Dating - am I unreasonable to just nip it in the bud?

[MondeoFan]

Started seeing a new bf and have had 4 dates so far. The dates have been lovely, but he doesn’t ask me any questions at all. Like not a single thing? I think this is weird! Isn’t he interested in finding out about me or my life. I’ve told him a few bits willingly but he hasn’t asked. He texts daily when we can’t see each other but sometimes he won’t message all day and only much later in the evening. Am I overthinking it? Or should I just nip it in the bud and tell him I think the reason is he doesn’t seem really interested? The dates go really well, and when I get home I always think awwww how lovely it was. Should I give it a bit longer?

How have you actually got through four dates without him asking any questions? I'm not sure how a date can 'go well' if only one person is putting in the effort. Takes two to have a conversation! Lack of curiosity is very dull. Sounds boring to me, that he can't make the effort to ask one single question about you.
Even if he's shy, by the 2nd date you'd think he'd feel comfortable enough to find out more about you with a question or two!

@Lovetosurfi know what you’re saying, I just meant well as in “no awkward silences” and we have stuff in common. Talked about cars mainly as that’s our mutual interest, and what gigs look good for next year. But he literally doesn’t know how old my kids are, where I work, where I grew up, if my parents are still around etc…I feel like I know everything about him including why him and his ex split up, what cars his immediate neighbours have, his fave food, etc

to fill the girlfriend shaped hole in his life

This is it. After four dates, he's shown zero interest in WHO you are; he's basically using you as "some female company" and only cares about what you can do for him - be a flattering mirror for his ego, appreciate his opinions on cars and music, look nice enough. He doesn't see you as a fully-formed human being in your own right.

I can hear your disappointment, OP, but in my experience it isn't worth investing yourself in someone you have to teach to be a halfway decent partner. It always goes wrong.

Hah, why did they split up in his view?
Does he actually know who his ex was??

@GarlicPinthe told me she “made some poor financial decisions” and they are still on speaking terms. I was waiting for him to say “because she went to work and I didn’t think she even had a job” haha

goodness gracious- if they ask questions they are “too nosy” if they don’t they “don’t care” - you just can’t win with this generation of perfectionist expectations!

Ask yourself- Are you enjoying your time when with him? If yes, stop overthinking and take it a day at a time.
if you want to share about yourself, do, if not don’t. He is being respectful towards you, appreciate it. He obviously wants to know you, why else is he asking you out again and again.
good luck

This exactly 👌

Quite honestly I find men are generally not interested in us or our lives.
I've had evenings at the clubs and hobbies I go to where a man will talk at me about himself all evening if allowed and end up not even knowing my name while I end up knowing all about him.
I don't let this happen any more, if a man does this I'll just say how nice and walk off to talk to someone else.
It's sadly so common.

You don't fancy him and he doesn’t ask you any questions? Come on, OP, stop wasting your precious time.

@Jackiepumpkinhead haha problem is I always go for the wrong type of men the more “exciting ones” and they always treat me like crap, lie, cheat etc so this time I’ve tried to meet someone in a more “conventional way” someone I already have a common interest with, I know for sure he’s definitely single and is a well liked and respected member of the car club. I think for now I’ll just have to see how it goes, and maybe say to him “how come you don’t ask anything about me” I just thought I’d ask the much trusted mumsnetters first. And yes I don’t immediately fancy him but thought as I got to know him, hopefully the fancy bit will all come together.

Anyone that comes on here & says ‘ some people just aren’t nosy , & it’s great he isn’t all questions’ please FFS !!
4 th date , doesn’t know where OP works , how old her kids are , hasn’t asked her one thing about herself !
That’s just weird..
Dating is about getting to know one another …
Isn’t it plain to God he should be interested in these things ..

You don’t fancy him. It doesn’t really sound like he fancies you. Don’t spend another minute on this. Life is too short.

So he wants a serious relationship. In his mind what does that entail, exactly?

Talk about that next with him. What you offer one another and what obligations you have for one another.

After this talk about life goals and things like that.

Before you even think of committing to him to have kids you need to know

parenting styles
is hitting okay?
home ed or school
views on medical stuff
political views
co-sleeping or own room at 6 months?
support you breastfeeding?
will he do half the house chores

etc. etc. etc.

Jesus christ they've been on 4 dates 😂😂

WILL HE SUPPORT YOU BREASTFEEDING HAHAHAHA.
This is iconic.

@Onthebusses I am too old to have any more kids. So the kids thing is defo out the question. He has his own house and it’s immaculate so I already know he’d do half the house chores

I said my mum was like that, and that I was brought up being told it was nosy to ask questions. I said it didn't come naturally to me as an adult and it doesn't, but your assumption that as an adult I don't ask questions is incorrect. That's because of the growing and evolving I referred to.

Whether it's 'rude' not to ask questions depends entirely on how many and what kind of questions are asked, though, imo. Some people ask so many that it can start to feel like an interrogation, which I think is just as rude as not asking any questions at all. Especially if they interrupt the other person while they're still answering their last question to ask another one. I'd prefer someone not ask me any questions at all than do that, personally.

"Don't ask him about it. Men don't like to be asked questions. It's why they never ask us any; they're leading by example"

If this one were leading by example, he'd be expecting OP to vomit her entire life history, parental pedigrees, pets' names and habits, etc, all over him while he smiles and nods! So where's his leading question/invitation to share?

Just an example of the things you need to iron out.

Should they split is he going to demand a baby is with him half the time?
Is he going to tell you you can't do it in public?
Is he going to tell you it's weird past 1 year?

People fail to work this stuff out and suffer the consequences.

OP he's not looking for personal discussion or integration with another person's life. He just wants someone who listens to him and meets his basic needs to talk about hobbies with. If you look presentable in his tidy house I expect he'll continue to meet you but there's no spark or excitement.
Likewise, I expect sex would be on his terms and your opinion wouldn't matter.
If this type of relationship isn't working for you, you can move on. Even if the next one has more stress if it includes emotions at least it won't be dull.

They’ve had 4 dates…

Ah okay, well still ensure you are able to live with him before you live with him.

If you don't really fancy him forget it!

I didn’t go on a second date with an otherwise decent guy for this exact reason. The very few questions he did ask me, he interrupted me and starting telling his own related story :opinion over mine.
he wanted an audience, not to get to know me as a human.

If you're dissatisfied this early on, then he's not for you. I would feel the same as you btw.