To ask what you think of a proposal after 1.5 years aged 35+?

[Evilwasp2]

Let's assume you're that age or over, recently moved in together, would an engagement at that time be obscene if you're both ready?
I don't get when people say 'Oh you first need to see how they act in a difficult situation/in an argument'.
These things can come after years and people can change, hence people divorcing.

No. Perfectly normal at that age! You’re pretty settled by then and know if it works

How long have they lived together? I would say less than 3-6 months is not enough time to see all the flaws of the person.
Otherwise a 1.5 year relationship plus an engagement of another year in within the realms of normal for that age group.

Why do you need to see all the flaws? What if you just love them how they are?

I think if you don't know after 1.5 years you're probably not right together and/or one of you is employing avoidance tactics.

Fine. I was engaged around then.. maybe more like 2 yr mark
Married at 3 yrs
I'd want to cohabit premarriage though

Perfectly reasonable especially at that age. I feel that by that age you're more likely to know your own mind and be aware of what compromises you're willing to make. You're not likely to change drastically as people (without some other outside influence that you can't predict).

So yeah, I'd say it feels perfectly reasonable.

See i don't get this 'you need to see all their flaws' nobody is perfect, why can't someone just be loved and not constantly evaluated on a bloody scale

How well do they know each other? Friends before dating, or met online? Have they met each other's families and friends, and got to know them? Do their families know each other?

I think it's quite a short time tbh unless they knew each other beforehand. But I guess if you meet in your 30s you don't have as much time if you want to have kids etc after marriage

Depends if you are ready. I knew after a few weeks that dh and I were permanently together but we didn’t marry for quite a while (stuff like covid and me getting round to actually doing my divorce paperwork!)

The thing is, by 35yo you have probably had a few relationships and know what you want/don't want in a partner. you also know where you are regarding houseing/schools/kids/future plans. So if your partner is on the same page, go for it! Totally normal at that age.

I'm not convinced about the need to live together forst either TBH. IME the marriages where people have had a long cohabitation often end quickly, possibly because the wedding was a sticking plaster for a failing relationship.

My parents married after 6 months and are now their 56th year.

I was engaged after 9 months, never lived together beforehand and together and married 33 years.

Because the flaws might end up making you miserable. It might transpire that he has sexist views about housework, or is controlling of your friendships, or has funny ideas about money, etc etc.

A bad man can mask that stuff for 1.5y but maybe not 3y

Fine. All fine, fine fine and fine

Depends how long people have lived together. As people are on their best behaviour for the first 6-12 months and then they often change and show their bad habits. And bad habits that exist, seem worse after the honeymoon period is over. Some things like leaving toilet seat up are minor. But other 'flaws' that might develop, like being happy to sit gaming all night while your partner does all the housework, never clearing up after yourself etc etc can actually easily lead to resentment, and a split over time.

If you're happy with each other, then why not?
Some couples marry much sooner.
The man you marry, is never the same man you divorce.
People change, he might get better. 😜

That sounds completely normal to me.

DH and I got married VERY young and have grown up together in a way. We didn’t have time to get entrenched on how the house should be kept, budgets managed etc — we figured it out (mostly!) together.

OTOH friends who are our/your age are realising that some people have very fixed ideas (which is their perogative) but aren’t good at communicating or compromise (which can be a problem). Sometimes it’s laughable stuff which makes for a good story, other times it’s a bit more serious / fundamental…

i don’t think you necc need to live together or go through a crisis, but a lot of (honest) chats and what-ifs would probably be helpful?

I think it's probably ok if you've spent a fair bit of time together in the 1.5 years. Presumably you'll also be engaged for a while too before you actually marry.

You need to know the flaws to know whether they are a deal breaker for you. Perfectly possible to love people flaws and all, but some things are impossible for some people to live with. It’s not about evaluation or a scale at all.

I married after six months ,we have been married for 20 years now.

Because quite often people are assessing who they want to parents their children with, and you have a moral duty to a child to try not to give a child a parent who binge drinks excessively under work stress, gives you the silent treatment over arguments, or cannot deal with any kind of disagreement or being wrong and doesn't want to work on any problems - yes, a partner can turn at any time, but why not make sure you have seen someone stress tested so you can say with relative confidence 'this person isnt horribly abusive to me when the going gets tough'
Or another way to look at it, it's a good idea to research and get a good knowledge about who you are going into business with, and given that marriage is a legal contract that can affect your finances, and divorce is lengthy then it's literally just common sense to try and figure out if the person you are trying yourself to legally isnt going to turn in a monster?

Fine and normal by the time you are that age.

Nobody is perfect yes, but everybody is different which means that we are not all equally suited to every other human we meet.

I’d far rather figure out exactly who it is I’m with before marrying them and vice versa because actually love isn’t always enough if you’re quite simply incompatible or have real clashes and differences.

If there are no kids involved then I'd go for it. DH and I were married in that time in our early twenties but the entire risk was on ourselves.

DH lived 100 miles away, we rented an apartment after 9 weeks, together 19 years.