To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

I have an adult son with a gf and they buy and cook their own food (which helps a lot ) Ever since he started working, he was much happier when paying for something specific like a percentage of council tax rather than be asked for £x It means that they have flexibility to eat whatever and whenever. I pay for communal stuff like loo roll which is fine (for now)

Yanbu to have her pay rent if you’d rather not have them do and pay for their own things.

She needs to stay out of the pub kitchen and stuff. It will no doubt be pissing of your staff.

It doesn’t have to be confrontational. Make it businesslike.

”Becky - as you seem to be moving in, I think we should get things on a formal footing. Here’s a sort of agenda. Can we get together for a chat at five?”

I love being Asian. I just don't allow my DC's partners to stay over. No having to manage them and their rent.

If they are going to be living together then there has to be ground rules

Rent needs paying
Food needs to be bought themselves. No coming into the pub unless as an employee or customer. Gas, electric and water needs paying for.

Love the idea of Kevin and Persephone! 😀

This seems fair.

I love that
very clear very non wriggle out of statements
well done

Surely she can't touch food in the pub kitchen or randomly go in there at will because of food hygiene regulations, anyway. Don't you have to leave outer clothing by the door, put on apron and gloves, remove jewellery etc in the cooking space, not to mention having her food hygiene certificate displayed?

I'm reading this with my mouth open at the brass necked cheek if the girl but also with a hefty dose of cringe. Because I know for a fact that I would have behaved in much the same way at that age. I probably actually did without realising it 😕

In my case it would have been without malice and I would have died several deaths once I was told ( not that the teller would be aware ) . Unless sat down and informed directly I sort of assumed that all of the adults stuff wasn't anything to do with me. Tuned out if you like. This is despite coming from a large family and being aware of how much food costs since it was my job to buy it. But where the money came from to pay for it ? Not sure how that worked since there always seemed to be just enough no matter what.
I quickly cottoned on once I was responsible for my own life but that interim period was weird.

So I would sit them both down as calmly as you can muster and have a conversation with them about the costs of running the family home and, separately ,the pub. Lay out the bills if you have them to hand but you shouldn't need to hit them over the head with figures. Neither of them have probably ever thought about how much anything is in the real world. They are about to be taught a valuable lesson.

Oh and i think your DH should be in on this since I can't understand why he doesn't see that food bills and invoices are anything to do with him.

If she's 10 min away and only in 6th form why does she have to stay over at all?

The standards of hygiene in a commercial kitchen are very high, no-one should randomly entering to help themselves from food in there, irrespective of payment etc.
Send her home to mummy.

errrm are you scared of your son? TELL HIM , it's his freeloader, i take it your son has the same habits which you allow

Not just asian people you know, Just normal people who rules in their house

Tell ds @CraziiHart either HE pays her expenses or she does.
Have a number ready, £xx, meals, snacks, water bill, electric, for what she has cost already.
Make it crystal clear you are not providing meals.

Tell him that she is taking from the business and it must stop.
If he wants to eat with her then they must go shopping, pay for it and cook it. They are adults and must act like it.

Put a limit on the overnights. A limit, not a target or a goal.

Best of luck. Her parents must be having the time of their life with you funding it all and putting a free roof over her head.

Does your son ever appear behind the bar? If its truly an insurance concern you should have said so the first time she did it. If you just think it's a bit cheeky but your son does it too, speak to him first.

And don't mention the running costs of hair straighteners 😂

I would have this conversation with your son, not his GF. He has invited her to stay, he is the one who needs to make other arrangements. Tell him your expectations and he can abide by them or leave. To be honest, I think that she has the clear impression that she is welcome, your son has given her that impression, and you have failed to correct it. So I think blaming her is a bit harsh.

Change ds and her rent and no way should she be eating from the pub kitchen. Put some rules down. At 21 DS should be paying rent anyway unless in full time education.

Good Advice by @TwinklySaturn

I'd also draw up a list of pub related rules.. and treat it as separate to the other stuff...
Because at that age, in one ear out the other, if its pub related they need to read and understand. And not just stick to one rule but forget most of the others.

Emphasise health and safety, and that it could affect your licence.. Eg not trained in the kitchen and tougher hygiene rules. Underline, not allowed behind the bar or to help themselves as its difficult for stock taking and accounting. Wave the menu.. and the cost of eating there. eg if you eat x times a week, its costing me xx.

I'd also be putting up some STAFF ONLY notices, behind the bar/kitchen etc.. proper ones, not paper. Which will remind them.

I wouldn't give her the option of working in the pub just yet either - not until she's demonstrated that she can comply to these rules. Or she will be an employee who thinks it OK to take advantage.

If your DS says you are ruining it for him.. He is ruining it for you.. You've given them free reign. He ought to understand that running the pub aint easy.

If you have bills statements before they moved in and after they moved in which illustrate how much extra is being used .. that would help them to understand. They are both probably clueless, but she's also being cheeky and they've had their soft landing and now need to wake up.

Yep. Agreed...

but maybe the fire risk.. ?

If they were real employees, wouldn't they have to have a fire drill or something?

Sit them both down with a cup of tea. Show them the bills before she moved in and the bills since. Point out exactly how much she is costing you and that up to now, you have borne this cost. Then ask which of them is going to pay the excess going forward.

And yeah, add in rules around access to the pub bar and its kitchen. That’s well out of order.

You need to keep business and personal seperate. They shouldn't be eating anyhthing out of the business/pub kitchen.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by laying it out to your son.

You're not there to provide his girlfriend of the week with unlimited room and board. And frankly, he's old enough to be sorting himself out, too, and contributing rather than adding yet more to your bills and stress levels.

Good luck talking to DS and I hope there's no tantrum.
Young people can be pretty clueless and he may have no idea at all how both of them are taking the piss. I think I'd apologise for not having made things clearer from then beginning, then explain why neither of them should be going to the bar unless agreed first (because of insurance, health and safety etc), and that you haven't budgeted for feeding them, so they need to use the kitchen in the cottage and stock it themselves. You might want to invite them for a meal say once a week to show things can still be cordial.