EXH Got Remarried

[wakeupsmelltheroses]

Hi All,

I just wanted to ask your opinions on my situation and will keep it as factual as possible.

Together 24 years married 18

Divorce took 6 years and very stressful

EXH said didn’t want another serious relationship due to costs and stress of Divorce

I have 3 grown up children in their 20’s

Anyway last year since DD graduation we have had a good relationship. Purely platonic and friendly messaging now and then about events and seeing how each other is . All innocent no flirty messages etc .

So a few days ago EXH messaged to ask how I was good BH weekend etc . Then proceeded to say had a bit of news and had got married about 9 days beforehand. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I knew perhaps there was someone in his life but still …

He did not inform his adult children he was getting married as he said he didn’t tell anyone as he knew he couldn’t please everyone so did it after instead .

My Aibu is of course he didn’t need to let the children know it’s his life just let it go

or He is being unreasonable he should of let the children know he had from January till August when he got engaged then remarried (he didn’t tell the children who only met her once at a dinner for DD 21st who didn’t know she was coming at all )

Thank you

The last part didnt show on my phone. So they knew he was seeing someone and had met. That's somethign at least. I do think it would have been decent thing to do to inform the kids that he was this seriously seeing someone and felt them know they were planning on eloping. Even if they didn't tell the exact date. But sounds like the whole relationship is slightly odd.

If adult DC are upset let them raise it with him themselves. It's poor behaviour not to tell them ahead of the wedding even if he didn't want to invite them. In their position I'd choose not to see him again. Stop messaging him.

As a mother all I was trying to do was protect my children as they are hurting and sad .It doesn’t matter if they are 20 or 60 it’s natural instinct.

I was informed first and I told him it was a poor show to not let his children know first . In fact I would rather of not been told . I didn’t need to know and it’s down to him how he deals with the aftermath and his children .

Also , they have every right to do exactly the same when they decide to get married and see how he likes it to be told 9 days after .

I just wanted to see if this was normal behaviour and it seems it’s mixed opinions on MN .

My ex did the same. Didn’t tell his own children (who were about 12 and 14 at the time). They found out by accident. To say I was disgusted by this is an understatement. (He’s now divorced, yawn, no surprises there).

That is a shitty thing to do, regardless of your children's age. You are meant to be able to trust your parents, he has just shown them that he is capable of sneaking around behind their backs and that they are nowhere near his top priority. He is, and his new wife is. I don't understand at all why a parent would want to inflict those kind of feelings on the own children. Parents are supposed to want to protect their kids from feeling unimportant regardless of age, actively hiding something this big from them is only going to make them feel emotionally unsafe.

It’s usually that same lack of care that allows them to not prioritise the well being of their family over their own wants (not needs). My ex doesn’t have empathy so he never felt bad about not telling our children or that they found out by other means. Absolutely shocking behaviour from a grown man. That wife eventually divorced him, no doubt she too realised he has no empathy (no kids thankfully). Men like my ex should be banned from relationships, no one ever thrives in them, while they just merrily carry on regardless, no remorse, no feelings of shame or embarrassment.

I agree you need to sort this out.

Wife No2 is now his next of kin and entitled to everything in the event of his demise. You need to protect your childrens' interests.

An ex boyfriend’s father did this to his adult children (all in their 20s). I was with them the day they found out and they were gutted. It created a shift in their relationship with their father that, 20 odd years later, remains (still friends with ex and he still occasionally mentions it.) Leave your exh to clean up his mess, and just be there for your kids in case they feel upset or angry. Your ex is a fool, but it’s his problem, not yours. You owe him nothing re repairing any relationship damage caused. He has to do that himself.

Agree with others re: talking to ex about his will though.

His adult children can deal with it. It doesn't really affect them though, presumably they don't live with him or see him a great deal?

I can see how they would be a bit upset but i don't think it would be a big issue really.

I think it is wrong that he did not tell his children until after the event. I think my FIL would do that (but they would tell her children before the event).

i find it odd that my MIL still talks to her ex the way she does and I know his current partner finds it irritating

If they genuinely didn’t tell anyone then fair dos I think and in your position that’s what I would be saying to my adult DC. I got married and told no one. I have told my adult DCs if that’s what they want to do that they absolutely should. I think you need to step back because it sounds like you are upset but hiding behind ‘kids are upset’ when actually you could be trying to steer them round to ‘actually secret weddings are ok’ frame of mind

It’s his and his wife’s day they can get married however they like but he could at least have had the decency to tell his children before you.

however in my circle of friends and family the people who have got married this way (in secret, no guests) the relationship is usually a mess and tends not to last.

Has he thought about what happens after he dies?

Any will written before this new marriage is now null and void

If he dies before she does, she'll inherit and potentially pass his estate to any children she has

Not telling his children he's remarried feels like he's done with them and they can expect nothing more from him

A bit strange of him. Did he not want his daughters there?! Did they just elope with no family? Or did they have her side and just his parents and siblings?! If so it seems like they're trying pretend he was never married before therefore hiding his children! It all sounds bizzare!

I have 2DD and a DS

it was a big wedding in a hotel no eloping no register office .

Just her family not his

My guess is your correct re hiding he had a previous family

Both mid 50’s

edit. Just saw it was bells and whistles. He's an arse.

Was the wedding all bells and whistles or a basic signing of a form in the registry office?

If it's the latter, there should be no beef here.

@wakeupsmelltheroses I already thought he was being a shitty human, now I know for sure he is. That is incredibly cruel. I think you should support your children in this and let them know that whatever they are feeling is perfectly fine. I know a lot of people say you should stay out of it, but it will be confusing for your kids if you pretend you are OK with them being treated that way.

I think he should have told his own children. It’s very odd not to. Hopefully they’re not too upset.

It doesn't sit well with me because I just can't imagine not wanting my children to be part of my wedding. When my exH got remarried, he's wifes children didn't come to the wedding and in fact that have no relationship with him at all. There never in the same room as him and she makes separate plans at christmas as to when she sees them. It baffles me as she's a nice person with a decent job and education but for some reason this is all worth it for him.

He’s revoked his will by marrying so he needs to see a wills specialist.

If your children are upset, then of course it affects you and you need to be there for them to vent their feelings.

However, what your ex does is really none of your business any more, and your children are adults, so they too need to realise that, as upset as they may be, he is his own person and can do as he likes. If they don’t like it, they need to adjust their expectations and their relationship with him.

Im sure he has his reasons for keeping the whole thing secret from his family (and I’m sure they won’t be justified!)

Today, you all know him a little better than you did before. Make of that what you will.

But how can he have hidden the fact he had a previous family? She was at his daughters 21st…surely other family members were there?

Wait...they had a big wedding?! Not a "secret" register office visit. Jeez. All her family shwoed up and he didnt even tell his own children? Were his extended family present? Well, he has made it clear that his children with you are his old family and therefore in the past. Makes is easier in a way.

Well, I guess it is in a way similar when people don't like their in laws and are lc with them and spouse is kept separate from the parents. But in this case spouse and children are kept separate.