One working parent

[Virgovirgo]

Under wrong topic but looking for advice from other families where maybe just one parent works?
we have two children aged 4 and 1 who attend school and nursery. We have recently just cleared a huge chunk of debt (8k). My partner is incredibly unhappy in his job and I can see it’s affecting his MH daily. Works on site no flexibility long hours and earning minimum wage. I work 4 days, have flexibility and still come out with more than him.
Now - we are thinking for me to continue working as normal (I have a great work life balance). And my partner take some time out, to be more present with the kids. He’s an amazing dad and would love to be around more, he also would like to see how he can start to make a passive income.
We can pay all bills and just about get by on one wage - we would just have to watch our spending more which is fine by me.

has anyone done this? I know it wouldn’t be a second question if it was the mother taking a career break but unfortunately it’s not common for the father to do this!

What he wants doesn't exist. Entrepreneurs become hands off after many years of building a business to the point that they can afford staff to take over.
He needs to get in the real world because it doesn't sound like you can really afford to be a one wage household.
If he's sure he doesn't want to complete his qualification, he needs to look for another job that is bearable.
Cushy, well paid jobs come after years of graft.

@MouldyCandy i think it would only put a plaster over the problem. I think it would be a matter of time before he’s unhappy again because he’s not his own boss. But again something for him to consider if he’s not happy doing this anyway

@Digdongdoo thats it and if he got qualified he would still only be turning 31 and then he’d be able to look at going self employed, choosing his own jobs and own hours!

That's a shame, about part time. It's so hard to know what the future holds financially, and bills are rising all the time. Whatever you choose, hope it all works out.

Being his own boss seems to be a theme. In my experience it's people who don't want to be told want to do and quite often have no idea just how much extra work it will entail.

Doing quotes for householders in the evenings, and weekends, doing business accounts and tax returns etc etc.

One of the apprenticeship websites that I came across suggested that one opportunity of being fully qualified is to teach it in a college which might suit him better. Fixed hours, a working environment he can control [OCD friendly]. and spare time to build a passive income.

Just what I was going to say, look at part time flexible jobs. It will give him a bit of breathing space.

I had a zero hours contract for the nhs for years it worked perfectly. I worked between 12-16 hrs a week most of the time, mostly in the evening or nights.

Not everyone has an amazing career job.

As a couple you should still contribute a a bit to a pension for him. He should definitely be on the mortgage too.

Being able to have one parent around a lot for the kids has made for a happier less stressful home.

I think if you can, having one stay at home parent who does the majority of the home stuff, and is a good cook, works so well when kids are little.

Reading all your posts today, I am losing sympathy for him.

Those aren't exactly long hours.
Leaving home between 6.30 and 7.30 and being back home by 5 is a very normal length day when you include travel. He seems to have a warped view of the world.

He is doing an apprenticeship, which will lead him to having a skill he can earn a lot more money from. Having got as far as he has, it would seem very foolish to chuck it in at this point.
Apart from the fact he would be without work, and without qualifications or a trade, his CV would read to potential new employers as someone who quit two apprenticeships.

I'm a bit confused, if he was 18 when we all had to wfh, then doesn't that make him 23 now ? How will it take him to 31 to finish the apprenticeship and portfolio ?

However, with a trade and qualifications behind him, he can look into different options for work from a much better position than someone who quit twice, and doesn't have any qualifications.

https://www.apprenticeships.gov.uk/apprentices/electrician#

Solar energy is in massive growth and isn't going anywhere either. He could work in so many sectors potentially doing surveys and quotes and not the installations. I know someone who does post install checks and sign offs so none of the hard yards 😄 This gives an idea of where he could go and from what you say, I really think you should gee him up to stick it out. He has children and no assets and you've been together for 10 years. Time to see the big picture and suck it up.

I think he needs more of a plan as I see potential for him to just bum about and you to be tiptoeing around him doing everything else and becoming resentful in the end...imagine coming home from a day at work to find he has spent all day online 'researching' and has not tidied up, got dinner ready and then says he will do it tomorrow only for the same to happen.
You say he wouldn't want to be a full time SAHD but he also doesn't want to continue his course so I think he needs a realistic plan of what he would like to do. Is his course linked to a college where he could speak to a careers advisor?
His online plan is idealistic and he is living in a dream world if he thinks this is a way to make money. Does he spend a lot of time looking at this sort of thing? As in a way he sounds like a teenager thinking this is the way to make money, and a sensible parent would limit their screen time. What if he comes up with a plan of buying to sell and then needs initial finances to set this up? Will he be relying on you for money for this start up?
Also in general you say you can afford to live on one income, but it's going to be tight, so how will that work in terms of days out, Christmas, birthdays. As you would be the only earner will your partner have free access to a shared account? Again how would you feel if they started using this for setting up a business (and therefore not in budget).

I quit working to be a SAHM with my first DC and it’s worked really well for me and my DH. It wasn’t the plan initially and I loved the career I left but once my DC was born, wanted to spend time at home with them. My salary was similar to nursery fees so it was a straight forward financial situation. We have definitely cut back massively spending wise. It’s not the easiest situation always but for us we think it’s worth it. Every now and then I hate not being able to shop like I did in my 20s but I’d rather be with my kids at this stage. I do most of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, life admin: again, sometimes it sucks but it’s just part of the deal. My OH would do more but it would mean eating way too late or sacrificing weekend time as a family. Lots of compromise but lots of perks. It would certainly be easier if my DCs were in nursery/school or day so your DH should be more than able to get it all done as his part of the set up.

Once they’re both in school, I’ll go back to work. I’m adamant that women should be able to, if they want to, pause their career and go back to it. I think I’ll have more working years after having children than before so that’s plenty of time to fulfil my career goals. I think it would be worth discussing a timeline with your partner - how long can he be not working before you both think he should start again. In my case, I’ll be ‘out of a job’ when my youngest goes to school so there’s a natural end point. It might help him focus if it’s not just a ‘stop working and see what happens’ vibe. Depending on his work ethic/drive, that’s a dangerous position to be in!

My brother in law also stopped working for a while as he hated his job. He quit and his DC went part time in nursery. I think the time they had together was so valuable and he had a good think about career changes. He did some online courses and went back to work in a different industry after about a year. I think he really missed earning and the challenge of work - he’s very driven and focused, he just burnt out in an unsatisfying career that he had ended up in. He does a four day week so he can still have a day with his DC.

So two very positive experiences. I think it is important for your partner to work out if he has a problem with his job or with working generally. Because not working is obviously preferable in many ways but not realistic for most of us. I know plenty of people get to 30 and realise they’ve just ended up in their career and they hate it and want a change. I think wanting to be your own boss is admirable but needs more thought than SM businesses. They promise the world but how many people do you actually know who have succeeded. I’m not trying to rain on his parade but I think if the plan is to do the SM type thing, you need to set a firm deadline for trying. You can plough money into these things and not see returns.

Another thing to think about is finding a coach/counsellor for your partner so they can really be pushed to find this new direction. It can help with accountability but also help introduce him to a whole load of career options that he hadn’t even realised he’d excel in.

@CarpetKnees sorry I made it confusing - after he first stopped the apprenticeship he did different work for a while. Starting back his apprenticeship when he turned 27

You sound like such a caring partner and it's so understandable to step in and help when our loved ones are floundering. But I think you need to differentiate between the two different aspects of this; the first is that his mental health is suffering and you are very kindly giving him a break to sort it out. The second is his career choice. Fair enough if you are going to support him leaving the apprenticeship but you must not believe that his online business idea will work. We only have what you've said to go on but he sounds more like a teenager than late 20s - feeling there's loadza money just out there waiting for him. Anyone who has experience of self employment will know that it usually means much longer working hours and stress than paid employment.

Aa long as he steps up to the mental load, go for it.

Becoming an electrician usually takes 3-4 years, so it doesn't sound like he's lasted more than a few weeks each time? Good to realise early that it isn't for him, but also suggests he's leaping to decisions without thinking things through! You definitely need to put a lid on this buying/ selling online idea, the only thing that leads to is loss of money.

If he's minimum wage anyway then a bar, restaurant or shop will have flexibility on shifts so he can arrange whatever hours he wants. He could also consider HGV or construction driver training; start with any vehicle where training is offered. There are also a ton of bricklaying jobs, would any of that suit him better?

@GRex hes currently completed his first year of the apprenticeship and into his second year. The first time round he was just one exam away from completing.
i just don’t want him to regret not getting qualified because then he’s got so many options and he can choose his own work

An unmarried stay at home dad with mental
health problems ?! Once he gets comfortable , he won’t be going back to work.

My friends husband became a sahd due to his “mental health”, he’s unable to cook, clean and is working on himself whilst being dependent upon his wife.

This isn’t a good idea. Why can’t he get a better job ?

This doesn't sound correct. He should have done bridging units at most and then picked up where he left off. Was there maybe an issue that he failed the course first time round?

Regardless, he doesn't want to be an electrician - fine. Then he has to pick another trade and get a job in it, at least 3 days per week. It really won't do him nor you any good for him to end up with nothing on his CV at all while frittering away your earnings on a fantastical online scheme. If you're a team then you need to be his head on this one, make him pick something that works.

It’s tough! @FancyCatSlave you hit the nail in the head there