Friend backing off it can’t be because I am looking and feeling better can it?

[Elphabaa]

I have what was a good friend for years and years. We had dc and kept in touch well, if not in person lots of messages and calls and if we could only meet when we had kids with us we still did and it’s always been good even though kids are different ages.

Last time we met, I told friend I was on weight loss injections and had at the time lost a LOT of weight, but she went mad. Really unlike her saying how stupid I am and how unsafe they are to the point I was bouncing between feeling very angry and upset. The last few months have also been good for me and I feel happier than I have in a while. When I was sharing my positive feelings she did not seem to like it (I have had years of stress with parents and other things) in the past she’s always been supportive.

She then didn’t reply to a couple of texts I sent so I left it.

I bumped into her in our local supermarket last week and she appeared really awkward but said ‘we need to catch up’ so I thought great and messaged her to which she said basically thank you for asking her family and kids are all ok, answered a question I asked about her dd at uni and didn’t answer about catching up.

I am thinking just walk away now?

@Elphabaa One question : has the wli been prescribed to you by a Dr? I mean are you eligible? I have a friend who is on them but not eligible and not overweight. She just wants to be Posh Spice skinny and find starving herself easy on wli. I do think she's irresponsable and quite stupid (not close friends).

If you are eligible I can see different scenarios:

1. She is overweight herself but not eligible to wli on Nhs so therefore jealous.

1. She's overweight and she felt secure with you both being overweight together and now feels "stranded" by you being slim.

1. She's slim and felt prettier/better than you being so. She's working hard towards staying slim and now thinks you're being handed all on a silver plate while she has to make an effort.

1. She is truly worried about the side effects of the wli and she's scared that you will become ill/die. This is a legitimate concern ofcourse which is why the wli are only prescribed to those who are at greater risk to their health by staying obese than taking the wli. It's a risk-benefit analysis done by professionnals why It's important to actually be eligible for the wli and not just take them because you know someone willing to prescribe them (as my friend).

1. Without you having noticed it you have been talking non-stop about the wli like your New religion (some do) and she was so fed up about it which explains her strong reaction.

Can't think of any other reason.. Which one do you think it is @Elphabaa ?

It depends what your previous conversations were like vs more recent ones.

I don’t give a stuff about clothes, make up and handbags etc. Neither did my friend. Our common interests were our children, camping - sites and equipment - good walks etc.

She lost a lot of weight and started taking a lot of pride in her appearance which was good for her. But that was her new interest and main conversation, clothes, nails etc. I struggled to feign interest so over time we drifted apart. It seemed like we had no common interests anymore.

In your case it’s early days - and I’m with your friend in being a bit concerned about the possible after effects of the weight loss drugs - but if the new, slim you has changed personality it might be time to call it a day.

My instinct is that she doesn’t like you suddenly “doing better”. Either she’s thinner than you and is used to being able to look down on you, or she’s also struggling with her weight and will feel inferior around you in future. Either way, real friends would be happy for you regardless of their own situation.

However, there is the possibility that something’s gone wrong in her life that she’s not told you about. It might be worth sending her one last message saying you’re aware she’s pulled back and you’re worried about her and does she need support with anything. If she doesn’t respond then yes it’s time to walk away I’m afraid.

Probably yes. I watched a video where a psychologist was saying your true friends are the one who are supportive when things are going really great for you, not just when things are going bad.

it really resonated with me as I’ve had close friendships fall apart when things have been going great for me and DH. I suspect that’s what’s happening here and she’s a little jealous.

It could be a few things not necessarily jealousy. She sounded cross that she felt you were putting your health at risk so is she angry with you? Even though it’s your body your choice. Does she normally like to tell you what to do and this time you didn’t discuss with her?
Or it could be that she feels you have changed personality wise. I had a friend who started antidepressants along with a weight loss journey. She went from being judgemental and questioning to “normal”. It really made me step back as why had I put put up with her previous unkind ways.

With all the threads across MN on people falling out, I think I agree.

What a sad state of affairs.

is your friend overweight? It may be she’s taken it personally like you don’t want to look like her. Or if she’s slim it could be as simple as she saw herself as better than you and doesn’t know how to manage your friendship now you’re not. Whatever the reason she has ghosted you so I would match her reason.

Some people only want you as a friend to make themselves feel better, when they feel
superior to you you benefit them. Your friends should be your biggest support during your worst times and biggest champions during your best. Those who aren’t, are not friends. Leave it and continue to live your best life. If it turns out it was something going on in her life then I’m sure she will reach out when ready. xx

Is she overweight and possibly jealous? If you are her "fat friend" she may not like that you are looking great as it makes her feel worse about herself? No one cares that much about other people doing weight loss jabs, I know a couple of people on them, I just think great if it works for you, I've never been overweight though so I'm not in a position to have any other opinion. I guess if you are anti jabs but overweight it might be annoying if your once overweight friends are getting the weight off and looking great, you'd sort of be left behind.

I'd let the friendship fade.

Have you considered she might have things going on in her own life?

My guess is that she doesn’t like the change in the dynamics of your friendship.

I think a lot of people subconsciously put their friends in categories. If she’s a rescuer you might have been the friend who made her feel a bit better about herself/her life in some ways. That’s not to say she wasn’t your friend.

A true friend will be there for you when life is tough, but equally will be delighted for you when things go well. I think I’d take a step back here. If your good fortune is triggering negative feelings in her that’s her problem, not yours.

I have the same friend! Not called Lisa by any chance.😁

I always wonder with people going on about cheating/the safety of WLI etc, whether any of them have ever read the info that comes with paracetamol or do they merrily take them without ever knowing the side effects??

I am sure there has been more time to check the safety of WLI than the safety of the Covid vaccine that I for one took.

Hypocrites most of them. And yes, it probably is jealousy.

I wouldn’t contact her again, and it doesn’t sound that likely that she will contact you but if she does…

The WLI rant was odd - quite the overstep to speak to you like that no matter what her feeling are about them. I wouldn’t be surprised if she hadn’t shown you a side to herself before this that was less than supportive. It may be jealousy but it could equally be something completely unrelated. I certainly wouldn’t be in a rush to find out why - she has shown you at least twice that she is a bit immature (rant, ignoring) for a start.

Your friend needs to have a word with herself.
Why would you lose respect for somebody that is successfully losing weight for the benefit of their health because it's different to how she's doing it? Says more about her than her MIL.
Also the faux worry about the research 😂
There has been a large body of research about the type of drug used in the various injections. They've been around a while in Type 2 diabetes management.

I’d like to know her side of the story.

I’ve distanced myself from one friend who took WLI because it turned her into a completely different person. I couldn’t cope with the diet culture / nothing tastes as good as skinny feels / photo after photo of how small she now looked. She became all about maintaining a much lower bmi than was natural for her, making comments about food, priding herself on eating very little and it came a big part of her personality. I don’t want to be around that or have my children exposed to it.

Each to their own. She is entitled to have feelings.

I know her MIL and agree with her.

I'm wondering if she is overweight too? As it may explain her jealousy.

Some friendships are transactional and often we don’t recognise it. Two people can become friends because they are both single/childless/overweight/drink too much/stuck in crap jobs… as soon as one of them marries/has a baby/loses weight/cuts down drinking/gets a better job - the dynamic changes, the transaction isn’t there anymore. It’s a bit of a shock when it happens but it helps if you’re aware of it.
Maybe you have lost weight and now she’s “ the fat one” ?

Good luck today your friends MIL.
May she continue to shed the pounds, feel amazing about herself and grow in confidence and health unbounded, ( while you two lurk in the background slagging her off). Your friend lives with her....is it MILs house?

Exactly what I thought.

Yes, this is very tiresome.

I agree. And some people would be a lot happier if they stopped giving a shit what other people are doing.

My friend of 15 years ghosted me after I cancelled two get togethers over the Christmas period. I messaged her several times in January to arrange meeting up but got no response. I asked her if I had done something to upset her but got no reply. I contacted a mutual friend to ensure she wasn't ill and he assured me all was well with her.
Every time we met over the previous year I left feeling very down, after what was more like a therapy session for her. She constantly complained about how friends and family treated her and I was always supportive. However, I had been dealing with some serious health issues and she never once asked how I was or what was going on in my life.
Last year she booked tickets for both of us for a theatre show this October. I paid her the £80 for my ticket plus half of the booking fee. The tickets are e-tickets and we both have them on our phones.
I really want to see this show but don't know if I should:

1. Offer to buy her ticket and take another friend with me?
2. Ask her to refund my money so that I can buy another ticket and be seated elsewhere?

(What if she doesn't reply?)

1. Go anyway and see if we can resolve our differences?
2. Not go and just accept the loss?

Thanks in advance for the Mumsnet advice/guidance.

It's possible the friendship is now at an end because she's jealous or otherwise does not like your weight loss. That happens. And there's something about WLIs that can bring out the naivety, poor critical thinking skills and half baked, poorly reasoned moral standards in people who are otherwise ok and are acting in good faith when they do it. There are people who genuinely think they're being helpful and sensible when they do it.

However, I'd perhaps hold fire for a few weeks, message her again to say hi and then see what happens. It would be a shame if the friendship couldn't survive your weight loss, but these things happen.