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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One working parent

119 replies

Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 20:49

Under wrong topic but looking for advice from other families where maybe just one parent works?
we have two children aged 4 and 1 who attend school and nursery. We have recently just cleared a huge chunk of debt (8k). My partner is incredibly unhappy in his job and I can see it’s affecting his MH daily. Works on site no flexibility long hours and earning minimum wage. I work 4 days, have flexibility and still come out with more than him.
Now - we are thinking for me to continue working as normal (I have a great work life balance). And my partner take some time out, to be more present with the kids. He’s an amazing dad and would love to be around more, he also would like to see how he can start to make a passive income.
We can pay all bills and just about get by on one wage - we would just have to watch our spending more which is fine by me.

has anyone done this? I know it wouldn’t be a second question if it was the mother taking a career break but unfortunately it’s not common for the father to do this!

OP posts:
MyElatedUmberFinch · 08/09/2025 20:51

We did this with one full time high earning parent and one not working.

Ddakji · 08/09/2025 20:52

We did it but only one child. If you think you can make it work go for it.

Ddakji · 08/09/2025 20:54

However - same advice I’d give to a woman - he shouldn’t do this unless he’s married to you or has substantial savings. It’s a very bad idea to become financially dependant on someone you’re not married to.

SaladAndChipsForTea · 08/09/2025 20:56

How would it affect this kids? Would you be pulling them from nursery or leaving them in? Can he do the drop offs?

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 20:56

@Ddakji i see it as a partnership though, one day we will be married (been together 10 years). And it just makes sense, to improve his mental health and for our children to have both parents around a lot more. He wouldn’t not do anything, he has lots of dreams so having the time away from working on site would enable him to give something else a go

OP posts:
Original poster
Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 20:57

@SaladAndChipsForTea it wouldn’t affect the kids in any way! Routine would be exactly the same. He could do both drop offs and or pick ups, however because my job is also flexible I’d still like to be apart of it so we could probably split it throughout the week

OP posts:
Original poster
Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 20:58

@MyElatedUmberFinch how did the other parent eventually find going back in to work? Are you glad you did it? I just think that they’ll never be this young again, and I don’t want my partner to regret what time he has with them

OP posts:
atinydropofcherrysherry · 08/09/2025 21:00

Be aware ...according to this website, once a man does this, he never goes back to work.

Thepossibility · 08/09/2025 21:01

I'd want to do something like retrain for a better paying job in that time. Make steps to improve his prospects. Just having a giant gap of no work is not going to improve matters when he eventually goes back. Otherwise I suspect you will be supporting him (and struggling to get by) forevermore and growing more and more fed up about it.

jbm16 · 08/09/2025 21:04

atinydropofcherrysherry · 08/09/2025 21:00

Be aware ...according to this website, once a man does this, he never goes back to work.

Ha ha, my DD is off to uni next week and I've managed not to go back, time might be running out though 😀

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 21:07

@Thepossibility absolutely, he’s not the one to just sit around all day that’s just not in his nature. But I agree a clear plan beforehand would be helpful

OP posts:
Acornacorn2 · 08/09/2025 21:10

We did it. We are poorer but happier. Kids relationship with their dad is brilliant.

Merryoldgoat · 08/09/2025 21:11

I don’t have a problem with it in principle, but wouldn’t want to do so if I was only just getting by financially.

SaladAndChipsForTea · 08/09/2025 21:12

Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 21:07

@Thepossibility absolutely, he’s not the one to just sit around all day that’s just not in his nature. But I agree a clear plan beforehand would be helpful

But what will he do if kids ate out 4 days a week?

Can't he work part time?

KarmenPQZ · 08/09/2025 21:14

My SILs partner has mostly been a stay at home dad. It works well for them. I find it weird because my SIL has no clue about school drop offs, uniform, teacher names etc. I couldn’t be happy being as disengaged as she is.

I think over the course of 2 working careers one person taking a few years out is a drop in the ocean in terms of pay and pension sacrifice. As long as that’s all it is. If it turns into more than a couple of years it’s trickier.

if he’s not working will he at least do the washing, meal planning and shopping, cleaning etc?

how secure is your job as it puts a lot of pressure on the sole earner.

bootbootboot · 08/09/2025 21:15

If both children are in school and nursery this gives him opportunity in the day to retrain and improve his ability to get a job when needed. I think there needs to be a discussion around that, timescale wise. How long will he be out of work doing nothing to further his employment prospects, to collect himself before making moves to facilitate a new career?

This affects his ability to pay into a company pension so you may wish to consider a private pension as this situation may go on longer than both of you think. Also both of you lay out your expectations of what your new situation will look like. That is anything from meal planning, food shopping, school and house admin, housework and most importantly access to money and spending that money.

I was a long term sahm and @jbm16 my youngest is at uni but I won't be returning to work due to disability.

I should have added lots of Dads do drop off or pick up at the school my children were at. Lots had flexible working patterns or worked shift style jobs. Completely normal but not any SAHDs. He may find it very isolating and lonely.

Ddakji · 08/09/2025 21:16

Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 20:56

@Ddakji i see it as a partnership though, one day we will be married (been together 10 years). And it just makes sense, to improve his mental health and for our children to have both parents around a lot more. He wouldn’t not do anything, he has lots of dreams so having the time away from working on site would enable him to give something else a go

And I’m sure a lot of couples go into this with that mindset. Doesn’t mean that you don’t make yourself very vulnerable.
When we were living off DH’s income this was before we were married but I had substantial savings (so a small private income) and also owned the bulk of our house.
Women are always advised not to do this unless married. Just get married and then crack on!

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 21:24

@SaladAndChipsForTea what do you mean sorry? They would be in nursery / school throughout the day?

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Original poster
Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 21:25

@Acornacorn2 thats what’s more important to me! We already have our mortgage, car etc so we’re not already working towards the next big thing. Right now it’s all about time with the children

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 08/09/2025 21:26

Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 20:56

@Ddakji i see it as a partnership though, one day we will be married (been together 10 years). And it just makes sense, to improve his mental health and for our children to have both parents around a lot more. He wouldn’t not do anything, he has lots of dreams so having the time away from working on site would enable him to give something else a go

You should be married before you even consider this. Go to your local registry office. It doesn’t need to be a big expensive day. It’s about legally protecting yourself.

Hedgehogbrown · 08/09/2025 21:27

So they are n school? So what would he do? I would be cautious about him trying to get his passive income. That's obviously something we all want! If it was easy we would all do it. Can't he do dinner lady hours or something just to keep one foot in work. You don't want to be resentful in 10 years because he's not worked at all.

Callisto1 · 08/09/2025 21:28

It would make him very vulnerable as you’re not married. But if he is planning to retrain or find employment that makes him happier it could be a good idea short term.
In the usual SAHP set-up the person at home usually does the majority of housework, cooking and organising as well as most childcare and in return has access to the working parents funds. Your set-up requires no childcare so he should probably have some sort of goal for that time otherwise he might end up depressed and feeling useless after a while. It sounds more like he needs a while to re-evaluate his work life rather than becoming a SAHP.

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 21:28

@KarmenPQZ i couldn’t imagine that either! I guess I’d have to learn to try and let go a little haha (never going to happen)😂. But he’s already hands on with cooking and cleaning etc so it would be his responsibility to do so if we’re out all day etc. my job seems very secure but I have been made redundant in the past after years so I guess you never fully know hey? But I work in Human Resources with a qualification and years of experience, so worst case scenario I would be able to find another suitable job

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Original poster
Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 21:30

@DaisyChain505 im the only one on the mortgage as when we first got it my credit was always better so that doesn’t concern me if I’m honest

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FancyCatSlave · 08/09/2025 21:31

Don’t do it. If you ended up splitting you could find that he gets majority custody and you have to pay him maintenance. Fuck that.

He just needs to find a different job doing something he liked more. Not jack it in completely.

As someone who has been the main earner in the household and is now in a divorce, I say don’t set yourself up to have an adult dependent.