To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

I just saw that you've let your son help himself to the food in your business, so I do take back that she's stealing. She's following his example, which is disrespectful to you.

You're going to have to lock any adjoining doors and they're not welcome to be helping themselves and they're not allowed access after business hours unless an emergency.

If he doesn't like paying rent, he can move out and take disrespectful rude gf with him. As it stands, they're using you.

Charge then rent. She’ll soon disappear.

Placemaking for updates - you can do it OP!
And dont be going on a guilt trip if they try to do that to you. As a mother, you are only responsible for your son, you dont need another young adult to subsidize.
The easiest way to go is just state "I CANNOT AFFORD" , "IT'S UNPROFESSIONAL", "INSURANCE DOESN'T ALLOW"
These facts they can't argue about. Your DH needs to back you up though, I cant believe he's so blaze about it.

I would start with one thing. Talk to her and son together and say no access to bar or pub kitchen due to professionalism, safety and cost. At that meeting I’d drop in you need to cut electricity and water use too as businesses aren’t rolling in it .

You aren't the MIL.

If she wants to move in, your son should have checked it was ok first out of respect. And terms and conditions laid down at the start.

She is rude and entitled. You need to stop it now and ask your son to pay for al the food she has had and the water and power she has used up to now seeing has he thinks that there is nothing wrong with her behaviour.

Yes this!!

Agree but what’s wrong with the GF paying? She’s the one taking the piss! Though he shouldn’t let her…

I bet she's completely oblivious, at that age my friends and I all lived around each others houses and if we were landing somewhere a lot parents would probably have said to make sure it was ok, it wouldn't have occurred to us. Yes some kids are grown up by 20, a lot aren't until more like 25.

Get separate meters for the cottage, that's where he lives and he pays bills, if he wants her to stay and is happy for her to use his electric and water that's his problem. charge him whatever rent over that you feel is fair and count his bar work towards it. Tell him that he and his gf are welcome in the customer side of the bar but they order from bar staff and pay for drinks. Make up a story about reading about a pub insurance claim that fell through because of family and friends having access to back areas. On shift employees only.

Sounds like they've got the mentality of 10-yr-olds and are treating this arrangement as a glorified sleepover... except as twentysomethings, they have all the time in the world, a whole house to play in, a bar & kitchen at their disposal, and the freedom to do whatever they like! Score!

Sorry OP, it is quite late to start explaining to DS about what the family expects from him in terms of respect, contribution, entitlement etc - so you've got a bit of a hill to climb there.

But you know that, and I admire your honesty in coming on here and admitting it. At least the 'doting parent' blinkers have come off, which doesn't seem to have happened for DH yet.

Apart from the abuse of your home and hospitality, why should you be the only one in the family to feel the budgetary pain? They're so keen on sharing, let them share that😁Plenty of good suggestions from PPs as to how you might do it.

My suggestion is - you sound like a confident, cheerful and dynamic person in your professional life, so treat tonight's sit-down the same way as you would a meeting with an unreliable supplier, or an encounter with a cranky customer! Good luck!

Personally, I wouldn't be giving her the option of rent, she will be more entitled to do as she likes.

I would just say :-
2 nights max a week.
1 shower a day.
Bring your own snacks.
Do not enter the kitchen / bar area of the pub unless you are being paid

I would also be clear with your son about the finances of the pub and how he can't just help himself. He is living in your cottage free of charge when it could be a potential revenue stream (AirBnB). He needs to be more mindful about what and how much he takes from the pub.

This would piss me right off!

Definitely, put your foot down. No eating from the bar kitchen, a proper level of rent is to be paid for the accommodation and she needs to buy her own food. Oh and definitely, no more swanning around the bar acting like lady muck.

Do you charge your son rent for the cottage? If not, maybe you need to start so they he and she see that you are serious.

I wouldn't involve her in any discussion. He's the one living in the cottage and she's his guest. If she carries on then tell him again, if it still carries on then 'hi Persephone, sorry I thought Kevin would have mentioned to you, We've had an insurance policy update and only on shift workers are allowed in these areas, so unless you want to pop on an apron and wash up you can't be back here!"

You are 100% NOT being unreasonable.

You didn't ask to take on another young adult and you didn't agree to it.

She's not your responsibility. If she wants to live there she needs to contribute, properly. Because let's face it, if she was buying food, helping out, being pleasant and no trouble at all you'd probably let it slide but why should you?

She's enjoying it, and is probably a bit oblivious to the effect it has. TBF you haven't given DS very realistic boundaries. He should be paying keep. And if he does a shift, he can choose to put that towards keep. But just hand-waving it away isn't working.

I may have missed any mention of this, but surely there's a health and safety aspect? You can't have someone who's not a member of staff rummaging about in the pub fridge, etc.

your son is an adult. Its up to him to tell her. He is just shag happy but it's his job to say you cant stay

You need to get her out before she can claim to to be a tenant there. Get her to rent a room (legally), charge her rent and tell her food/drink isn't included and she's to stay out of the fridge and the pub unless as a customer.
Son needs to pay too!

What are the ground rules if/when DS spends the night at her parents’ home?

He probably doesn't since he seems to have his "own place" albeit fully(?) funded by Mum & Dad.

I think someone else might have said this but be careful that you don't create a tenancy and any rights, that could happen if you charge rent.

Good luck OP, this would really piss me off too.

Your DS saying that you would ruin things makes me suspicious that he may have been trying to play “ the big man” to his GF.

Something along the lines of:
“Oh yes I live in my family’s place but I’m totally independent, they don’t tell me what to do. As long as I help out a bit in the pub I have the run of the place and they’d be cool about you moving in”

Totally disregarding that it’s your money he’s doing this on but if his GF has only ever lived at home she might believe/ be impressed by this.
if you raise the issue with his GF, she’ll find out it’s not true and you’ll ruin your DS’s little fantasy of living like real grown ups.

"The current situation isn't acceptable anymore. We need to establish the rules - you need to be treated like the adults you are, and not young kids.
"First of all, no going behind the bar, no raiding the pub fridge or helping yourselves to snacks. They belong to the business. If you want to buy them like a customer, feel free, but non-staff are not to be behind the bar at any point and staff should only be there when on shift. It's unprofessional and it's expensive.

"Secondly, no, GF does not live here. She has a home. She is welcome to stay 2 (or whatever your boundary is, OP) nights a week as your guest , but not to take multiple showers, do her laundry, or help herself to our food and drink. You are responsible for food and drink for your guest because you are an adult.

"We also need to formalise how much you pay towards your board. That can be a fixed weekly amount or a fixed number of shifts, so have a think how you want to do it.

"It's been a lovely summer of playing house for you both in the cottage. Summer's over and the real world resumes."

Stop the hints you need rules. No kitchen access and if she stays more than 2 nights you need paying. If she’s not going to pay then ds does. You’ve given him a cottage for independence which is way kinder than I’d have been. You need money from both. I would sit them down together. Keep it light but you are running a business which isn’t free for them.

if you really want her gone, tell DS that one overnight a week is enough and she is not allowed anywhere near the pub except through the main door as a paying customer.

If you don't mind: work out how much your costs have gone up, triple that and tell her that's going to be her share of the rent going forward. (triple it because if she's paying rent she'll feel entitled to even more stuff and more frequent showers etc)

And tell her that additional costs will mean even more rent on top.

Sounds like ground rules needed for her and your DS, even if she were paying rent she can’t waltz into your business and take food!