To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

I'm really proud of you, OP. Fuck Gemma.

Well done OP! I wish I could send you a whole field of flowers. 💐

WTAF??
No. It’s not your job to make her feel better. Fuck her and fuck her shitty therapist.

Ignore and block! 100%

Ignore and block. Not your problem that she is now seeing how horrendously nasty she was as a child and wants you to say it doesn’t matter so she can get on with her life guilt free. Let it bother her like it’s bothered you for many years. I can guarantee that she feels nowhere near as bad as she made you feel at school.

I don’t think you actually owe her anything but why not accept the apology? Surely it’s nice to see that she acknowledges her wrongdoing and offers you some sort of closure? People change..

this seems really unnecessary tbh. But whatever works for you I guess

She is doing this for herself and to feel better about herself. It is not about you and she doesn't care about you.

Ignore her. Move on.

This struck a chord with me as I to was bullied very similarly to you. I am 54 now yet still it haunts me and I still feel strong hatred for this person and her little gang. Things have happened in my life which I put down to her and hate her for it BUT I think maybe if I had the chance to see her now and give my side of it, and off load it, it might help? It’s entirely down to you how to deal with it

I think you underestimate the damage bullying can do, it affects your whole life. 20 years after I left school and I haven’t seen any of my bullies since then and I still can’t go to sleep without the TV on otherwise the memories of the physical and mental bullying comes flooding back to me, and I’m frightened to return to my hometown in case I see them. I wouldn’t accept an apology from my bullies, it’s not good enough, they can’t give me my childhood back.

I would be tempted to reply with something like
’thank you for acknowledging how horrendous you made my life back then. I can’t help any further but would suggest using your energies now to educate your child so they do not bully others and ensure they are resilient incase it does happen to them.’

don’t give her any power in knowing any details regarding it took you a long time to process it/get over it etc or how it actually affected you- you owe her nothing.

however, more likely I would just not reply, block her and leave the past firmly in the past. She was a horrible person and she needs to reconcile that within herself not by reaching out to you.

I do get that, but realistically somebody showing true remorse indicates that they’re not the person they were and/or are truly horrified with themselves.

20 years ago, you felt certain emotions
20 years ago, they inflicted certain emotions on you
present day, they apologise for that
present day, you apply your emotions from 20 years ago to their apology and character now.

I do get it but the OPs reply seems a bit much to me.

Good for you! You've taken back some control in the narrative and I hope your butterflies settle for you now.

I'm really pleased you told her where to park it. She didn't reach out with the intention to offer you a possibility of healing for you; she did it to use you as a prop for healing for herself. Intention matters. It wasn't even her idea but her therapist's - so good for you that you've ensured that she doesn't get to use you to make herself feel better. So she jolly well SHOULD feel bad about what she did! She'll have to find a way to move on for herself that doesn't involve labour from you or harming you further.

She's sent it. So wtf if the point in you saying that?

OP felt it was necessary. You are not the person who Gemma bullied, so whether or not you think it was unnecessary means absolutely nothing, it's a waste of keystrokes.

"I do get it but the OPs reply seems a bit much to me."

Have you walked a mile in the OP's shoes? Because if your sympathy is with the person who caused a child to want to not be here any more, and to vomit in anxiety at the mere sight of them, you may be more of a Gemma.

I think they're a Gemma

no empathy, just selfish troll

No one cares what you think.
your comment is unnecessary

its about the op

I disagree with this person 100% but they are definitely allowed to say what they think, even if it is wrong different to everyone else

Well fucking done OP.

I’m 47 and i was really badly bullied at school and let down by the school. I was such an unhappy and lonely child and looking back I no doubt had some kind of ADHD which I couldn’t always contain but manage fine as an adult.

it was large groups of “popular” boys who victimised me. Unfortunately it’s always stayed with me in some respect. It’s so hard to get over! I’ve always suffered with very low self esteem that I mask well but have to have reverberating in my own head and I have subsequently become very hard on myself, and highly self-critical.

I’ve had various apologies over the years and just accepted it in order to try and move on.

However, the only real satisfaction I have had came when one of the perpetrators was locked away for murder!

you’ve done fantastically well and I really hope you will be able to feel a huge level of satisfaction from your reply. Sure forgiveness works for some people, but there are times when telling someone to fuck off and have a horrible life are truly justified.

Absolute Queen behaviour. Well done you!

Oof. You don't have to forgive her but that is a strongly worded reply to a woman in a depressive pit who had what sounds like a potential abusive home life when she was a child.

Mumsnet is very good at 2 things:

1. Judging people and
2. Egging them on into things they may not have chosen for themselves if they'd had time for reflection.

I wonder if the OP will continue to feel good about this reply and how it might make this woman feel given they describe themselves as a 'huge empath'.

She may have been an arsehole to you when you were children, but she sounds like a very damaged and regretful former arsehole now.

Gemma can rot in hell.

None of that regret erases or fixes the trauma she inflicted on the OP. Bullying and abuse that was so horrific, OP feared for her life.

I have very little sympathy for Gemma.

It’s not OP’s fault this woman may or may not be in a depressive pit. When she sent her message and invaded OP’s peace with horrible memories she didn’t give a fuck about OP’s mental state. OP could have been in a depressive state and tipped over the edge by her bully contacting her.

She intruded and she got what OP needed to say in return. Too many women would have given a there, there, it’s fine reply and betrayed themselves to be tolerant and kind. That’s much less healthy than honesty.

Thats a pretty unpleasant response