Dating - am I unreasonable to just nip it in the bud?

[MondeoFan]

Started seeing a new bf and have had 4 dates so far. The dates have been lovely, but he doesn’t ask me any questions at all. Like not a single thing? I think this is weird! Isn’t he interested in finding out about me or my life. I’ve told him a few bits willingly but he hasn’t asked. He texts daily when we can’t see each other but sometimes he won’t message all day and only much later in the evening. Am I overthinking it? Or should I just nip it in the bud and tell him I think the reason is he doesn’t seem really interested? The dates go really well, and when I get home I always think awwww how lovely it was. Should I give it a bit longer?

Has he said he wants an exclusive, long term relationship?

I really couldn't be interested in someone who has nothing to offer. What does he actually talk about?

He said he does. He’s been single 2 years and said he wants a long term serious relationship. We have music and cars in common, talk mainly about those, I wanted to meet a gig partner and he would def be that. I feel like I need more, I need him to say “had a great night tonight, I really like you, can’t wait to see you again etc” that’s what I feel I want.

Four dates isn’t boyfriend territory. If you already aren’t happy with the dynamic then end things.

I feel like I should give it a bit longer maybe but how long? I always think do I expect too much and I try to be a bit chilled, then I realise it isn’t quite going the way I want it to, although it is still early days obviously. We’ve probably spent about 14 hour together in total.

He's not a bf after 4 dates and I would get shot of him. If he's not asking you now then when will he given dating is about finding about each other.

It really bothers me if someone isn't curious, and I've found if I've needed to prompt potential dates if there is anything they want to know about me I get a very generic question back like what's your favourite cheese...

Either the art of conversation and flirting has taken a substantial nosedive since I was last sociable, or age and sobriety has wised me up!

Id give them a opportunity and ask some more probing questions, and ask directly what they'd like to know about you.

There are loads of good probing questions you can ask to build intimacy, asking about favourite childhood memories is a good starter, and doing it on voicenote works well.

Ah this would bother me. I’m doing OLD and if they haven’t asked anything about me within the first 24 hours of messages then I give up. I want someone who’s interested in me and I think that’s a basic reasonable standard to have!

A pp asked whether the art of conversation has taken a nose dive and honestly I think it has.

The not asking you any questions about yourself thing is just plain odd and indicates he just sees you as a FWB or place holder until someone he really likes comes along. Get rid.

Not RTFT but I think you’re being a bit harsh if this is the only potential issue. Some people grow up being told it’s nosy to ask people questions about their lives, unfortunately I'm one of them as my mum has a hang-up about it. Yes people can and should evolve as adults, but all I’m saying is asking questions doesn’t come naturally to all of us.

YABU to have let this get past date one.

This is a deal breaker for me. If he’s not curious and interested in you now, he’ll be even worse 6 months down the line. Also, he’s not your boyfriend.

I know he’s not my bf just called him that for sake of explaining. Not a FWB either as we haven’t even got that far yet. Previous to this I was seeing someone for 5 months recently and he wasn’t my bf either 🥴

I would agree with a PP that some people are brought up that asking questions is nosy, others are brought up that not asking questions is rude etc, but he's trying to date you!

A man who doesn't ask you questions is just trying to fill the girlfriend shaped hole in his life, and isnt actually interested in meeting a great person to be a good partner to.

I would tell him how you feel. That you love spending time with him but you feel he never shows interest in you.

And then put the ball in his court. Stop asking him questions. Of it leads to a silence, let the silence sit. Let him feel it.

It's actually one of the biggest red flags in the world (and all too common): no interest in you, your life experiences, your career, your own interests beyond the shared ones; no trying to find out what is special and distinct about you. Please walk away!

I wouldn’t have got past the first date. How is he just not interested in asking you anything? I would find that really hard to understand. Also, after 4 dates and still interested, he should totally be texting things like ‘had a great time, can’t wait to see you again’ etc. If he’s not thinking these things, then he really shouldn’t continue asking you on dates.

Wow you can really tell the posters who never ask questions on this thread 😂

YANBU at all OP. I'm in a LTR now but was OLD a few years ago and it was the biggest ick to me, would never get a second date with those ones and would tell them why.
One guy it was so awful I thought I'm not going to see him again so I just gave up and we sat in silence. At one point he had the gumption to say 'Soooo....what else can I say'. It was painful.
Another one again I knew his whole career history, from year bloody 7 all the way to present day, his mums name and where she lived, dogs name and breed, with a potted timeline of photos, and that his best mate was currently in Krakow and the inner workings of his friendship circle. Absolutely nothing back from him when I asked him questions.
At the end of the date he messaged saying what a great time he had (of course he had, he'd had a human sounding board for the last hour!) and he'd like to see me again.
I'd had enough at this point so I just replied something like 'I tell you what, I'll go on another date with you if you can tell me what my job is'.
He replies 'lol you got me there 😂😂'

It's exhausting and as you say baffling. Do these people just not care? Or think you'll just offer up the information randomly and awkwardly dropped into conversation when you can get a word in edgeways?

I've always believed a conversation should be a tennis match, just some people like to hold the ball.

Throw this one back. Once you've noticed it you won't be able to unnotice it.

This is so bizarre. And yes, it's rude.

How do you ever find out about someone?

How do you ever know their job/family/feelings on something?

Do you not ask your OH how they're day was because it's 'rude'? Or your kids how school was? Or for feedback at work?

Honestly your mum is wrong and she will have lost out by being this way. I can pick up on these sorts of people very quickly and my heart sinks.

The best is when you get two of them together (presumably you and your mum?)

I was in a queue the other day and the 'conversation' went like this of two older women in front of me.

1 - Hi Sandra
2 - Oh hi Rachel! I'm just doing my weekly shop, the prices here are much better, I think the lamb is on offer, they have...
1 - Yes I'm here to get my grandson a present, he's 5 today look here he is (gets phone out)
2 - My Archie is 4 now. Oh he's such a handsome boy. He starts school in September. Here (shoves phone in her face) Look he's got Michelle's eyes you can see, his dad works at....
1 - Ah here it is, this is Louie. (starts scrolling) this was us at the beach last week haha he loved the sandcastles, he said to me 'nanny can we live in a sandcastle' hahahahaha
2- Louie wouldn't like that, he doesn't like sand
1 - Oh here's another one, oh look at him, he had found a ladybird but oh he was so gentle, he put it right on his hand here you can see
2 - Here it is, I knew it was here somewhere. This was Louie when he was 2 oh my gosh he was tiny hes always been on the smaller side, but then so was my Michelle
1 - Best be off, got to get this lamb
2 - Yes, bye then.

I was stood in bafflement 😂
Did either of them leave them 'conversation' thinking 'wow that was great to see her, how lovely to catch up'

Some men are content to see a woman they’re not really that bothered about, for any length of time- for sex, female company, female attention, something to do. Just because you’re not having sex yet doesn’t mean he’s into you. Ditch.

I do know some people a bit like this. As a friend in small doses it's fine, but in a relationship you end up resentful as it's so one sided. And if you don't ask them anything they still blather on about themselves into oblivion. Yawn.

So yeah, I'd say it won't get better. If you really fancy him then ONS/FWB at a push. Otherwise I'd leave it.

@cranberryhaddockwhen you’re dating it’s rude to ask questions about someone? Are you for real? 😂😂 So you date something and get into a relationship with them knowing nothing about them?! How can you be in a relationship with them?! The whole point of dating is to get to know them.

@Hallywallyand these are the exact thoughts I’m having. I had high hopes aswell as I didn’t meet him on OLD, we met at a car show as we have the same car in common, so I thought this will be fab. First date - lunch date, chatted about himself whole 2 hours. Second date - fun date so not much time to talk, but went there and back in same car - still no questions at all. We both have kids, jobs, ex’s, parents etc. He has not asked me a single question. He’s been single 2 years, and I’ve only been single about 2 months so part of me though is he just lonely? Does he just want female company. I’m honestly gutted

@DiscoBobyes I don’t really fancy him either, but I was hoping that might get better the more we got to know each other. I feel like I know all about him, and he knows nothing about me. I’d like to ask him a few things next time I see him to see if he knows. Maybe I’ll say to him are you really Intrested as you don’t seem to ask me anything. I think he’s a little shy, he seemed really nervous on the first date.