So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

[Thevegetarianchef]

So after a lifetime of anxiety and bouts of depression I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits.
This has been helpful with regard to work relationships.
Not so much my home life.At the weekend we met up with DD who left home nearly ten yrs ago.She lives hundreds of miles away so we see each other every few months.
We had all gone shopping not DHS favourite past time and were grabbing a coffee or going back.
They wanted coffee in a cosy cramped hot cafe.
I wasn't so sure.Off DD stomped and I know she gets handgry as this has happened before.
DH ran after her. We settled on good old Mand S which was spacious.
Am I unreasonable to expect anyone in my own family to realise I struggle and have always with cramped spaces or to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

To them you are the person you always have been. The diagnosis doesn't change that. It will probably help you understand yourself a bit more, and be interesting to you, but it isn't your whole identity and they don't want it to become that when they've known you for so long already.

Well they didn’t go to a cafe you liked in the end, I can’t see why everyone needs to go with your choice without having opinions if their own. Family involves compromise on all sides.

Sounds like you've gone on and on about it and they're all fed up. The diagnosis doesn't change you.

Sounds like you were all tired and hungry. Keep snacks in your bag.

You’ve detailed what your needs and wants were for the coffee.
but they are also people and they have their own set of needs and wants. And there was 2 of them.
I see you all went along with your choice in the end.
how often does that happen?

Sometimes you need to compromise. Like your husband did when he spent time shopping with you both even though he doesn't like shopping. If you are using your diagnosis to always get your own way then I can see why it's causing issues with them both. Especially because "autistic traits" could probably apply to a lot of people.

You’re not unreasonable to have a discussion with your family (or anyone) about why you’d prefer one venue over another. Just because you now have a diagnosis doesn’t mean your preferences become the default, that you can’t have a conversation or that your family (or indeed the world) has to shift around you. Being ‘lonely’ per your title vs not having your say-so about a choice of cafe, is a bit OTT and unyielding IMHO.

I'd expect people who are close to you to show you some understanding, consideration and kindness for your needs. I wouldn't expect them to want to learn extensively about what you are diagnosed with, different people are interested in different things and this might not be of much interest to them.

Yabu sorry.

I say that as someone on the waiting list for autism/ADHD assessments myself.

I totally get the struggle with finding somewhere to eat. Going into a cafe/restaurant can be hugely stressful for me for all sorts of reasons that I won’t bore you with.

But what I have realised is that it’s selfish of me to always want to have my choice (which can mean trailing around to find somewhere suitable) when my family are probably happy to go anywhere.

You might have to try to find compromise somewhere in this.

They moved, did they not?

A bit OTT.

You won’t get much understanding of late-diagnosis on here OP, so be prepared for a bit of a beating.

I’m late-diagnosed myself and one of the hardest parts has been the fact that nothing changed for anyone except me. To my family and friends, I’m just the same person with a diagnosis and they’re honestly not all that interested in the fact that I’ve always struggled with sensory overload or loud noises or certain textures.

To your DH and DD you are still the same person you’ve always been. They’ll never understand what your diagnosis means for you.

They’ve had enough of having their lives dictated to by you. A new diagnosis makes no difference to them. They’ve danced around you forever already. Your daughter was visiting after months separation. You’d think you’d allow her to choose.

You’re an adult who has coped this long. Don’t use a diagnosis as a get your own way card- and yes. I have my own diagnosis. It means you have to work harder to adapt not expect the world and everyone around you to adapt to you.

Does your DD have ND traits as well? I do, and when I have made a suggestion of where to go then I'm set on going there. If someone then changes that plan I get really stressed - even though I know it's not a big deal in the scheme of things my mind and body react in a negative way

Could you have coped in the cosy cafe? Have you managed before? If you could have and it was the nearest it would have been the quickest way of getting fed.

For what it's worth I hate crowded places so the M&S would have been my choice. I can see their pov too though.

You needed space, your DD was clearly very hungry for it to turn into hangry and needed food.

You got what you wanted, she got what she wanted but arguably yours took precedence in the moment. I don’t see the problem.

You could argue that you equally were not bothered about your daughter’s physical needs in that moment.

Life is a compromise, everyone has needs, we are all just trying to meet them and guaranteed the needs will not always align. When it comes to needs (not wants) one persons needs should not always take precedence over everyone elses. Compromise is required.

to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.

Oh don't be one of those bores. This is what I never understand about late diagnosed neurodiversity. As they are neuro developmental conditions, they will have been present from birth.

You've always had it. They've never known you without it. You got this far. Suddenly, when there's a diagnosis, it's somebody's new favorite toy, and it's all they can talk about to explain themselves. Whereas everybody around them is just saying, but this is who you've always been.

I do wonder if you're now saying you can't cope with noise levels or cramped because you're autistic. I wonder how many times a day tou re using autism to excuse things, you can't do or don't want to do.

My partner does this. Just say you don't like a hot cramped cafe would like to go somewhere else. Don't say you can't go there because you're autistic and you find it triggers your autism and go off into a speech about it. Honestly it's boring. Nobody needs to hear about it a hundred times a day, or read articles about it.

As it is, they did what you wanted and went somewhere.You wanted to go, so you got your own way anyway, so I don't know why you're complaining. M and S cafe is shit so I would have been pissed off for having to go there. But they both yielded to what you wanted.

Your post comes across is extremely dramatic.They don't understand you because they dared suggest a cafe that might trigger your autism. Please don't start that. It's not what's going on here. People are allowed preferences even with autistic person who consistently puts themselves above the entire family.

I have noticed in autistic relationships, and I m in one myself.That you end up giving way to them constantly, because they use autism as a get out of jail card and an excuse for everything, they don't want to do..Despite it not having been used before the diagnosis. All you're going to do is alienate your family, and then you're going to feel even more lonely. If you didn't like the cafe, just say so, don't get on your soapbox about being autistic.

You've also said autistic traits not actual.autism. Many people could be diagnosed with them. Lonely and misunderstood, because they picked a cafe yiu didn't like. Do you catastrophise much

She’s a bit pathetic to be stomping off like a teenager.

I have a late diagnosis for bipolar, which didn’t happen until I finally fell of the metaphorical cliff and was sectioned during an episode of hypomania in my 50s. One of the things I value is is that it changed nothing for my family, friends of community. I came out of hospital a month later and everything and everyone was the same. My DH did wrap me in cotton wool for around a year, which was helpful but I was pleased when that stopped too. The diagnosis has been useful for me, as medication has helped and after a life of worrying I was an over-complainer, my medical team now know I’m a bit of an under-complainer. I do think about it a lot and use those thoughts to inform my choices in order to keep myself on an even but it would bore those around me, especially my kids if they were expected to accommodate it.

Sounds like you are overbearing esp since your diagnosis. Sending your DH articles to read? really?
He has been married to you for a long time so you are the same person regardless of diagnosis. I have 2 DC on the spectrum so understand the challenges but I find people who harp on about their diagnosis and share articles (have come across them) etc very tedious and hard work. You all sound very me me me. Sorry.

I do wonder if DD has similar traits.
When we lived as a family we would compromise they would get burgers and shakes while I shopped.
Tbh my struggles with small spaces has prevented me getting on public transport,eating out or previously even getting to see DD.
Theatre cinema etc has been a big no no.
You are right though the world does not revolve around me.
I just hoped they wouldn't storm off ahead like I was being weird.
This makes me feel more isolated due to rejection sensitivity.
I have had CBT for years before my diagnosis.

I would find all this very hard to live with in a partner or mum. They are fed up with everything being about you. It's too much hard work.

@tumblingdowntherabbitholeunderstanding sensory overload is absolutely fine, but what it doesn’t mean is the person with ADHD gets what they want all the time. They had already gone shopping which the DH didn’t want to do. Then they ended up having a coffee where he didn’t want.
the op just needs to be prepared for stuff like this, maybe with noise cancelling headphones etc rather than the expectation that her and only her needs are always met.
and then not only has she got what she wanted, but more than that, the op is also saying if she doesn’t get what she wants at all times, she will feel lonely and unwanted.
my advice to you op, is to accept that yes you don’t like a noisy cafe, and that’s absolutely fine you don’t have to like it, you can avoid them - but also learn that other people do like that and in a group it’s about compromise.

See my partner is the autistic one. But when we were on holiday and got caught up in a festival that we didn't know about the public transport was absolutely rammed like sardines.

I said to him, I can't do this. I don't like enclosed spaces.And as far as I know, i'm not autistic.

Enclosed spaces, especially rammed public transport, makes me panic. Because there's nothing you can do.You can't move and you can't get off your trapped.And I hate that trapped feeling.

Even on my daily commute home from work.If the train is rammed, I will let it go and get the next one.

I wanted to get a taxi and I said, I d pay for it. His autism said he can't get a taxi as he wonders if it will go the right way. I had to give way to the hallowed special autistic person who must always get their way. He can't do taxis, so we have to do what I can't do.

I was the one who had an absolute meltdown on the transport crushed, in like sardines, just because it's what he wanted, because he can't cope with the taxi. He was furious and annoyed with me.For panicking, when I deal with him, panicking on a daily basis.

I don't think autistic people realize how fucking selfish they are sometimes. They can never, ever ever, just give way to their partners needs for once. Everything has to be about them.

Hangry? I assume your DD is in her 20s if not 30s. She sounds very childish.

Trailing around looking for a cafe that suits everyone is painful.

Ilovewhales I didn't say it was because of my ADHD.
I hesitated because I could see it was cramped and most likely hot.
I think it's better to be honest than being miserable which is why I rarely go out and spoil others time.