To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

She's absolutely taking the piss, send her home now.

He’ll probably say I’m “ruining things”

I think as parents that’s our job, sometimes.

YANBU. Time for some boundaries.

I think if your 21year adult son throws a tantrum you have bigger problems on your hands OP

Sorry @CraziiHart you have a son problem not a son's girlfriend problem. Your son should both be paying you rent without question. Perhaps under market value as he is your son, but it should cover his keep with a bit extra. You are doing him no favours by giving him a false sense of reality. It's obvious to see this has harmed his understanding of money based on the fact he has moved his girlfriend in and is treating your home/business in this way.

I would just make it end now.

Starting Monday he needs to pay a weekly rate of XYZ with monthly starting October 1st, due on the 1st of every month. Overnight guests only allowed 2 nights week/max and whatever other terms you decide (they should be buying their own food, toiletries etc.) and they are not to be in the business at any point without an invite from the landlords AND have to pay for whatever they consume. If the bills don't go back to normal you could add a $10 Tariff for every time a guest stays over.

You need to do this or you are not only setting a parttern but you are holding your son back from learning responsibilities. That will only ever harm him in the long run. If this means they save up and get their own place, then they have learned something.

Best wishes.

I would tell DS that the cottage needs to be rented for income and that the pub isn't performing as it should. Additionally he is not paying his way [or growing up in any way] by helping himself to the family fridge compounding matters further.

He needs to move back into the house with board costs / pub shifts to earn his keep or start paying the rent and bills for the cottage.

Girlfriend - treat as a separate issue as she's simply the proverbial straw. If you are going to charge him market rent then he can split the costs with her, that's not a choice for you how they work it out.
But, he needs to sit her down and tell her she either needs to contribute or spend more time at her own house including ablutions, move her stuff out and under no circumstances help herself to pub stock, the family fridge or roam around behind the bar. End of.

I don't charge my kids rent ( I don't need it). But I also don't allow partners to stay over. I don't want non-family in my house.

None of us paid our parents rent and we all learnt how to budget and be responsible nevertheless. And moved out.

I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.”

I feel a bit sorry for her. Doesn't appear anyone has told her what is (not) permitted. You need to spell out what she is (not) allowed to do, not assume she'll guess

You need to speak to your son. Tell him she's welcome to stay a few nights a week but not every night. It's too soon for her to be moving in, but if they insist on it then she's going to have to pay you rent.

She is limited to showering once a day when she's there and she is NEVER to help herself to food from the pub or family kitchen.

At 21 I was married with a mortgage, running my own home.
Having his girlfriend stay over isn’t the problem. What is the problem is treating your home and business like their own private tuck shop.

Swanning about behind the bar would have been the final straw for me!

Lay down some ground rules about not helping themselves, keeping out of the “business “ side of the premises and exercising some control over their use of utilities.
At 21 you can’t really stop him having a girl “sleep” over, but you can tell him he can’t have her live there. Be careful he doesn’t suggest she pays rent or anything which would give her a right to stay as your tenant.
Have you spoken to her parents?

I think you need to set some boundaries. She may be naive about how much things cost. She needs to understand that she not stay at other people house rent free.

It’s definitely one for your son to address and not you. I can’t believe she’s swanning round taking food and acting like she owns the place!

When I lived in my dad’s pub for a short period whilst at uni, I had to work shifts in the pub to pay my way! This meant I had accommodation and food, but I worked 3 nights a week, and I’m family!
shws taking rhebpiss basixlaly, tell her the rent is X and she / your DS buy their own food. Also she’s not to interfere with your business unless it’s professional only - cheeky moo!

Tell the staff to not allow her behind the bar and to not give her anything free.

It’s already incredibly kind that you mentioned a staff discount (I think it was you) as she does nothing to deserve it.

Oh come on this is ridiculous!
people treat you how you let them.
It’s not your sons house either is it’s not his job to tell her some home truths. just be light and say you can’t enter the bar or kitchen, it’s a place of work. She’s not insured to be there anyway she’s not an employee or family. Whilst on the subject say she can stay “” day and “” day only, you work hard and need so down time. Yuo are setting yourself up with every girl taking the piss otherwise

Er . . . Speak to your son who has no right to put you in this position. Tell him it's not on and if he doesn't sort it out he can find somewhere else to live. To be fair to her, he may well have told her it's all fine and she may not have even realised yet thst life comes with costs. Sort him out.

I think you need to get her out of the pub kitchen whatever the deal is unless she is taking it as a job. Use insurance/ health and safety argument in this case.

I feel like mothers of sons need to have a rally cry ‘Parents of girls! Stop palming your daughters off on us!’

The cheek of it.

Hmmm. It sounds like your son lives separately in a cottage attached to the pub? In which case I’m not sure why having her there annoys you so much. I think telling her she needs to stay out of the pub kitchen and can’t help herself to stock is fair enough. If it is really a strain on your finances to have her showering and eating so often at your place then by all means ask your son to have a word. But in general I’d try to be as welcoming as possible because if you upset her now and this goes long term it could really damage your relationship with your son. Also, she is young and doesn’t realise the implications. Do you not remember being young and in love and too selfish to co wider anyone else? Handle this carefully is my view. Let your son see you as welcoming his partners rather than resenting every last thing.

Mners are always advising parents to be doormats for fear of damaging their relationships with their DC. They may go no contact...gasp!

OP, I think you need to go and look at all the threads about in-laws who won't let their long-time daughters-in-laws make themselves a cup of tea in their kitchens when visiting, to decide whether or not you are being unreasonable!

I think I would leave a job where I was asked to enforce my bosses (lack of) boundaries with their relatives. Dealing with her bad behaviour shouldn't be palmed off on the staff.

Get DS out and rent the cottage - you put your 21 son in a house and then don't like it when his friends/gf moves in for free. What do you expect?

Definitely have the chat with DS alone first. She’s probably just been told by him that all this behaviour is fine. Obviously it would be nice if she realised that she should have some boundaries, but some teens are clueless.
Ensure if you discuss board for the current situation, he knows that it will then be upped if she moves in properly/full time. “For the current situation I expect £x to cover the increase in water and electricity bills. All food purchased by yourselves, and no wandering around behind the bar due to insurance reasons. We’ll reassess the price of board if she moves in completely in the future, or as bills increase”. This way, if they start taking the piss with 4 showers a day rather than two, you can say bills have increased further and so the price will.

You don’t need to go in all guns blazing. Just calmly let him know that things need to change as you’ve noticed GF has been around a lot more and as a result, your bills and food shops have increased substantially.

I think you should tell your son she can stay and be fed three nights a week and (if he chooses to and he’s invited) he can stay at hers and be fed by her three nights a week - sorted . And if her mum says no or has any push back then it proves your point