Dating - am I unreasonable to just nip it in the bud?

[MondeoFan]

Started seeing a new bf and have had 4 dates so far. The dates have been lovely, but he doesn’t ask me any questions at all. Like not a single thing? I think this is weird! Isn’t he interested in finding out about me or my life. I’ve told him a few bits willingly but he hasn’t asked. He texts daily when we can’t see each other but sometimes he won’t message all day and only much later in the evening. Am I overthinking it? Or should I just nip it in the bud and tell him I think the reason is he doesn’t seem really interested? The dates go really well, and when I get home I always think awwww how lovely it was. Should I give it a bit longer?

It's SO not new. I remember a game feminists played back in the late Seventies, early Eighties. Meet a man at a party or dinner, say nothing, just listen, nod, smile as he bangs on about himself or his important opinions, and then ask if he'd like to finish your dessert as you can't manage it. He will then tell everyone you are a) a brilliant conversationalist and b) ask mutual friends for your number as he is desperate to see you again. I played it a few times and sadly, it worked every time. It just made me scorn those men.

I also remember a rather seedy friend of my dad's boasting that all you have to do to get a woman into bed is to listen to her, because no other men bother to do that and she'll be so grateful. Ah, the Seventies. It's come around again.

I struggle to ask people questions about themselves as in my head I feel im being rude and that if they wanted me to know they would tell me.
Im an open book personality so appear outgoing but a person fell out with me as they felt I didnt ask them questions. It was a bit of a wake up call as I wasnt aware that I was being rude.
I usually hope if someone asks me I tell them and then they tell me their info.

I obviously can't tell not having met your chap, but my friend has recently got together with a man who literally never asks anyone a single question, though he listens and nods when told things, has friends of his own and introduces my friend to them, is glad to go with her anywhere she suggests, and talks about himself readily enough. He clearly adores my friend and is a loyal and considerate partner and she's very happy with him.
I don't know why he doesn't ask questions but I'm guessing that he is neurodiverse in some way and simply doesn't recognise that questions are polite and friendly.
For what its worth.

You’re not funny. You’re an ass ..
Costs nothing to be nice , whether that’s in real life or like you , lurking behind a screen …

Agree. But after 4 dates isn’t that time.

This would bother me. I would wonder if he actually wants ME or just a girlfriend with any woman doing.

Okay when is though? Because after 4-5 dates and possibly physical intimacy you are about to get attached. If you find stuff out after that that makes you incompatible you are more inclined to stay in the relationship. That leads to horrible awful break ups and even entering into parenting situations together that cause huge upset to children as well as both of the adults involved.

You just have to work out what you want and what's important to you. He's not going to get any better in this respect, he's going to get worse.
Someone asking about me and showing an interest in me, making me feel like they actually like me rather than 'a woman', is essential criteria on my list. Not everyone's like that and maybe it's not essential to you.

I think I’ve posted this before on here, but I went on a really painful date a few years ago, where the guy had no conversational skills at all. We’d gone to an Italian restaurant and both had pizza. I did my utmost to be curious and interested in him, to no avail! I’d ask a question, he’d answer minimally, then silence…nothing back to me…so I asked another question, minimal answer, followed by silence (this went on for what seemed like hours! 🥴)

Eventually (like another poster did) I just ‘left the silence’ and waited…looking at him expectantly, hoping he’d be spurred into ‘something/anything’. He just sat there and then asked…wait for it…’So what else do you want to know about me?’

I replied with, ‘I think I’ve learned enough already thanks…but if you can tell me one thing you’ve learned about me tonight, I’ll pay for dinner!’

He looked utterly shocked…thought for a minute and said…’erm, you like pizza!’ 🤦‍♀️

Ffs!! 🥴🤷‍♀️

He’s not looking for a long term relationship or he just sees you as a fling sorry OP but if he was serious about you he would be asking all kinds of questions and getting to know all about you. Do you know a lot about him or is he cagey? And yes 4 dates is not a boyfriend

I noticed this often when I was OLD. So many men have no idea how to make conversation that is reciprocal. They can talk about themselves and their interests, it can even feel fun and entertaining if they are charismatic but then you realise they have shown almost no interest in you. I think it's entitlement - we know from research that men on the whole talk more than women in mixed groups and male socialisation tells them they are important and special and subconsciously I think many men just don't see women as very important or interesting. They want a relationship because they want affection, interest and intimacy but they don't really see women as entire real humans who require the same effort back. It's depressing.

This is one thing that makes me get rid of people too! I am naturally curious and possibly ask too many questions! But when I get 2 or 3 dates in and realise they have asked nothing back, it's quite hurtful. Appreciate that some people believe that asking too many questions is rude, but how else do you get to know people?!
Recently had 3 dates with a guy... He has asked me nothing, then sent me a message to tell me how much he liked me! He knew nothing about me 🙄 massively gave me the ick and I ended things.

UPDATE - so I saw him last night, we had a takeaway at his. I chatted to him about my job a fair bit as I’ve only just gone back to work after having the Summer off. He told me he’s been on Seraltine since the beginning of this year. I’m now wondering if this is contributing to how he is? I’ve noticed at times he is a bit emotionless. He speaks really calmly etc as I believe he’s just a really calm and laid back person. I live about 35 mins drive from him and when I left his he didn’t even say “let me know you get home alright” which is what I would expect even someone leaves my house at 11.30pm. I think I’m just going to cut my losses 😌

@Empress13hes def looking for long term as he told me so. I don’t think it’s a fling as we haven’t had any physical activity yet. I know everything about him. He’s been single 2 years after splitting up with his gf, who has since moved on and had a baby with someone else, so I know he’s keen to get into a relationship. I do think he’s a bit shy, and a calm chilled person, but I just feel like he doesn’t know me properly, only surface level that he knows from being in the same car club.

@JHound my thoughts too 😌

I think it’s going nowhere OP. I can’t get past that you don’t fancy him. He’s still not interested in finding out about you. I don’t know what the medication indicates but he’s obviously got some issues he’s trying to get help for. I would just put him in the acquaintance box and hold out for a relationship that would make you happy. This doesn’t sound like it would. I take it you haven’t even kissed?

Morning OP ..
If I were to say anything it would be this ..
Yes , you’d imagine he would say ‘ let me know you get home ok ‘ , he’s a bit odd isn’t he really 🤷🏻‍♀️

But this is harsh, OP isnt asking whether she should go out with him in general, or suggesting she puts up with everything, she's asking whether the specific behaviour of never asking questions is something to be concerned about, within her overall feeling of being a bit put off.

On the actual question you are asking OP...

There is a famous trope that male friends simply swap information rather than asking questions. The Nick Hornby books of the 90s were all about men listing their top 10 footballers or records as a way to get to intimacy. The recent new Mitchell and Webb comedy series (about 50 year old men) has a spoof called "middle aged man island" where the producers off camera are pleading with the middle aged men to have a conversation, because so far the show is just them sitting in chairs. After much thought they can only do "How are you...?" then the other one replies "Fine thanks" incredibly quickly to shut down further questions. It's funny because it is an exaggerated version of male friendship. David Mitchell elsewhere has joked that "taking turns to mansplain to each other is just normal male friendship".

So obviously that's just a few comedy takes - but the underlying truth is that maybe men are more socialised to turn take in different ways. He might be thinking you are very passive OP because you aren't holding up your end of the conversation by sharing similar facts and opinions about your life. He might be expecting you to simply take the floor and issue information about yourself. This might be exacerbated as you were hobby friends first, so swapping info about cars and music is a sort of natural stance for him in conversation with you.

The person who went on a date and the guy said "so, what else can I say...?" that was a clumsy invitation to take up the turn and take the conversation/information baton.

However, he might just be a dick!! As he's offered loads about himself and his back story, so he should be able to take turns more gracefully. And especially if the way he takes turns cuts you off and he stops you if you start to reply. If you cut in and nod and say "yes, my last relationship ended a bit weirdly too..." He should really at that point let you talk, yield the floor and signal he cares and is listening.

I have quite a high tolerance for info dumping and swapped monologues, perhaps due to living with a lot of ND people though the years, so I don't see it as inherently uncaring that someone offers information. I actually find Sandra and her friend in the supermarket a rather heart warming vignette and I would feel happy to see them do that!

But everyone has their own expectations of what they would need in a partner.

I think you’ve given it more time than most would. He’s sounds really dull and you’re not even attracted to him. You need to move on.

You either need to cut your loses and move on or have an open honest conversation with him which would involve you saying that you like him however you feel he doesn’t show much interest in you and you want to know if this is a personality trait.

If you want something from him, ask. He can either deliver and make you happy or not and you move on.

Oh god he sounds like my exBF! Well I say BF but looking back he really was just a gig buddy and while this was great, got me out and about after my divorce and actually led to me meeting my now wonderful partner, it was never a relationship.
He never asked how I was, asked anything about me or gave me any compliments. I even asked him once to say one nice thing about me and he couldn't!
After being apart for the first 5 months of lockdown I was excited to see him but he wasn't bothered at all, not even a hug.
It wasn't a wasted few years, it got me on the road back to being myself again, but it certainly wasn't a healthy relationship.

@BetterOffNow he’s given me like 2 compliments. One saying how gorgeous I am on a text after the first date and the second one was about my legs after the 2nd date. Nothing since. I’d like him to say “I’m glad we are getting on well” or “I miss you”
or “I’ve been thinking about you” maybe but nothing. No more compliments, no questions unless you count “what do you want to eat”
I’m a big conversationalist both in person and via text etc. I wanted to text him “good morning” but thought why should I bother?

It doesn't sound like you're on the same wavelength really. I guess you have 2 choices - either let him know your expectations and give him a chance to meet them or ditch him and find someone you're better suited to.
Just don't do what I did and stick with him for years coz he was better than the last one - the bar had been set VERY low!

@DaisyChain505 and this is my next plan of action. I need to give him the chance I think to rectify the issues. Because probably as far as he’s aware there are no issues. Then if nothing changes I will have no choice other than to move on

Why, though? Why do you need to give him a chance?! You don’t fancy this man, he’s shown minimal interest in you and you describe him as ‘emotionless’. Why have you not just left it? Because you have no uncomfortable silences, not awkward eating in front of each other, we seem to get on well, like the same music and similar cars? Seriously? That’s quite possibly the lowest bar I have ever encountered.

Even if you REALLY want a boyfriend (as one can only assume from your persistence with this), are there really no other men available where you are?