EXH Got Remarried

[wakeupsmelltheroses]

Hi All,

I just wanted to ask your opinions on my situation and will keep it as factual as possible.

Together 24 years married 18

Divorce took 6 years and very stressful

EXH said didn’t want another serious relationship due to costs and stress of Divorce

I have 3 grown up children in their 20’s

Anyway last year since DD graduation we have had a good relationship. Purely platonic and friendly messaging now and then about events and seeing how each other is . All innocent no flirty messages etc .

So a few days ago EXH messaged to ask how I was good BH weekend etc . Then proceeded to say had a bit of news and had got married about 9 days beforehand. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I knew perhaps there was someone in his life but still …

He did not inform his adult children he was getting married as he said he didn’t tell anyone as he knew he couldn’t please everyone so did it after instead .

My Aibu is of course he didn’t need to let the children know it’s his life just let it go

or He is being unreasonable he should of let the children know he had from January till August when he got engaged then remarried (he didn’t tell the children who only met her once at a dinner for DD 21st who didn’t know she was coming at all )

Thank you

So what. I eloped and didn't tell anything to my family or sibling. I was an adult, my own person and it was my choice. It has nothing to do with them. I informed them quite a lot later after the fact.

Equally I wouldn't be bothered if either of my parents would do this. It's their life, their choice and who they live with, marry/don't marry has nothing to do with me.

They didn't elope though. They had a wedding with guests, just chose to exculde his adult children.

But he didn't elope.

He had a full blown wedding and Reception - just chose not to invite his side of the family

My mother did this and I was shocked by how much it hurt me. I was an adult and she has been married a few times, it would have been nice to be told before even if she didn’t want us there as guests

On I misunderstood. That's really messed up and strange.

I feel for you and your children OP, I agree that it is a sneaky selfish thing to do.
Take care OP and I hope you and your kids are OK

The posters suggesting that children in their 20's don't care if one of their parents remarries are way off the mark. Of course they fucking care. A woman they don't even know has "suddenly" become a significant part of their lives and their father didn't even have the decency to tell them. I assume those posters have, as yet, only got young kids. Just because you turn 18, doesn't mean you don't give a stuff about what your own flesh and blood does. By the same token it would be abnormal for any mother not to care when her children are upset. You never stop feeling their pain (or joy) no matter whether they're 10 or 50.

As your dc are grown ups it’s up to them to speak with him about how it’s made them feel. It’s really nothing to do with you now and if the kids come to you then tell them if they have an issue to speak to dad.

sounds like they just eloped which is pretty common, actually what I have planned with my OH for December. We plan on telling everyone at our ‘engagement’ party which will actually be our reception.

What business is it of yours? I have to assume that if the divorce lasted 6 months and was at the time enough to put him off relationships for life, that was mostly or entirely your fault.

He’s not your husband any more, your children are adults. It’s totally up to him who he tells and who he doesn’t. Frankly, I’m surprised he told you. In fact I’m surprised he still speaks to you.

Seems weird if it was a big wedding and her family there

why wasn’t his kids there or his family siblings /parents etc

different if eloped but he didn’t

What a dick. Not as regards you (though a heads up would have been courteous), but as regards his adult children. I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that.

YABU

He's not your husband any more. Your parental responsibilities no longer link you - these can be administered directly with adult children.

He does live rent free in your head, what does that say, you regret the divorce but don't want to admit it?

Move on

It really is. The OP had a 24 year relationship and has young adults she's shares with this man. A short chat, a heads up would be totally normal. I was unexpectedly devastated when my ex remarried it just felt so very very final even though I had left him. Our dc were very unsettled. and worried that he'd move on and leave them totally. Saying it has nothing to do with the OP shows a marked lack of empathy.

Why do people not read the thread before commenting? The OP said it was a big wedding with all the brides side invited.

He is an adult and doesn’t need to run anything by anyone. He got married, so what? Do the ‘kids’ even care?

My mother in law married someone after just a few months of relationship. We literally met the guy once and, while she did invite her sons, the wedding was announced so abruptly that we couldn't get back from a holiday (two other sons did make it). His children didn't show up, they were in total shock.
The first few years were fine, I guess mostly because the guy lived and worked away. Once he retired to our city and her house it became clear how little they had in common. I just couldn't summon the sympathy to listen to her complaints about him when it was clear that there was nothing really wrong with the man, they just made a huge mistake to get married.

I think it was a horrible way to behave towards his Dc, and will affect their relationship for the future.

Doesn’t sound as if they will be invited or expected to spend Christmas with him, or that he has thought about them continuing to be close to him as he grows older.

It happens all the time. Men get a new woman and all consideration about any other relationships, out the window.

If he is like my friends Dads who have behaved like this he will now neglect to make a new Will and his house, savings, everything will go to new wife if anything happens to him, and then she will leave it to her own Dc. After all… she has no meaningful relationship with his Dc.

Anyway, for now, of course they are upset to have been excluded from even the knowledge of something so significant in his life and his not wanting them to have been part of it.

His loss.

First of all if they eloped and didnt tell anyone then I think he didnt have to tell anyone as everyone is adults, however if others were at the wedding the adult children should have been invited. Secondly no 24 years or not they are divorced and there are no minor children there is no reason to communicate with or tell the ex anything. The relationship is between the father and his adult children any obligations ended with the divorce and the children reaching adulthood many divorced couples in this scenario don't communicate and thirdly it would be a hell of a cheek for the ex wife to approach him about his will. If the adult children have concerns they can discuss it with him. In the end its his estate and he can leave it to the children, his wife or a charity.The expectation that an ex wife can talk to her ex about his will really disgusts me in it's sheer cheeky fuckery.

That is so misogynistic his new wife may have a much larger estate than him and nay not have children. It's not the ex or the children's money it's his and as he is married he shares the estate with his current wife. How come the whole will thing presumes in some way that his estate is the larger one and hiw dare his new wife inherit anything. She could have far more money and leave it all to him and then it goes to his kids. any of my career orientated friends earn far more than their husbands.

Whilst I can emphasise with someone who is feeling a certain type of way by their ex getting remarried, it still doesn’t make it any of their business

That’s terrible, how could both of them not see how appalling this was? Poor daughters, I bet they have struggled to forgive this.

Eloping is being shitty and sneaky and sly?

Piece of arse…she’s his second wife.

I’m wondering if this is partly cowardice on his part? He didn’t want to risk his childrens’ disapproval or be swayed by their opinions beforehand so he just went ahead then it was a fait accompli? I don’t agree with what he did, not at all but could this provide some kind of explanation or not? He obviously puts his own happiness ahead of anyone else’s!

It's not so much how he got married, it's the fact that they don't know her!

And to just bring her along to meet them once at a celebration with no warning is very odd too

Who his kids have met once!

And that was a surprise too