks of parents who work full time and do these tasks...

Sorry. I don't know what to say to convince you. I used to work in the City and knew a variety of men with different domestic set ups. But in north Surrey, there are lots of communities like I described. I knew lots of these women.

Are women still really marrying men who “demand” they stay at home?

I wouldn’t marry a man who “demanded” I breathe in and out. The days of men “demanding” anything should, by now, be absolutely over.

More fool them.

Arran2024 I’m in SW London and there’s plenty round here. I know many.

It sounds like she may have some health issues, but that’s neither here nor there. Maybe she simply doesn’t want to work, and it’s not as if her husband has said he’d prefer her to. That’s really up to them. The original question was about a BTL one wants to sell and the other doesn’t that’s the actual issue. I don’t understand why people get so affected if someone chooses not to work. As long as they’re not claiming benefits, what’s the problem? And if her husband would like her to work that another discussion. But her husband hasn't actually said that , nor has she said she wants to work

So you don’t work , don’t maintain your btl, have your current DH pay for you and your child/ren’s private school fees…. I would be pretty surprised if your husband hasn’t regretted getting into this set up.

Do you look like Miranda Kerr? Your husband has a pretty shit deal.

So he's paying off the mortgage, so the money set aside each month for the mortgage he paid will now be freed up to either save or spend (ie covering your DC's school fees).

You, OP, need to get your priorities in order and find a part-time job as soon as possible. DH is tired of you having so much "fun cash" and wants you to contribute your fair share in this relationship.

Another one who is with your husband on this

Go get a Job?

Oh and this BTL is his premarital property - what do you actually bring to the table???

Not sure if demand is the right word but I’d definitely agree that there is a resurgence of women wanting to stay at home too. The tradwife trend, women looking for “providers”, etc, seems to be fairly popular among young women.

…..I assume none of them are contemplating that will it bite them back when they’re older but that’s life experience, I guess.

Exactlypeople live differently, and what works for one might not work for another. I don’t think her husband is going to leave her over a disagreement about selling a property. But Mumsnet does tend to recommend divorce at the drop of a hat. Thankfully, in the real world, most people take marriage more seriously.

Sounds to me like you don’t have a strong marriage, your husband deciding to sell the property without discussing it with you and you are afraid to discuss family finances with him…..you need to get a job for a few reasons, no.1 being that your marriage may end so you need to protect yourself, no.2 it may ease the financial pressure that your husband seems to be under, no.3 is that your kids are in school so you could look at getting something at least part time

Oh I fucking hate tge answers ‘just get a job’…

The OP and her dh DO NOT need the income of her working.
It’s totally ok fur the OP and her dh to agree that her being a SAHM job is the best fur their family. No one, none of the posters on here, should be judging that.

What is absolutely not ok is

• the OP’s making a unilateral financial decision wo having a chat with the OP about it. It doesn’t matter if it was his house before they got married. He was quite happy to transfer it to her when it suited him!
• the fact the OP is saying she has ‘no income’ aka she has no access to money unless it’s that one. Why? Why is tte money not pooled or ‘allowances’ (spending money) given to BOTH of them.

Thats not what a partnership looks like. And tge OP having a job usnt going to help that. Starting with the fact, if he is happy to withheld help re running tge BTL to force her to accept his decision, he is likeky to have the same attitude if she starts working - I’m not helping because you could/should be at home with the dcs.

If you want financial freedom you work and earn it. Either learn to manage the HMO or get a paid job. Your dh is tired of the financial burden and wants help.

@Arran2024 said that

Some high earning “want and demand” a SAHP, and they’re not necessarily “able to set the terms and conditions” while they’re with them.

If any woman is marrying a man who “demands” they stay home and be domesticated housewives and can’t have a say, they’re idiots.

That’s completely different to having agency to decide, and discuss with your partner that you want to be a trad wide, being told you have to be is 1950s nonsense and we shouldn’t be marrying it.

No he hasn’t said he wants her to work but I think people are slightly incredulous that the OP thinks she can demand he keep it when she puts no work in for it and just wants the money as her ‘income’

No1 - that she is likeky to end up needing a job sooner than she thinks is the only reason why the OP should look for a job. (And I agree it’s a very good reason)

The rest? Come on, they have several BTL! Theyre not struggling so much that the OP should help alleviate ‘the pressure of being the main earner’.