Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One working parent

119 replies

Virgovirgo · 08/09/2025 20:49

Under wrong topic but looking for advice from other families where maybe just one parent works?
we have two children aged 4 and 1 who attend school and nursery. We have recently just cleared a huge chunk of debt (8k). My partner is incredibly unhappy in his job and I can see it’s affecting his MH daily. Works on site no flexibility long hours and earning minimum wage. I work 4 days, have flexibility and still come out with more than him.
Now - we are thinking for me to continue working as normal (I have a great work life balance). And my partner take some time out, to be more present with the kids. He’s an amazing dad and would love to be around more, he also would like to see how he can start to make a passive income.
We can pay all bills and just about get by on one wage - we would just have to watch our spending more which is fine by me.

has anyone done this? I know it wouldn’t be a second question if it was the mother taking a career break but unfortunately it’s not common for the father to do this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 13:51

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams yeah I guess it’s because he’s not qualified. It’s just 3 years is a long time to be unhappy everyday …

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 09/09/2025 13:59

Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 13:46

@Donewithschoolruns maybe he just needs to bite the bullet and ask his employer if he can reduce his working hours 8am - 3pm everyday or something sensible. I think because he’s done with his employer he now thinks it is the trade. He says he’s sick of absolutely grafting all day, for no reward and thinks of the long term implications on his health e.g knees

Edited

What sort of hours does he work currently?

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 14:05

@Digdongdoo it varies. He can be out of the house from 6:30am and back by 5pm. Today he started at 8am which is a rarity but definitely won’t finish at your standard 4pm.
he does also have OCD - so I do think structure in terms of having set times when to start and finish would actually help him. He masks it very well at work though. But he can procrastinate, jobs feel bigger than what they are, battle negative thoughts in his head, overthink and worry… hates not being in control of his life. So I think it all links in and plays a huge factor in how he’s feeling

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 09/09/2025 14:14

Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 14:05

@Digdongdoo it varies. He can be out of the house from 6:30am and back by 5pm. Today he started at 8am which is a rarity but definitely won’t finish at your standard 4pm.
he does also have OCD - so I do think structure in terms of having set times when to start and finish would actually help him. He masks it very well at work though. But he can procrastinate, jobs feel bigger than what they are, battle negative thoughts in his head, overthink and worry… hates not being in control of his life. So I think it all links in and plays a huge factor in how he’s feeling

Out of house, and at work are different things though aren't they? 8-3 is going to be ambitious unless he's wanting to go part time (which is fine, if it works for both of you).
If he doesn't like the lack of control, then ecommerce isn't going to suit him (not that passive income really exists). Nor would being at home full time with a toddler. If he likes predictability he needs a regular old 9-5.
From what you've said, I wouldn't be encourage him to quit without a proper plan. I would be worried he will fall into a hole and not be able climb back out. I hate to say it, I'll probably get flamed, but he wouldn't be the first man to suddenly decide he wants to be a SAHD once the kids are settled into school and nursery.
I would tread carefully, protect yourself and your finances and only support him through a properly workable plan.

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 14:22

I know he’d be happy with an 8-3 of actual work. So that means 7:30am ish leaving time (depending on the job) and home by 4pm.
he doesn’t have experience in doing a regular 9-5 office based type of role. All of his roles have been shift work or longer hours so it’s hard to know what else he could do.
definitely lots of thinking for us to do, I want the best for him and not just the easy way out. I want him to feel motivated and like he’s contributing and I know he wouldn’t get that satisfaction if he wasn’t earning money

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 09/09/2025 14:27

I don't work, my husband does we have 4 kids

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 14:35

@Katemax82 does your husband earn a decent wage? And would you say you’re happy with how it works? I just wouldn’t want my partner to feel like he’s not contributing or providing although he would in other ways. It’s very hard isn’t it

OP posts:
WhitegreeNcandle · 09/09/2025 14:36

I don’t think I’d do this. The economy is precarious. You have a mortgage. You aren’t married. I think a family needs more than a 4 day a week income. If he’s at home I’d be upping my hours to full time. And I’d still expect him to work part time on top as well as doing the lions share of the housework.

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 14:49

@WhitegreeNcandle we have worked it out and financially everything would be covered. We would have to watch what we’re spending and would have to be extremely strict. But it is possible. But yes the economy right now is 🫠

OP posts:
CreteBound · 09/09/2025 14:55

I really don’t see how his sex makes a difference. But anyway he should protect himself by continuing to work in case you split up, same as if he was a woman

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 14:56

@CreteBound yeah I guess if it was me on the other hand I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable financially depending on anyone else, so I guess he probably wouldn’t either

OP posts:
Mustbethat · 09/09/2025 15:11

DaisyChain505 · 08/09/2025 21:26

You should be married before you even consider this. Go to your local registry office. It doesn’t need to be a big expensive day. It’s about legally protecting yourself.

Show quote history

Actually, she would be legally protecting her dh.

she’s the earner, has the assets. If they don’t marry she gets to keep them, if they marry he is entitled to half of everything.

in their case her protection is not getting married.

Iloveeverycat · 09/09/2025 15:12

Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 14:49

@WhitegreeNcandle we have worked it out and financially everything would be covered. We would have to watch what we’re spending and would have to be extremely strict. But it is possible. But yes the economy right now is 🫠

You will save more money if DC doesn't go to nursery at all. If he is at home he can look after them.

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 15:17

@Iloveeverycat definitely and I’m sure he’d enjoy that extra time with our youngest too. Going to have a proper chat and discuss all options. But I’d love for him to get qualified, I just understand how hard it must be everyday showing up and struggling. Especially for another 3 years…

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 09/09/2025 15:18

I couldn't find it anywhere on the thread, but wouldn't losing the funded childcare hours for working parents and the tax free childcare be an issue regarding your family budget?

It would mean 100s of £ to find each month if you want your 1 year old to attend several days a week...

sesquipedalian · 09/09/2025 15:23

“He has the illusion that working and making money online is the way forward because so many other people do it so why can’t he?”

OP, it really is an illusion! There really aren’t many people making money online, other than a very few social media influencers and Mr Amazon. If he hates his job, then perhaps he would be better reducing to three days a week rather than giving up altogether - it’s always easier to get a job from a job. That way, he would be contributing but he would have two days a week to think about what he wants to do. It’s all too easy to give up work and drift - and the current employment market is unforgiving.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/09/2025 15:25

Is he only a year into his apprenticeship? Your opening post suggests he's been on site for years and years, and then he still has 3 years left to go? But t'interweb suggests it is 3-4 years to get fully qualified? Faster if you've got other training and experience [like dropping out earlier I assume] that means you can be fast tracked.

It may be an answer to transfer his apprenticeship to a new employer and get off building sites? Once he is fully qualified he's far more valuable to a small growing business than low cost labour on a big building site.

GreenLemonade · 09/09/2025 15:26

Have you factored in that you would lose funded hours at nursery for your 1 year old?

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 09/09/2025 15:28

What steps has he taken to improve his MH while still employed?

Online earnings is not a viable income. You will regret him giving up paid employment and probably come to resent the squeeze on family money

Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 15:32

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams he has been with this current employer for 16 months. When he signed back onto the apprenticeship, he was told that because he’s got the experience (and previously almost finished his apprenticeship) that he would essentially not have to do the full four years. So now he’s technically into his second year. One more year at college every week and then 2 years of portfolio building. So it doesn’t appear that it will be fast tracked in anyway.
hes already in a small company. Only 2 staff members. One has been there for 10+ years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 15:33

@GreenLemonade hadnt Initially realised but we would reduce his time at nursery so that costs are to a minimum but without taking him out completely

OP posts:
Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 15:34

@SeaShellsSanctuary1 hes been to the GP and has then been referred to talking therapies. But then has taken months of him actually booking the appointment. So very slow slow steps

OP posts:
Original poster
Virgovirgo · 09/09/2025 15:35

@sesquipedalian im sick of influencers and YouTube!! They make it all look so easy and definitely give a false illusion that’s for sure.
he wants to work for himself, be his own boss, but be hands off with work, or do something that he enjoys which he’s unsure of! So it’s round in circles

OP posts:
MouldyCandy · 09/09/2025 15:47

Why can't he just look for a new job? As PP have suggested - your local NHS, local Council, retail, pub work. What is the point in completing his qualification if he doesn't actually ever want to be an electrician?
You said he had previous warehouse experience. Does he have a forklift license? Would HGV, bus, taxi or school transport jobs be of interest? All paying more than NMW.