So lonely even DD and DH don't understand me.

[Thevegetarianchef]

So after a lifetime of anxiety and bouts of depression I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits.
This has been helpful with regard to work relationships.
Not so much my home life.At the weekend we met up with DD who left home nearly ten yrs ago.She lives hundreds of miles away so we see each other every few months.
We had all gone shopping not DHS favourite past time and were grabbing a coffee or going back.
They wanted coffee in a cosy cramped hot cafe.
I wasn't so sure.Off DD stomped and I know she gets handgry as this has happened before.
DH ran after her. We settled on good old Mand S which was spacious.
Am I unreasonable to expect anyone in my own family to realise I struggle and have always with cramped spaces or to find out about my diagnosis as DH said I Keep going on about it.I have linked articles for him to read to understand.
I feel so lonely and misunderstood and isolated already.

Your adult DD stomped off like a teenager because she didn’t get to sit in the first cafe? FFS

To be fair, the DD is also an adult, and too old to be giving in to “hanger”.

But if you read all the posts, you'll see that the o p never goes to the theatre or the cinema or goes anywhere, she doesn't like or even goes to visit her own daughter.

Daughter has to do all the running.Despite living several hours ago and growing up with a mum who won't even go to the cinema as it freaks her out.Maybe her daughters had enough.

Her daughters come all that way to see her parents, and she couldn't even choose a cafe. It might trigger mum.

First and foremost, you are a person in your own right.

My brain totally remapped after I was diagnosed, I slept way more and instead of trying to think in straight lines, I now think in 3D. So much better. As my DH said at the time, a dx changes everything and nothing. He's so much better at knowing how to manage me now (for want of a better phrase) and being trapped in a small cafe would put me right on edge.

The OP has a right to be comfortable but maybe could have handled it better by organising the cafe stop earlier and knowing where might have been suitable. But you do need to externalise your needs and also sometimes work with yourself to compromise, it's a constant exhausting effort that NT people just won't understand. I get quite upset when I fail to manage my adhd and people comment...give yourself time to adjust. I think once I knew my ability to mask stopped and whilst it's better, it's not always helpful.

I can relate. If I'm dysregulated I simply can no longer cope the way I used to; I spent years and years working really hard to keep on top of It but now I'm hanging on by a thread. It happens to women with ADHD in midlife because of the loss of hormones that smooth the edges just a bit.

I'm sorry, it sucks. I don't think they'll understand - they aren't inside your head. And it's quite likely your daughter has ADHD as well tbf.

Did she travel hundreds of miles to see you on the same day that you shut down the cafe she was heading to to get a bite to eat and drink?

She hasn't been shutting up and masking though. She has been avoiding visiting her daughter, eating out, going to the theatre or cimema, or going anywhere for years, as I understand.

So the whole family has suffered from the lack of an accurate diagnosis. Her daughter and DH have temper issues. They have all been chronically dysregulated.

Yes OP has loads of work to do on herself. Read the post above from the person who said her diagnosis remapped her brain, it's brilliantly put.

I just don't like the dismissive judgey tone of many posters assuming the OP is just selfish when really she's an unskilful person trying to manage her and her family's emotions with ND.

Katemiskin thank you.
You are spot on and very helpful.
Many years ago I had panic attacks and an eating disorder as a teen.
Trying to fit in and be like others has been really exhausting.
You are right though they will have their own thoughts and I need a decent therapist.

I try to saynthis gently but perhaps your daughter has had enough your anxiety condition controlling situations - what they can and cant do

Tbh it isn’t your partner’s ASD that’s the problem, it’s his selfishness. That behaviour from him was utterly unacceptable. I’m autistic and no way would I have done that. Sometimes we all have to do things we really don’t want to, in order to help or support our loved ones. It sounds like he expects all the compromise to be from your side, which isn’t ok. I’d imagine it makes you pretty wary of autistic people as you will be (consciously or not) expecting them to be selfish, when I promise that just like neurotypicals, some are but some aren’t!

Honeyhoneyhowyouthrillme.
Sorry you have experienced this.The hormones did make the wheels fall off.
I'm on the up though being able to travel after many years of missing holidays.
It is a real knock to confidence and I'm trying to reassess my life.

I'm glad to hear you're on the up. What a brilliant thing to be able to travel again! I've started HRT and it's helped a lot, and my sleep has improved. As you know, patience with yourself is important. Patience with others is part of it too - it'd be nice if they could understand but on the other hand, it's challenging to absorb stress and anxiety no matter how much you might love the person.

You're not alone.

I am also late diagnosed. It has made my behaviour make sense TO ME because now I know I do certain things because of the way my brain is wired. But to everyone else I am still me. And throwing around phrases like 'I'm disregulated!'makes me sound like a dick, as though I'm inventing excuses for behaving badly. I've had years of learning to mask, so when I'm out in public and HAVING to behave a certain way, or at work, then I mask. Because it makes life more pleasant for other people, and having masked for all these years I know it's not going to kill me.

Because, basically, nobody else cares about your diagnosis. It's tough, because you want to talk to everyone about it, you want life to make sense now. But it doesn't affect them, so they aren't bothered. You were you before, and you are still you now, and life is all about compromise as it always was.

Sounds like you’re all dysregulated and handling things in ways that don’t benefit one another. Food/stopping always needs to happen at some point during a day out, it would have been better to point out (probably for the millionth time) that you don’t like stuffy crowded places to eat, and agree on a place before everyone has had enough and needs food and desperate for a sit down. Your DH and DD having massive strops and storming off is not normal or OK in most adults and should be addressed as an issue in its own right. You all need to think about your psychological and emotional behaviours and lay it all out on the table and address them. It’s not all on you OP, but everyone has their own work to do here - it’s not like you’re hard work and they’re doing everything right.

Goodness... if you exchanged ADHD and autism for any other disability people would be up in arms about your family not being supportive or learning more about your condition.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I was told I am extremely high masking and that I am at risk of burnout because of this. I'm also likely autistic but didn't take the full assessment. The masking is a huge problem, and always has been. My hope for diagnosis is to find some ADHD coaching to try and help with this.

I discovered my traits when my chikd was diagnosed and I read more about it. It is very common for ADHD and autism to run in families but so for like to attract like. So perhaps there is ND in your OH and daughter?

Actually now with your update, I am not sure what's going on. Quite a lot, I think.

I disagree.

Lots of NT have issues like anxiety and the ND person doesn’t get to trump them just because they’re ND.

There are also lots of NT people who are undiagnosed.
As ND is genetic then it’s likely DD is also ND.

The diagnosis is completely irrelevant in this case.

Usually it’s about compromise but as DD lives hundreds of miles away then it’s her choice on the activity.
If OP didn’t like it then she could have gone somewhere else.

Most autistic / adhd, if not all of them can't do anything they don't want to do. If you'll see from the wife and mother, she can't even go to a cafe her daughter wants. So her asd isnt to blame either she is just selfish.

Sunshine244 thank you.I agree.

Anxiety, ocd, claustrophobia, depression etc any mental health issue can occur in NT people.

But NT people just have to suck it up and ignore because of the ND person. Thsts why there is so much defensiveness. Perfection is expected from NT people.

YANBU .i struggle massively socially. I avoid most restaurants and coffeeshops as they are too busy and I can’t relax. I am usually better on holiday away from the city. I always say to my relatives you are welcome to go there I don’t want to hold them back and spoil their fun but at the same time I just struggle so much if I try and just go. Just wanted to say I understand really.

All of this. Not sure why you are even mentioning your ADHD diagnosis to be honest OP. You just didn't want to go to a busy cafe and they did. You got your own way. End of story.

I completely agree.

This is why we have so many people trying to get a diagnosis or self diagnosing because apparently you can only have these struggles if you are ND.
It seems you are not taken seriously unless you have a diagnosis of being ND.

And there are lots of ND people who are undiagnosed and it’s genetic so DD is likely to also be ND. But as she’s not diagnosed then apparently she should act different and do what suits OP.

It sounds to me like there is a lot of undiagnosed autism in your family- like mine. 3 diagnosed autistic kids and with hindsight myself and dh are also autistic. This means life can be messy, chaotic and tempers can flare. The important part is to talk about it and acknowledge what’s going on. Discuss what different family members find hard and try not to have too many things going on at once. We are now at the stage where we can (gently) joke about how dad can’t cope with anyone in the kitchen at the same time as him. I know I need a lot of down time so that I can manage sorting out the kids. We get that dd gets upset if someone talks over her by accident. If myself or dh lose it and say or do something imperfect we apologise to whoever was affected and we expect dc to do the same. We all have different things that are important to us and do our best to factor this in.

I always find these threads interesting.

If the OP were in a wheelchair and the facility had access issues for wheelchairs what would everyone say then?