Dating - am I unreasonable to just nip it in the bud?

[MondeoFan]

Started seeing a new bf and have had 4 dates so far. The dates have been lovely, but he doesn’t ask me any questions at all. Like not a single thing? I think this is weird! Isn’t he interested in finding out about me or my life. I’ve told him a few bits willingly but he hasn’t asked. He texts daily when we can’t see each other but sometimes he won’t message all day and only much later in the evening. Am I overthinking it? Or should I just nip it in the bud and tell him I think the reason is he doesn’t seem really interested? The dates go really well, and when I get home I always think awwww how lovely it was. Should I give it a bit longer?

You don’t fancy him either jeez why are you bothered ? Genuine question

Wowser I too am really starting to wonder why you are continuing to give him the time of day! This is not meant to be goady but genuinely do you think that you cannot do any better? Do you think you have a low opinion of yourself?

Firstly OP has said she always goes for the “ exciting” guys , but they always end up cheating on her , so this time round she has gone for a different type , they get on well , have similar interests, are comfortable with one another, that’s not having a low bar ! & the more you like someone sometimes the more attracted you can be to them as time goes on 🤷🏻‍♀️
She’s taking a different approach this time , there’s nothing wrong with that , doesn’t mean your bar is low !

I think personally he is odd though , that’s why I wouldn’t be bothering with him if I was her ….

Much as I dislike the MN tendency to 'diagnose' an ASD whenever socially inept behaviour's mentioned, I think you may be looking at one here. Or it could be the MH condition for which he's taking Sertraline or the drug itself. Antidepressants often quash libido and cause 'flattened affect' (emotional blunting).

Imho you are describing an abnormal experience here, not just an everyday communication mismatch. If it's caused by a temporary illness or medication, you don't know who he is without it. If it's symptomatic of a long-term condition, you're seeing the best he can do in the general way of things.

You seem invested enough to try and get to grips with the situation, so you could ask about these things while explaining what you need from him. I will caution STRONGLY against dropping yourself in a support / coaching role, though! You come across as a lovely person, socially fluent and fun to be around. You deserve to be with people who celebrate and enhance you.

Do try and read people's posts properly before you weigh in with the oh-so-edgy crying with laughter emojis. I didn't say I thought it was rude to ask questions, I said I grew up being told it was.

After 4-5 dates you should definitely know if you fancy him or not, do you still not fancy him…..if not it’s pointless

You really don't. Mumsnet is full of stories of men who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves when single yet revert to complete helplessness when they move in with a substitute mummy.

@GarlicPint thank you so much 🙏🏻 all of these points are very valid. As for the Asd, I was wondering this myself. I work with children with some Asd and some with just speech and language issues and now I’m getting to know him a bit more I have been considering if it’s indeed Asd. Or as you said could be another mental health condition which is the reason for the Seraltine.

I am probably going to have to move on from it and tell him I’m happy to stay friends. As we are in the same car club obviously I don’t want it to be awkward or anything.

but before this I am going to have a gentle chat with him about everything. Ask him how he thinks it’s going, tell him my expectations and give him half a chance at least to try his best to meet them.

She doesn’t fancy him, he’s emotionless and has shown no interest in getting to know her. Them ‘getting on well’ is him talking about himself while she listens and occasionally attempts to interject something about herself. Ditto ‘being comfortable around each other’.

If you think liking the same music and cars (the only interests she’s stated they share) isn’t a very low bar, then I’m afraid I disagree.

I just don’t think saying it’s having a low bar is how i would describe it , that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Like I said , I think he’s an odd guy & given what OP has said , I wouldn’t be interested in seeing him at all ..

This is the no.1 reason I wouldn’t bother to explore dating someone new. If they aren’t interested in getting to know you properly from the beginning they never will.

It is also really boring to sit and hear someone talk about themselves for 2 hours.

I have pushed on with people like this and it’s always turned into being all about them ALL the time, and on occasion narcissistic traits have emerged. I actually think it’s a potential flag for narcissism if they don’t ask you a single thing. They want you because you look good on their arm and boost their ego and you listening to them talking about themselves for hours makes them feel even better. Zero self awareness is not attractive either.

You can find much better.

@Addictedtohotbaths I agree with this. Zero self awareness, doesn’t even realise he’s spoke about himself for 2 hours on the first date. He knew I had kids and we are in the same car club and he knew where I lived. Literally all he knew. Didn’t ask about my job, how old my kids are etc
i had to listen to why him and his ex split up, where he used to live, where he lives now, where his mum and dad live, his job, his hobbies, his fave food, literally everything.

Are you 100% sure he realises these are dates and not just two friends meeting up? Especially given his (apparent) low social/emotional intelligence.

@LittleMonks11 well I think so because he asked me at the car club whether I wanted to go on a “lunch date” next week. Then asked me “shall we do a fun date next time?”

Bloody hell I’d rather watch paint dry than go out on a date with him.