Friend backing off it can’t be because I am looking and feeling better can it?

[Elphabaa]

I have what was a good friend for years and years. We had dc and kept in touch well, if not in person lots of messages and calls and if we could only meet when we had kids with us we still did and it’s always been good even though kids are different ages.

Last time we met, I told friend I was on weight loss injections and had at the time lost a LOT of weight, but she went mad. Really unlike her saying how stupid I am and how unsafe they are to the point I was bouncing between feeling very angry and upset. The last few months have also been good for me and I feel happier than I have in a while. When I was sharing my positive feelings she did not seem to like it (I have had years of stress with parents and other things) in the past she’s always been supportive.

She then didn’t reply to a couple of texts I sent so I left it.

I bumped into her in our local supermarket last week and she appeared really awkward but said ‘we need to catch up’ so I thought great and messaged her to which she said basically thank you for asking her family and kids are all ok, answered a question I asked about her dd at uni and didn’t answer about catching up.

I am thinking just walk away now?

probably jealous

shes no friend

That's really shitty of her. She's not your friend.

Well you've certainly written it in a way that points towards it being that.

Give her another chance - you don’t know what’s going on in her life and what other factors may be impacting her. I would leave it a while and then re-engage. Focus a message on her - how she is doing etc. if no or shitty response - you have your answer. BUT it could be something is happening in her life that you are just not aware of

Some good advice there from @GlosGirl82 You do not know what is happening in your friend's life. I would send her a friendly text focusing on her and her family and see what comes back. If you get a perfunctory or no reply then leave it. I know from experience that long term friendships can drift apart for reasons that are not readily identifiable at the time. Its hurtful because for you it is unfinished business and you have been left to simply speculate whether you "did anything wrong".

With a few changed details you could be the person I’ve massively backed away from who is also on weight loss jabs and looks fantastic, on Facebook, she genuinely does.

However I’d made the decision to back away prior to her weight loss journey because she was a mood hoover! Every single time I met her I came away pretty low after what felt like a therapy session for her! The last time I saw her my husband had been extremely unwell with sepsis and I was having horrendous gynaecology issues and hadn’t been at work for over a month. She never once asked or gave me room to talk about myself. I left with her knowing not one thing about my troubles.

Shes posted a few passive aggressive statements on Instagram hinting the same, but it’s nothing to do with how she looks- she was just a really shitty friend. I serviced a few messages but have no more room for negativity like that.

Did you go mad when your friend said she was on WLI? And say how stupid she is? Like OP's "friend?."

she went mad. Really unlike her saying how stupid I am and how unsafe they are
It does sound like it's to do with the WLI. How weird of her. She probably prefers you being heavier for some reason.

Seems to be a thing based on how often it comes up on mumsnet. People can't win as if they lose weight and don't attribute it to WLI I've seen posts complaining about them "not being honest."

Don't bother with her unless she makes a big effort to make amends. Best to surround yourself with people who want what's best for you not mean girl jelly types.

As they say 'misery loves company'. People are supportive when there's drama... but then hate it when those same people are doing well, ie, better than them.

A good friend would be pleased for you.

I'd let this friendship slide and not think any more about it.

I was wondering this too. Maybe the timing was unfortunate, but you say you had a lot of problems before and maybe she just felt you were too much. The other thing is some people seem to like helping people, but then get jealous when they are no longer needed. Strange but true.

This does happen. And there are also friends who love you while they need you BUT when fortunes reverse, show no inclination to return the favour. Similar to @Pippa12's ex-friend: they want you to carry on in your role as support animal, now gushing over how great they are and deserve to be so blissfully happy, being oblivious or even hostile to the troubles you're facing.

Some years ago, I lost four or five stone. Some of my close friends reacted really badly. There would be lots of remarks (“I never thought you cared what you looked like” or “Losing weight won’t change your life”) and insisting that I ate specific foods which broke my plan. I don’t think some people like you losing weight. Maybe it’s a competitive thing - they like you to stay the same.

The people I know personally that went on massive weight loss 'journeys' turned into self-centred bores. You might be different, but I know several who were absolutely obsessed, from going on about each calorie and sharing every gym routine.
It felt like the ones who joined certain weight loss groups and boot camps joined a cult. Three left their DHs for partners they met there, none are still together.
This might not be you, but you've written only about weight loss. I can't imagine judging someone for dropping a few dress sizes, unless it changed their personality.

People can be weird about weight loss. I think you do change when you lose
weight. You gain confidence and your focus moves to new things. This may be the reason for your friend’s strange reaction. I would just distance yourself for now and develop other friendships.

No idea if you do this or not but I am sick of hearing endlessly about weight loss injections they are not the messiah

Op this isn’t unusual, and has happened to me too. This friend doesn’t have other factors to worry about otherwise she would have said she had a lot going on.

The fact is some friends prefer the jolly fat friend that you were, and not the empowered, confident positive person you are now. I have lost a few friends for the same reason, as I actually do feel much more confident and it shows. They became intimidated, and couldn’t adjust and would come out with PA comments. Others have been very supportive and kind. She could also be a rescuer, abd be unsure what her role is now. To feel better about herself she has to be rescuing someone.

You are allowed to make the best decisions for you - their insecurity and jealousy is for them to deal with. You do not have to appease others. Your body, your life and it’s your choice.

Ler her come to you, and if she doesn’t you have your answer. She really doesn’t sound like much of a loss.

Yep, she’s jealous and put out. Is she used to being the slimmer one? Or does she want to lose weight?

Some people are weirdly funny about friends losing weight. Is she over weight herself? I would have no problem if a friend of mine was on WLI, though i’d remind them of the pancreatitis risk as i’ve had years of pain and a major surgery from a pancreas disease (caused by rogue gallstone). But ultimately, grown adults know the risks of WLI and totally their choice to accept that as of course plenty of health risks being over weight too.

Some people thrive on others' misery. You've changed the dynamic and upset her world view. Let her go.

No one is going to admit to dumping a friend because they are annoyed the friend lost weight. They'll make up another excuse, so not much point trying to discuss it with her.
It's a coincidence she went mad at you for the first time exactly when you first told her about the WLI and losing weight isn't it!

This has been my experience with losing a lot of weight too. There seems to be an unconscious 'ranking' in friendship and certain things upset this, including weight loss. People feel threatened when you change. Really good friends are happy for you when things go well.

Or is she sick of hearing about it?

Yanbu. Some people are so weird around WLI.

Think you're 'cheating', jealous of weight loss etc.

Ultimately it's jealousy.

OP said she hadn't seen her for a while. Doubt she's sick of hearing about it.

What I have found from reading social media is that many many people, a lot of them women are really messed up about weight, like properly messed up, they are either really unhappy with their own, or being slim is a prize they cherish, so when they see others losing weight, it brings out many negative feelings, envy, resentment, bitterness, anger etc.

you see it on the backlash on wli, some owning it, the obnoxious you’re cheating thing, some hide behind faux concern, the laughable I’m so worried about the long term effects thing, or you will just put it all back on. The screeching desire for people to stop taking them when they reach a certain weight, for people to not be allowed them below a certain bmi so they don’t get slim and stay there. And that’s to strangers on line. Not even friends. The made up stories, my friends all look haunted , they eat as they used to and the fat melts off, or went from a size 20 to a 10 over the summer holidays nonsense.

I realise when I read these silly comments, It’s about them. Not the drugs, not the person losing weight, it’s about them and their feelings on themselves and their place in the social hierarchy, it’s about all their negative feelings rising to the surface.

for many it’s about aesthetics, how slim people, how slim women, look, in comparison to them, not the health benefits, or the health issues that obesity causes, for them in their heads it’s all about appearance.

and it’s the same for your friend, it’s not about you or the drugs, it’s about her, and her feelings on herself. So id stay loosely in touch if you were previous good friends, , but no more, either she will get over it, or she won’t, but do recognise this isn’t about you. It’s about her and her own issues.