Dating - am I unreasonable to just nip it in the bud?

[MondeoFan]

Started seeing a new bf and have had 4 dates so far. The dates have been lovely, but he doesn’t ask me any questions at all. Like not a single thing? I think this is weird! Isn’t he interested in finding out about me or my life. I’ve told him a few bits willingly but he hasn’t asked. He texts daily when we can’t see each other but sometimes he won’t message all day and only much later in the evening. Am I overthinking it? Or should I just nip it in the bud and tell him I think the reason is he doesn’t seem really interested? The dates go really well, and when I get home I always think awwww how lovely it was. Should I give it a bit longer?

Honestly I think this can be a man thing (not all men but a lot of them). My DP is a bit like this. He's a lovely man but his brain will naturally go to talking about (say) music and cars [or insert relevant common interest], not people / relationships / social things.

If he meets up with his friend, I might say afterwards, Oh how is Fred's new baby? And he will say, Oh I don't know, we just talked about the new X album.

Some people don't ask questions because they don't want to come across as intrusive or interrogating.

Some people don't ask questions because they're very self-absorbed and are only interested in themselves.

I feel like it's always pretty easy to work out which one's which. The former will talk about non-personal topics (music, politics, sport) which let you offer your own opinion without necessarily being asked - and that's how they find out more about you. The latter will talk about themselves, their lives, their personal anecdotes at great length - sometimes they can be entertaining but they're really not interested in you!

It’s tough out there! I think you’re right to mention the lack of interest and questions to him, and go from there. I wish you luck, and don’t settle for any less than you deserve!

🤣 why are you bothering?!

@PigletSanders good question. I think it’s because we are both in the same car club, I thought it was really going to work but I just feel disappointed in how it’s going. I will give it one more time of seeing him and will ask him this week about how he thinks it’s going 🥴

I'm also OLD, after my divorce. And tbh I dont think mumsnet AIBU is a great space for dating advice at all. A lot of responders haven't dated for years and are very quick to tell you to 'chuck him back' at any sign of imperfection... despite tolerating some absolutely shocking behaviour from DHs!!
In this situation, I think you could gently let him know that you'd really like him to demonstrate his interest in you by asking questions. See what he does with the prompt, then decide. Dont 'chuck him back' without giving him a chance to do what you want! Good luck 👍

Nope, it's just that a lot of men are self absorbed and see women as the supporting cast.

I don’t really see a problem with not texting all day, and only at night.

You obviously don’t fancy him, so call it a day.

Good grief, these aren't questions you ask when you're four dates in! Well, not in my experience anyway.

Discuss all that before you enter into a situation where you are heading for anything serious.

How can you say the dates have gone really well yet say in the same breath that he shows no interest in you?

Youve also said you don’t really fancy him.

Why would you want to continue this?

@DaisyChain505 I think the dates have gone well, as in no uncomfortable silences, not awkward eating in front of each other, we seem to get on well, like the same music and similar cars. But he doesn’t ask me a single question . I asked him about his kids, his job, etc but after 4 dates I noticed he hadn’t asked me a single thing and was pondering why. Just wanted confirmation on here as to whether it’s weird or not

You don't fancy him. You don't think he texts enough. You don't think he's enthusiastic enough about your dates. You don't think he seems very interested in you as a person. You haven't had sex.

I really don't understand what the dilemma is here. He's a man you've only seen four times and you don't find him attractive so just move on.

Agreed. My mum told me it was rude to ask questions. It fucked me up.
@MondeoFan Have you tried telling him that it’s ok for him to ask questions?

Agreed. My mum told me it was rude to ask questions. It fucked me up.
@MondeoFan Have you tried telling him that it’s ok for him to ask questions?

I dated someone exactly like this. He wouldn't ask me anything about myself and it never improved over a year.

I told him that i felt like I could be absolutely anyone filling the role of his girlfriend because he showed no interest in knowing me on a personal level. He just wanted that slot filled.

Just end things because if they're not naturally curious, they never will.be.

Asking me questions and taking an interest in me is a deal breaker for me (and a pretty low bar)

He should be at maximum effort now. Imagine in a few years - you'll never get asked how your day was!

Its not too much to expect some interest in you personally from a potential longterm mate. Are you sure he isn't just after sex? Or maybe he wants something platonic.
Sorry OP, but depending on what you think about these, you could talk to him and ask him about his apparent lack of interest. But if he is just using you, move on.

I would definitely see this as a red flag. I was in a relationship with a guy quite a few years ago,who, looking back on it now,I realize he had zero interest in me. Stupidly I let it go on for a year (was in a bit of a bad place when we met,my DM had just died,so I don't think I was really thinking straight). It dawned on me how little notice he paid to things that I said 8 months into the relationship when it was my 48th birthday,he gave me a card saying 'Happy 50th Birthday' on it. And he only got me that because I'd told him the day before that it was my birthday the next day. He had no idea about any aspects of my life,my family,my preferences. Even after a year,he couldn't have told you what my favourite meal was,hence him bringing me home a lamb kebab when I'm practically vegetarian!
So yes,now I have the advantage of hindsight,I would think it is a deal breaker.

Maybe if he's sharing info about himself without being prompted by you, he expects you to do the same. I might be tempted to give it one more date and not stop talking about myself for two hours - see how quickly he gets fidgety. But he might show interest. You never know.

You aren't Miss Right.
Just Miss Right Now.
And I bet his dm keeps his house clean and tidy..

I think the not asking questions alone is a red flag. I saw a man who definitely had a noticeable muted interest in my wider life but even he was polite enough to feign interest about the basics. And as a pp said and in my case, these types are looking for any woman to fill their time and boost their ego, hence they don’t ask questions because they don’t actually care.

Apparently it’s a new disease that a lot of men have. Drivelling on endlessly about themselves. I’ve had some of this too. In fact, the last four guys I spoke to on OLD did this. And even if they did ask me anything they quickly interrupted and brought the conversation back to themselves.

Yawn!

This.

Honestly, you sound as desperate to fill a 'boyfriend shaped hole' in your life as he is to fill the girlfriend shaped hole in his.

Your bar is so low it's a trip hazard in hell 😂

He’s not that interested, when they really like you, they want ask questions and learn more about you.