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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EXH Got Remarried

108 replies

wakeupsmelltheroses · 07/09/2025 21:14

Hi All,

I just wanted to ask your opinions on my situation and will keep it as factual as possible.

Together 24 years married 18

Divorce took 6 years and very stressful

EXH said didn’t want another serious relationship due to costs and stress of Divorce

I have 3 grown up children in their 20’s

Anyway last year since DD graduation we have had a good relationship. Purely platonic and friendly messaging now and then about events and seeing how each other is . All innocent no flirty messages etc .

So a few days ago EXH messaged to ask how I was good BH weekend etc . Then proceeded to say had a bit of news and had got married about 9 days beforehand. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I knew perhaps there was someone in his life but still …

He did not inform his adult children he was getting married as he said he didn’t tell anyone as he knew he couldn’t please everyone so did it after instead .

My Aibu is of course he didn’t need to let the children know it’s his life just let it go

or He is being unreasonable he should of let the children know he had from January till August when he got engaged then remarried (he didn’t tell the children who only met her once at a dinner for DD 21st who didn’t know she was coming at all )

Thank you

OP posts:
PigletSanders · 07/09/2025 22:45

wakeupsmelltheroses · 07/09/2025 21:25

Well of course they are upset about it .

It just feels very sneaky , selfish cowardly behaviour but that is my opinion

No family members on his side went to the wedding . It’s all a bit bizarre!

Major red flag about their relationship. Jesus. He excluded his own children, which is unforgivable. What a prick. He’s likely destroyed his relationship with his children for a new woman. Awful.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 07/09/2025 22:56

My DD is 25 and would be so hurt if I did something so huge without telling her. He's a prick.

Schoolchoicesucks · 07/09/2025 22:59

Your poor DC. Yes I know they are adults but their father has married someone they have met once and he didn't have the grace to let them know in advance.

I can understand not wanting to have a big wedding - their choice to do it how they want. But that is such a massive FU to his kids, getting married is forming a family unit.

He absolutely should have told you as well of course, but to hide it from his kids is appalling.

How did you respond to him?

incognitomummy · 07/09/2025 23:01

DelphiniumDoreen · 07/09/2025 22:38

It’s odd. I would feel sad for the children but I would draw a line under it and cease all further contact.

This

Schoolchoicesucks · 07/09/2025 23:05

QueenofDestruction · 07/09/2025 22:22

Hang on the children are adults. Their relationship is with their Dad what difference does his marriage make to them. Perhaps he wanted to elope to escape the drama as you seem very involved with what he does. IMO everyone here are adults they are not going to be living with a stepmother and he doesn't have to have permission or make concessions in regards to his relationships the same as his kids on regards to their relationships.

Show quote history

Seriously "what difference does it make" to his kids that he has married someone they don't know and that he married in secret? Just because the kids are adults doesn't make them not part of his family. Adult kids and their parents with a healthy relationship talk to one another about important things that are going on in one another's lives, important people in their lives. They share meals, visits, celebrations. The only way that him being married to someone 'wouldn't make a difference' would be if they were no contact or barely had a relationship to start with.

No-one's suggesting that he shouldn't be able to have a relationship or get married, but the way he has done and announced this is shitty behaviour.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 07/09/2025 23:06

That's the kind of thing adult children should keep in mind when choosing a care home for parents. He deserves to be treated like an afterthought when he's 90.

QueenofDestruction · 07/09/2025 23:40

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 07/09/2025 23:06

That's the kind of thing adult children should keep in mind when choosing a care home for parents. He deserves to be treated like an afterthought when he's 90.

But most adults I know have organised their own care with their own money so children wouldn't have a say anyway if its his money paying for it. Adults are adults and should treat each other with respect however that does not mean an adult can't elope or marry whoever they want this is the parent or adult child. My sister eloped with her husband who my parents hadn't met because they lived far away. My fruend eloped with her husband and hadn't met his adult children because she lived abroad and they eloped because of the drama the ex would have crated had anyone known. In the end once your children are adults you love them but you are entitled to have an adult relationship that does not involve them.I wish I had eloped as my parents insisted on a wedding and I dud not like being the centre of attention.

Driftingawaynow · 07/09/2025 23:41

QueenofDestruction · 07/09/2025 22:22

Hang on the children are adults. Their relationship is with their Dad what difference does his marriage make to them. Perhaps he wanted to elope to escape the drama as you seem very involved with what he does. IMO everyone here are adults they are not going to be living with a stepmother and he doesn't have to have permission or make concessions in regards to his relationships the same as his kids on regards to their relationships.

Show quote history

She will probably be there at every family event, every funeral…just because she isn’t raising them doesn’t mean it won’t affect them profoundly. They have every right to have their response including feeling upset and so does OP simply because someone has treated her kids poorly, whatever their age is

Snorebor · 07/09/2025 23:44

Driftingawaynow · 07/09/2025 21:53

My mum did something not entirely dissimilar, i got the message loud and clear that she didn’t give a tiny fuck how my siblings and I felt about her new husband. then she didn’t like it when we didn’t want to be his best mates (I mean he was dreadful but even if he hadn’t been I think it would’ve just added more layers of difficulty to an already inherently tricky situation)

Marriage is about changing the shape of families and to not tell your own fucking children, what kind of fuckwit thinks this is a good way to start a relationship that at least in theory will last the rest of their lives. Poor kids. OP you have every right to be annoyed about it just as much as you have the right to be annoyed with anyone who hurts your children.

This exactly

Snorebor · 07/09/2025 23:45

PigletSanders · 07/09/2025 22:45

Major red flag about their relationship. Jesus. He excluded his own children, which is unforgivable. What a prick. He’s likely destroyed his relationship with his children for a new woman. Awful.

Show quote history

Yeah and the fact so many people can’t seem to see what is wrong is alarming.

Endofyear · 07/09/2025 23:46

Well it obviously would have been better that he told his children beforehand but they are all adults, they can tell him how they feel about it. If I were you I'd stay out of it, cut back on contact with him and let him get on with it.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 08/09/2025 00:01

QueenofDestruction · 07/09/2025 23:40

But most adults I know have organised their own care with their own money so children wouldn't have a say anyway if its his money paying for it. Adults are adults and should treat each other with respect however that does not mean an adult can't elope or marry whoever they want this is the parent or adult child. My sister eloped with her husband who my parents hadn't met because they lived far away. My fruend eloped with her husband and hadn't met his adult children because she lived abroad and they eloped because of the drama the ex would have crated had anyone known. In the end once your children are adults you love them but you are entitled to have an adult relationship that does not involve them.I wish I had eloped as my parents insisted on a wedding and I dud not like being the centre of attention.

Show quote history

People can do whatever they want. But if they treat others as an afterthought, it's just fair that they are treated like that as well. I prefer to try to be thoughtful. Hopefully I'm building a mutually supportive relationship with my kids in the future.

QueenofDestruction · 08/09/2025 00:04

Driftingawaynow · 07/09/2025 23:41

She will probably be there at every family event, every funeral…just because she isn’t raising them doesn’t mean it won’t affect them profoundly. They have every right to have their response including feeling upset and so does OP simply because someone has treated her kids poorly, whatever their age is

Show quote history

Not everyone lives so close as to go to every event and not everyone wants to. How will an adult attending a family event affect them profoundly. They just have to be civil and polite. Their relationship is with their Dad , they are not little children. I am not affected by various steps and disliked family members attending large family events. Is a disliked or unknown partner of an adult child going to profoundly affect the parents .These are adults we are talking about and should have adult relationships with each other. My parents profoundly disliked their 1st DIL but we're polite and managed to keep a distant but cordial. relationship. I don't understand how adult kids are so infantilised these days.

JFDIYOLO · 08/09/2025 00:11

On the first anniversary of my godmother's death, her husband married her best friend. And then wondered why his daughters were upset.

Men do some weird things.

KathrynWheel · 08/09/2025 00:15

There will be baby news next.

Mustbethat · 08/09/2025 00:17

PrawnAgain · 07/09/2025 21:29

It sounds like they eloped. It's not really that bizarre, a lot of people do it.

It's literally nothing to do with you. It's a bit rubbish for the kids but they are in their 20s so surely they can raise it with him themselves if they want to.

Edited
Show quote history

This. The kids are adults, presumably with independent lives.

he’s entitled to get married, and lots of people elope purely to get out of the family drama.

the kids can speak to him if they are upset, although I don’t think they have reason to be as it doesn’t impact their lives in any meaningful way.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 08/09/2025 08:19

If there were no children then fine but to not tell your children you’re getting married is pretty unacceptable. You should be glad that you’re rid of someone who would do that but I hope yours children are ok.

user7638490 · 08/09/2025 08:22

I am sorry, especially for the children. My dad did this, and even invited my cousins, but not me and my brothers. I never forgave him.

Boomer55 · 08/09/2025 08:23

The kids are adults, and it not your business any more what he does.

He’s moved on.

UninitendedShark · 08/09/2025 08:26

If he wants to ruin his relationship with his kids then that’s on him. It’s also not on you to facilitate him getting back into their good books so please don’t fall for that. Best to have a clean slate now. Leave him to it. Don’t engage.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 08/09/2025 08:30

Both my parents remarried and didn't tell anyone until after it. It really wasn't a big deal.

BIossomtoes · 08/09/2025 08:30

KathrynWheel · 08/09/2025 00:15

There will be baby news next.

Only if she’s much younger than him. And he’s completely taken leave of his senses!

ChubbyMorticia · 08/09/2025 08:36

I think it was a rotten thing to do, not telling the kids until after. It seems they weren’t aware that their dad was in a serious relationship at all!

Betting his reaction would be vastly different if the kids get married without saying a word until after.

Rewis · 08/09/2025 08:48

Did the children know he was seriously dating someone? Had they met?

Rewis · 08/09/2025 08:52

My bf's dad got married and hadn't even told my bf he was dating. One day he came to his dad's for the weekend and he introduced his new wife who now lived in his house.