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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EXH Got Remarried

108 replies

wakeupsmelltheroses · 07/09/2025 21:14

Hi All,

I just wanted to ask your opinions on my situation and will keep it as factual as possible.

Together 24 years married 18

Divorce took 6 years and very stressful

EXH said didn’t want another serious relationship due to costs and stress of Divorce

I have 3 grown up children in their 20’s

Anyway last year since DD graduation we have had a good relationship. Purely platonic and friendly messaging now and then about events and seeing how each other is . All innocent no flirty messages etc .

So a few days ago EXH messaged to ask how I was good BH weekend etc . Then proceeded to say had a bit of news and had got married about 9 days beforehand. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I knew perhaps there was someone in his life but still …

He did not inform his adult children he was getting married as he said he didn’t tell anyone as he knew he couldn’t please everyone so did it after instead .

My Aibu is of course he didn’t need to let the children know it’s his life just let it go

or He is being unreasonable he should of let the children know he had from January till August when he got engaged then remarried (he didn’t tell the children who only met her once at a dinner for DD 21st who didn’t know she was coming at all )

Thank you

OP posts:
sunnyday2025 · 07/09/2025 21:16

That is a shit thing to do to his DC and a shock for you. What is it with these men?!

AbzMoz · 07/09/2025 21:20

Kindly - it largely makes no odds if he was unreasonable or not. It’s not your role to mediate if the kids should’ve been invited informed or whatever, and getting involved will likely only lead to upset. You might inwardly think (and I’d agree) it’s a bit shitty, but it’s also now done. It’s up to exH to manage his relationships with his kids.

Rightandwrong · 07/09/2025 21:21

How have your children taken it OP?

Astrak · 07/09/2025 21:23

I agree with AbzMoz.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 07/09/2025 21:24

Yeah agree, what do your kids think? Do they really care?

I wouldnt personally care, i'd stop messaging him but wish him and his wife the best and just be there for the kids. No reason for you to have any issue with it, but might be weird to keep in touch x

Original poster
wakeupsmelltheroses · 07/09/2025 21:25

Well of course they are upset about it .

It just feels very sneaky , selfish cowardly behaviour but that is my opinion

No family members on his side went to the wedding . It’s all a bit bizarre!

OP posts:
PrawnAgain · 07/09/2025 21:29

wakeupsmelltheroses · 07/09/2025 21:25

Well of course they are upset about it .

It just feels very sneaky , selfish cowardly behaviour but that is my opinion

No family members on his side went to the wedding . It’s all a bit bizarre!

It sounds like they eloped. It's not really that bizarre, a lot of people do it.

It's literally nothing to do with you. It's a bit rubbish for the kids but they are in their 20s so surely they can raise it with him themselves if they want to.

Suntree32 · 07/09/2025 21:30

sunnyday2025 · 07/09/2025 21:16

That is a shit thing to do to his DC and a shock for you. What is it with these men?!

I agree. They might be adults, but not even telling them is terrible. I was incredibly sad when my parents divorced in my early 20s, but for a parent to do such a major thing without even mentioning it seems so odd.

Coconutter24 · 07/09/2025 21:36

wakeupsmelltheroses · 07/09/2025 21:25

Well of course they are upset about it .

It just feels very sneaky , selfish cowardly behaviour but that is my opinion

No family members on his side went to the wedding . It’s all a bit bizarre!

So they eloped?
It’s not sneaky, selfish or cowardly. It really has nothing to do with you, if your children are upset that’s a discussion for them to have with him to ask why he made the decision to get married the way he did

WhatAboutTheOtherOne · 07/09/2025 21:41

That was a weird and dumb thing for him to do but it’s done now. I’d let him now that it was a bit of a dumb way to do it bu I’d also offer my congratulations and wish them well. Even if he has been a jerk life will be easier and less stressful if you continue to have a civilised working relationship with him. I’d not stir up to much anger from the kids. Maybe they can tell him how sad and dissapointed they are but that they want to move on , if that’s what they want. They are old enough to manage their own relationship with their Dad though.

Has the women got kids and is she much younger than him. I’d be worried about those things.

CarpetKnees · 07/09/2025 21:46

I personally question the relationship with family ANYONE has, who chooses to get married without including their close family, but you see thread after thread on here where posters criticise my way of thinking and are fully supportive of it "being the B&G's day" and "Do what suits you" and "It's no-one else's business" etc.

It really doesn't have anything to do with you in this circumstance, but I agree with you it is a horrible thing to do to his children.
However, that was his choice and I suspect it will be reflected in their relationship with him over the coming years, as it shows how little he thinks they are an important part of his life.

Notalertedtoday · 07/09/2025 21:50

I suppose you believed him when he said he wouldn’t remarry particularly as he continued to text you in such a friendly way. Ultimately you have gone your separate ways. Not to have told his side of the family and his children seems strange though. It’s up to him to explain himself to your DC as it’s their issue not yours.

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 07/09/2025 21:52

It's literally nothing to do with you. It's a bit rubbish for the kids but they are in their 20s so surely they can raise it with him themselves if they want to.

This sums it up really I feel.

He should have told them and if they're pissed off about that they should let him know it.

Driftingawaynow · 07/09/2025 21:53

My mum did something not entirely dissimilar, i got the message loud and clear that she didn’t give a tiny fuck how my siblings and I felt about her new husband. then she didn’t like it when we didn’t want to be his best mates (I mean he was dreadful but even if he hadn’t been I think it would’ve just added more layers of difficulty to an already inherently tricky situation)

Marriage is about changing the shape of families and to not tell your own fucking children, what kind of fuckwit thinks this is a good way to start a relationship that at least in theory will last the rest of their lives. Poor kids. OP you have every right to be annoyed about it just as much as you have the right to be annoyed with anyone who hurts your children.

Whomitmayconcern · 07/09/2025 22:01

Sorry to be horribly practical but now he’s married again any wills are null and void.

Minnie798 · 07/09/2025 22:10

If adult dc's have only met their dad's new wife once, I take it they are all living independently and have their own lives. Eloping and telling everyone afterwards is just what some couples decide to do. They want to be married to each other but don't want fuss or anyone trying to persuade them to do things differently. Which often happens.
Your adult dc's should speak to their dad about it.

savethatkitty · 07/09/2025 22:17

He knows he's done a shitty thing. He knows he's been sneaky & sly. The children have every right to be upset. He's essentially snubbed everyone in favour of his new piece of arse.

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 07/09/2025 22:19

savethatkitty · 07/09/2025 22:17

He knows he's done a shitty thing. He knows he's been sneaky & sly. The children have every right to be upset. He's essentially snubbed everyone in favour of his new piece of arse.

What a disgusting way to talk about a woman.

Really vile.

QueenofDestruction · 07/09/2025 22:22

Driftingawaynow · 07/09/2025 21:53

My mum did something not entirely dissimilar, i got the message loud and clear that she didn’t give a tiny fuck how my siblings and I felt about her new husband. then she didn’t like it when we didn’t want to be his best mates (I mean he was dreadful but even if he hadn’t been I think it would’ve just added more layers of difficulty to an already inherently tricky situation)

Marriage is about changing the shape of families and to not tell your own fucking children, what kind of fuckwit thinks this is a good way to start a relationship that at least in theory will last the rest of their lives. Poor kids. OP you have every right to be annoyed about it just as much as you have the right to be annoyed with anyone who hurts your children.

Hang on the children are adults. Their relationship is with their Dad what difference does his marriage make to them. Perhaps he wanted to elope to escape the drama as you seem very involved with what he does. IMO everyone here are adults they are not going to be living with a stepmother and he doesn't have to have permission or make concessions in regards to his relationships the same as his kids on regards to their relationships.

QueenofDestruction · 07/09/2025 22:25

savethatkitty · 07/09/2025 22:17

He knows he's done a shitty thing. He knows he's been sneaky & sly. The children have every right to be upset. He's essentially snubbed everyone in favour of his new piece of arse.

That us his wife and once his children are adults, which they are, it is his primary relationship. He us entitled as a single man to get married and be happy.

AlloaintheMiddle · 07/09/2025 22:28

What kind of relationship does your ex have with your children?

My father in law basically went no contact the moment he remarried…

squishymarshmellow · 07/09/2025 22:31

Did he tell anyone about the engagement? It’s quite strange to not let your children know.

it does sound like you are quite bothered personally. Mentioning in the OP that ‘he didn’t want another serious relationship after the divorce’ sounds like you’re put out. I have DC with my ex and I can’t imagine being bothered if he got married, but I also can’t imagine him getting married without telling his DC.

CarpetKnees · 07/09/2025 22:31

QueenofDestruction · 07/09/2025 22:22

Hang on the children are adults. Their relationship is with their Dad what difference does his marriage make to them. Perhaps he wanted to elope to escape the drama as you seem very involved with what he does. IMO everyone here are adults they are not going to be living with a stepmother and he doesn't have to have permission or make concessions in regards to his relationships the same as his kids on regards to their relationships.

Show quote history

Well, you could start with the message it sends them - that they are not important enough part of his life to be included in what should be happy events.
That he hasn't invited them to get to know someone who presumably is going to be in their lives for many years to come.

sodifficult1 · 07/09/2025 22:36

My dad remarried 8 months after my mum died, mum was supposedly the love of his life and he went to pieces when she died. We had 3 or 4 months of him slowly getting through it. Then he went quiet on us ( we were all adults with children ) 8 months later he phoned my brother to tell him and asked him to let us all know.

dad couldn’t understand why none of us were instantly over the moon, didn’t even know he was seeing someone! It did so much harm to our relationship, I tired to get through it, but my brothers never forgave him.

DelphiniumDoreen · 07/09/2025 22:38

It’s odd. I would feel sad for the children but I would draw a line under it and cease all further contact.