One working parent

[Virgovirgo]

Under wrong topic but looking for advice from other families where maybe just one parent works?
we have two children aged 4 and 1 who attend school and nursery. We have recently just cleared a huge chunk of debt (8k). My partner is incredibly unhappy in his job and I can see it’s affecting his MH daily. Works on site no flexibility long hours and earning minimum wage. I work 4 days, have flexibility and still come out with more than him.
Now - we are thinking for me to continue working as normal (I have a great work life balance). And my partner take some time out, to be more present with the kids. He’s an amazing dad and would love to be around more, he also would like to see how he can start to make a passive income.
We can pay all bills and just about get by on one wage - we would just have to watch our spending more which is fine by me.

has anyone done this? I know it wouldn’t be a second question if it was the mother taking a career break but unfortunately it’s not common for the father to do this!

I wouldn't want my partner working long hours for little money in a job he hates BUT I would want a better plan than this.
I supported my dh for several years whilst he trained in his new career. It's hard 'just getting by'. For us it has be so worth it because a) he was training for a job he has loved and b) it was likely that - longer term (ie, over 20 years) we would end up being better off financially.

I think he needs to think carefully about doing this whilst not married and not on the mortgage. I think you need to think carefully about doing this without some clearer plan of how long he can be a SAHP, and how he is going to improve his prospects of getting a 'better' job after his year, or 2 or 3 years at home. For 'better' it might be 'more fulfilling' or it might be 'better paid' but presumably he won't want to go back to long hours of poorly paid and disliked, so I would want to know what the plan was to be able to then get that 'better' job.

I’m sure you are happy and I don’t disagree that him carrying on working as he is is taking its toll.

But it is a fact that he will be in a financially extremely vulnerable position by making himself dependant on someone he isn’t married to. And the fact that you are turning a blind eye to this is worrying. Imagine if a man refused to marry the mother of his children who was going to be financially dependant on him, ignoring the position he was putting her in. Everyone would tell her to run for the hills.

A break can be a really good thing. I had a short one and it was much needed.

One thing to watch out for for him is that there were some days where I did literally nothing because it was absolutely what I needed that day but my dh had been out at work and I felt like absolute shit, like 10x worse, when he came home to cook because I had not been able to function to do it. He handled it like a champ, and it really was rare, but I felt insanely guilty and in turn, it knocked me back into a negative thought pattern of being useless and like a drain on the family and not being able to cope woth normal life like "everyone else". So just watch out for that :)

I hope it works out for your family, you sound very supportive and tight which is lovely. People will always worry about the worst case because of lived experience but forewarned is forearmed and you know your family best 😀 x

I agree with @Donewithschoolruns.

Fair enough for him to take some time out if you can support him but he should have sensible plans for building a future career - just buying and selling stuff on isn’t going to work. He needs to add value in some way. Why doesn’t he build on his existing skills? Or study for something different.

And i agree with PP - you sound very kind and caring but you are too casual and breezy about how vulnerable he will be depending on you abf how this might stress your relationship, especially if it goes on for any length of time.

@Ddakji i get what you’re saying. It’s just hard to see somebody struggling with making no immediate changes in the meantime. He is training to be an electrician (second time) but has been onsite for years and years so it’s just getting the qualification under his belt. But he says he doesn’t want to be qualified and work long hours / do that for a job forever. So it’s just hard to know how I can support!

You’re not listening. Nowhere have I said he shouldn’t make a change. You can support him. But if he is going to be financially dependant on you, you need to get married.

Is there a reason why you keep ignoring that? Do you not want to be married?

You’ll lose nursery funding if he stops working entirely. Is he earns minimum wage in a full time miserable job, he’d be better off looking at nice minimum wage jobs eg part time barista or bar man or uber driver.
The part time hours can still give him time to retrain or hunt for a more fulfilling role.
but be warned - whenever I have heard of men giving up work temporarily within a year they’re depressed and can’t work and then a few years later they have left the wife for a younger women and then they finally then get a job

@Ddakji i think it feels forced - and not natural! But we absolutely have plans to be married so definitely not against it

@Unexpectedlysinglemum hes already been there pre kids I’d say. Hasn’t had the most rewarding jobs, always grafted - was training to be an electrician when 18 but couldn’t continue due to the working from home. Had a warehouse manager role and some driving roles in between. Then when our second came along he wanted to get back into a career and get his qualification finished. However there’s still a good 2/3years left and he says he doesn’t want to be an electrician forever.
for me my career has been very consistent regardless of mat leaves etc I’ve always been driven. But yes I could see this affecting his mental health even more - if he wasn’t working or earning money

@SaladAndChipsForTea absolutely I get that. I do think I’d be a bit of a nag if I’ve been at work all day and then jobs hadn’t been done so I wouldn’t want to turn into his boss. But at the same time maybe he just needs a short temporary break?
he is also going to start talking therapy so hopefully that’ll give him some support too!x

The no-brainer here is that he should leave his present job - it's long hours, minimum wage and he's miserable.

Then the question is what he should do next. Personally, I'd reduce your younger child's nursery days (are they presently full-time?) and he can be at home with them two days a week and look at doing something else with the other three days.

If he needs some time to decompress and focus on his mental health, why not plan for him to be off until Christmas?

Unless he's proposing to be a full-time SAHP, I don't think it's a goer to both have him at home and pay full-time nursery fees for an extended period of time though. What would make sense would be for him take a bit of time out, and then to focus on business/retraining opportunities that would allow him to work part-time while still being around for the kids.

As a family though, you love each other and you're there to support each other. There is no problem whatsoever imo in taking a long, hard look at your present set-up and admitting that actually it's proving really harmful for one member of your family (in this case, your DP) who needs to step back for a bit and reorientate.

@Goldbar i agree with what you’re saying I think it’s hard for him and me to see him give up his career when he could be qualified in 3 years time. However in those 3 years he is going to be miserable and his MH will suffer a lot. It’s clear that this isn’t what he wants to do.. so yes maybe him looking at a more casual job even if it was minimum wage but for less hours would probably make him happy. He gets frustrated a lot as he should definitely be on a lot more than minimum wage and should be paid for all the extra hours he works.. but his boss doesn’t do this. I’ve called him out on stuff before and he’s had back pay and holiday pay calculated incorrectly and repaid etc so it’s just like his boss is happy to pay minimum wage but expects a hell of a lot

Hmm. I know it’s sexist to write this but men IME who SAH tend to see it as a bit of a jolly and end up as babysitters whilst their wives WOH and then come home to a filthy house and do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning and school/life admin whilst chummy sits on his Xbox having done his bit for the day.

I think men need to have some kind of paid employment personally.

@THisbackwithavengeance i think I’ve established I don’t think he would want to be a fully SAHD however he would need the time to work out what he wants to do. He has the illusion that working and making money online is the way forward because so many other people do it so why can’t he? I’ve told him to start it NOW while he’s in employment because I guess that’s the risk, that it doesn’t work out and then he’s unemployed and not able to get a decent job again in the future

If the sexes were reversed everyone would say don’t give up your job until you are married and both have your name on the house. I stand by that. You say he isn’t vulnerable but he is leaving himself vulnerable. Unmarried, no claim on the house, unemployed.

Until he has successfully recharged and restrained and is in a position to work as an electrician, what contingency plans do you have. Are there savings to dip into? Do you have life insurance or critical illness insurance? I presume any couple, hetero or same sex, have a back-up plan whenever one parent is going to leave the world of work. It sounds like a lot of pressure for the solo working parent to me. But for many people it is the norm.
Would dropping hours and going part time be something that would still help him?

I worked 4 days a week and DH stayed at home looking after our first DC, mainly because my wage was secure, he was self employed, he could do odd jobs on the other 3 days though, we did this for a year until my job ended. DH looks back on the time he had at home as positive and it took the pressure off time for a while at least.

@Robin67 beinf part time would definitely help him, but in his current profession not an option unfortunately. I guess it would be the pressure on me to keep things ticking along, but I’ve always been steady in my career anyway so I am used to that. I get what people are saying about he’s leaning himself vulnerable and I guess it wouldn’t make him feel like much of a man either. It’s he either continues with the course for 3 years or pulls out completely but then he wouldn’t have a specific job to fall back on, other than one he’s able to find that would most probably pay minimum wage

Haven't read the whole thread but not sure if this has already been said, won't you lose the 30 funded hours for your youngest if your husband is out of work?

Yes - I work and my partner does not. He is effectively a house husband. It works well for us. I can't easily take time out of work to do errands, childcare, car stuff, housework. I earn much more than he did. He is happy too. Win-win.

@Virgovirgo have you had a look what jobs are going in your local hospitals? Compas and medirest employ the support staff in my region. You can do from 15/20 hours a week. There's things like linen drivers, as well as the usual porter jobs. If he's on minimum wage, he'd get a better rate, his CV wouldn't be blank and it might fit around the children. Start to look through jobs, his skills are transferable. There's garden centers, retail (even the likes of Screwfix) etc.

Hmm - going rate for an electrician in my part of the world [UK] is £300 a day. And that was for some outside lights to be installed, not some sort of deadly complicated smart home set up.

I'd not describe that as minimum wage but accept that as he's not qualified he's probably getting the bare minimum especially if his employer is picking up the tab for him to study and exam fees.

After this length of time, I think you would be mad to let him drop out a second time without the safety net of a completed qualification. By all means make a plan but to be self employed, to build on what he knows, to drive his own agenda and job.

Agree you need to make sure he's protected - if anything happens to you he doesn't own the house and doesn't have an income. Make sure you can afford to keep his pension going for those reasons as well.

I think quitting a job to do 'whatever' isn't a great plan but quitting a job that's damaging your mental health and leading nowhere you want to go is fair enough. I would either lean into the SAHP if you can manage on your salary, pull the baby from daycare to save the money and ensure your partner is up for doing meal prep, dropoffs etc etc. Or have a very short period of time before he needs to get a new job. His business idea is honestly terrible so put that aside and think again.

Gender is irrelevant here as I'd give the same advice to anyone - but make sure you have great insurance as being one person in charge of 4 people is a lot of pressure and you need to know that if you get sick/hurt/etc your family will be okay.

It's sounds like he is unhappy with his employer rather than his trade. My DH runs a building company. As a self employed electrician he absolutely could work part time. In his profession I would be seeking employment within the same trade to complete his qualification then looking at setting up alone.

@Donewithschoolruns maybe he just needs to bite the bullet and ask his employer if he can reduce his working hours 8am - 3pm everyday or something sensible. I think because he’s done with his employer he now thinks it is the trade. He says he’s sick of absolutely grafting all day, for no reward and thinks of the long term implications on his health e.g knees